Bucket List

So we all have our bucket lists. I will probably add onto this as time goes on, but this is my list as it stands today :) What are some things on your bucket list??

·       Read the Bible (I've read Matthew, Jobs, and Isaiah, but I want to read it in order)

·       Read War and Peace

·       Read the top 100 books of all time (I'll post later what the top 100 is and label which ones I've already read. Although, knowing me, I'll probably read them again. :) )

·       Meet/hug Jensen Ackles (Supernatural, My Bloody Valentine, Ten Inch Hero, Smallville, Dawson's Creek, Days of Our Lives)

·       Meet/hug Henry Cavill (Man of Steel, Immortals, The Tudors)

·       Meet/hug Kaitlyn (former WWE Diva)

·       Meet/hug Jennifer Nettles (singer in Sugarland)

·       Meet/hug Matt Damon (We Bought A Zoo, Invictus, the Bourne Trilogy, The Good Shepard, The Departed, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Good Will Hunting)

·       Learn to surf

·       Learn to snowboard

·       Learn to scuba dive

·       Visit Ireland

·       Visit England

·       Visit Greece

·       Visit Scotland

·       Visit every US state (I've marked off the states I have already visited)

·       Publish a book

·       Publish a photography project

·       Kiss in the pouring rain

·       Messy Twister (paint on spots, play like regular twister)

·       Hit a home run

·       Own a 1965 Mustang

·       Drive any Mustang

·       Take a clear picture of the Orion

·       Spend the night in a haunted place

·       Fill a truck bed with pillows and blankets and sleep under the stars

·       Sleep on a trampoline

·       Ride in a helicopter

·       See the Northern Lights

·       Learn sign language

·       Get BFF tattoo

·       Try Spaghetti tacos

·       Wallpaper a room with pictures of family, friends, animals, etc.

·       Start and finish an Harry Potter movie marathon

Jess and my rocks

Normally, I can't write without music, so if this rambles, sorry.

I feel like I have to put this out there, but I'm not sure why. I know that some feel as though as I have not moved on yet from Alix and therefore, getting into another relationship too soon. I wish I could put the full story out there, but I can't. Some things need to stay private, because it's not anyone's business but mine and Alix's. That being said, I haven't moved too quickly. If you knew the full story, you would understand. Jessica knows that story and we are still taking it slow, as it should be with any relationship. But this I can say. I have been so depressed for so long. I have been pulling for myself for so long. It wasn't until these last six months that I have had to be accountable to not just myself but for others. Danielle and Cody, because they are the closest, distance wise, they do their best friend duties in making sure that I stay emotionally and physically stable. Stephanie has always been a part of my support system, we all know this. Brittney and Heidi have recently come back into my life after bullshit drama on both ends and are also a part of my support system. Then there is my family. Honestly, without all of these people in my life, I can honestly say that I would not be here today, typing this up. But this is where Jessica comes in. We are all humans. We all yearn for love and touch. It's only natural. I love my friends and family, but this is something that they can try to provide, but it's a different type of love that they just can't. For so long, I had this void in my heart. I felt unworthy and undeserving of such a love in my life. It was and is the depression talking, because I still feel so unworthy and undeserving to have the love that I get from Jessica. But I'm used to being told no. I'm used to bottling up emotions, because I wasn't allowed to show them before. I'm not used to having a choice or say in things. In short, I'm not used to being independent. I'm used to being dependent and being told what to do, without protesting it. Jessica is, unknowingly I'm sure, teaching me that I do matter. That I can be independent. That my opinion matters. That I, in fact, have every right to say no, and not suffer the consequences. I know we haven't know her for long, but I feel as though I can talk to her about anything, including Alix. Most girlfriends shut down when you talk about the exes, but she sits there and she listens. She comforts. And most of all, she shows me that I do truly matter. Yes, my friends do the same, but she understands in a way that the others can't. I can't tell without sharing her personal history how she understands the way they can't, and I won't do that without her permission. I know that recovery from depression is a long journey. I am so grateful to my friends who have stayed and are standing by me in this fight. I can say that things are looking up, and I am happier than I have been in so long. Jessica is a big part of this. The others I talked to after Alix and before Jessica, I was straight up with them. I wasn't going to get into a relationship without telling them what they could be getting into. I'm not wasting my time or theirs. And naturally, like I had expected, they ran. I liked Jessica for awhile before we started even talking, but I was too wound up in other things to realize it. I told Jessica before we made it official. Not all the details, but that I was suffering from depression and that I had roller coaster days. I honestly expected her to run, to be like the others. I didn't know her that well at the time, but I obviously didn't give her enough credit. Instead of running, she took my hand and smiled at me. Instead of running, she stands beside me as my rock in this fight. All my friends and family are my rocks in this fight. Without them and Jess, I'm alone and lost in the darkness. Actions speak so much louder than words. As I love to put it, Love is Action. All their actions tell me, they are in it for the long haul. And for that, I'm so eternally grateful for that.

(Insert creative title here)

I seriously never know how to name these posts, mostly because they are ramblings of a college student. Hence the title of the blog! But seriously, if someone out there has a method of naming these posts, tell me!

I don't want to go into complete detail, but the ship of Alix and I has sailed and pretty much sunk. It's an unfortunate thing and I wish it could be different sometimes, but it is what it is, ya know? Simply put, actions speak louder than words. That seems to the theme of my summer... Which is okay with me! Because of this motto, I'm learning who really means what they say and how much they mean to me and how much I mean to them ( I swear this makes sense to me!)

I've come to realize so many things, which is why I am in a new relationship that I'm comfortable being in. I know that those on the outside of the situation and don't know the full story, it can be seen as moving too fast, or jumping into a rebound. And I totally get it, but if you knew the full story, you would see it differently. Love is complicated. Always has been, always will be. How I met Jessica is to be debated. SHE says that I made a mean face at her when we first met, so she thought I disliked her (why does everyone think I hate them????) I, on the other hand, don't think I did, but I digress. Before we really started texting, I know I couldn't get her out of my head for like 4 days. Finally, I asked Robin, her best friend and fellow coworker, if she was seeing anyone. She told me she wasn't. So I facebooked messaged Jessica, giving her my number and telling her she text me sometime. I had no idea it would be within the hour that she would actually text me! And it's been nonstop since then. On September 21st, we made it official. I find myself truly happier than I have been in quite some time. And that's the truth! I've figured out that denying something for the sake of someone else, never ends well.

I've moved in with Danielle, mostly because I was spending all my time there anyways for work. i have my own bedroom but I usually sleep upstairs with Danielle. It's been a blast!

Work is well, work. It's McDonald's. We're all crazy...in a good way... :)

Update

I know it's been awhile. I'm not really sure where to even start. So much has happened since I last posted. So I guess it'll be random thoughts til I'm satisfied.

Work:
I finally got a job. I currently work at the McDonald's by the theater in Carrollton and I love it. Well, I love the people I work with and some of our nice regulars. Our mean regulars...not so much. I will say that the one good thing that has come out of this job is that I have found my best friend, Danielle. Sure, it took us awhile to actually become best friends, but  now that we are, we are practically inseparable. We started talking once we were having problems with our significant others (more on that later) and from there, it's expanded into a beautiful bond that I consider to be rare these days. I honestly which I had posted back when I first started some of the crazy stories that I have experienced while working here. I'm sure I could get a book deal out of this. It's crazy, but I'll try to keep you updated on the craziness from here on out.

Personal life:
I've been depressed for a while. I just refused to accept that I was. Mostly out of not wanting to seem weak. I wanted to seem like nothing could get to me and that I was okay. But I wasn't. I was losing my appetite and I was slowly losing my passion for photography. Once I realized that was happening, I knew I was in trouble. But I still didn't do anything about it. I just put a smile on my face and pushed it deep inside me. Well, one night, it backfired on me. I was ready to end it all in my tub of mine and Alix's apartment. The only that stopped was the fact that I didn't want Alix to be the one to find me. Needless to say, I have gotten help. I'm talking to someone weekly and I'm on Effexor and it seems to be giving the motivation I need to get my life back on track, especially now that I'm now single (again, more on that later). My therapist is awesome and she has a pretty good memory. Before this had all happened, I had considered therapy, simply to have someone to talk to, because everyone always came to me to be a shoulder to cry on and to lend a sympathetic ear, but it felt like when I needed them, they weren't there (these people are no longer in my life). I can just talk and talk and she helps me figure things out and doesn't judge me. It's quite nice and I do wish I had started doing it earlier. Maybe I wouldn't be in this particular situation if I had. But hey, hindsight is 20/20, right?

Love life and living situation:
These two are unfortunately related. Alix and I broke up May 24. I won't go into full detail because that's not fair to Alix. Let's say that it was coming for a few months prior, and I hadn't accepted that fully. Also, actions speak louder than words and the actions of Alix told me that she wanted to be single for a while. I knew she wouldn't tell me that because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. However, I realized it's not fair to either of us to be in a relationship that isn't equal. Thus, the breakup. Don't get me wrong. We are still friends and I still love her as I always have. I just hope that once we get our lives back on track, that we can resume our relationship. At first, I didn't think that was what I wanted but, now I know, due to the experiences of the last month and a half. For starters, I had a crush on Danielle, but in the long run, Danielle and I decided it's better to be friends than lovers. I know her enough to know that if we had dated and then we broke up, that would be the end of that friendship, and I value that more than anything right now. Then there was Erecca. Lawd. I really thought I had something going with her. We talked nonstop for two weeks. I visited her at work. We went on a date and we kissed. Rather, we made out. It was great. Or so I thought. One night after a hellish night at work, I had a text from her basically saying that she wasn't feeling the same way towards me as I did towards her. Which really sucked. Like it hurt major. It still hurts, but now it's the idea of being rejected yet again. However, it's because of this, that I know it won't work with anyone but Alix. I still see my future with her, just as I have these last 3 and a half years. I mean 3 and a half years, that gotta mean something right? Our lease was up at the end of June and we decided to move on. Alix moved in with her friend and I moved back home. It's not that I hate living at home, it's the constant driving. And honestly, who wants to say that they had to move back home? I love my parents and I am grateful to them more than they can know for allowing me to move back into my old bedroom but I don't want to live here much longer. Danielle and I are more determined than ever to get a place together and I couldn't be more excited about it.

Danielle:
She's been there for me these last few months and vice versa. The bond we share is something that I believe is hard to find these days. I cherish it immensely. I do remember the first day I started working there. Danielle and Cody both came up to me and said HI!, hugged me and ran off. I knew I would love my job right then and there. And granted, Danielle and I didn't really become friends til a few months later, it feels like we've been best friends forever. And I love it. I never thought I would find something that I have with Stephanie with anyone else, but I did. I consider myself to be a lucky girl. Right now, we're going through almost the same thing and it helps that we can each other's sounding board. The best part? We don't hold back. If we think something the other is doing, is a stupid idea or just wouldn't work, we tell them that. I would rather know what she really thinks, not what I want to hear. Because we know life doesn't work like that. I love this girl more than she probably understands right now, haha but I definitely can't wait to see what  the future holds for our friendship.

Cody:
Cody is another best friend. He's like my big little brother. He may be taller but not older than me. He's also my sounding board as I am his. He's the one who introduced me to the Butterfly Project to help me stop cutting. Cody is a loving person whom I know I wouldn't have gotten through these last few months. He's also stopped me from doing a few stupid things too haha

Well as of right now, this is all that I can think to update on.

The End of Binaural Beats Experience

All the research and everything that I have read about binaural beats seem to be completely on par. I feel so much better now that I am sleeping more soundly. I know that I am making better decisions because I am not procrastinating as much as before. I have done pretty well with sticking to my nighttime routine. There were a few nights where I had gotten home from work and was just too tired to do anything. I think that this related to the fact that my body isn't used to sleeping as much as I have been and it is still adjusting to being able to stay asleep. It is quite nice. I have more energy throughout the day to do things that I need to do as well as doing the things that I enjoy doing. Before, I was just dragging my feet and not really trying to do a really good job, I was more focused on getting the job done and not worrying about the quality of it. It has really helped me in schoolwork along with my job. I am nicer and friendlier to people and instead of just getting it done; I worry more about the quality of things and take my time to get it done right. 

The Effects of Binaural Beats on Health and Wellbeing

Binaural beats have many uses for them, as I have previously outlined. My intended use is to help me sleep at night and stay asleep. Everyone knows that an adequate amount of sleep equals better health. Better health can include anything from less stress to better blood pressure. Better sleep can lead to better decision making, as noted in the article titled, ‘If You Snooze, You Don’t Lose.’ in Money magazine, “Contemplating a big purchase or investing decision? Not only does lack of adequate sleep impair decision-making, but neuroscientists at Duke University recently found that sleep deprivation changes the way your brain assesses economic value, making you more likely to take risks.” (Mangla, 2012). The same article says to “create a sleep routine.” (Mangla, 2012). The routine that I have created is that I get my stuff ready for the next day, clothes, school stuff, work stuff, etc. Then I get my clothes out that I am wearing for the night. Then I take a hot shower, because “when your temperature falls afterward, your body releases the sleep-inducing hormone melatonin.” (Mangla, 2012). This way, my body is already getting ready for sleep, then I get into bed and turn the app on and within the next thirty minutes or so, I am soundly asleep. And the best part of it is that the sound keeps going all night or as long as my battery permits it to, so I stay asleep. And more importantly, I never go to bed less than 8 hours before. What I mean by this is that I get into bed at least eight hours before I am supposed to wake up. This gives me an hour or so to get situated or get to relaxing. The common thing is that we ALL need eight hours of sleep. This is the recommended amount, however, everyone is different. I only need seven hours to function at my fullest capacity.

Citations

Mangla, I. S. (2012, April). If You Snooze, You Don't Lose. Money, pp. 51-52.

My Overall Experience of Using Relaxing Melodies or Binaural Beats

http://youtu.be/ufWmD2RYkPM

The link above is a promo video for the Relaxing Melodies. This is just to provide a little more information about the app itself.

I have never felt so good in the morning. It’s really hard to pay attention to how your body feels when you are falling asleep fast. I believe in the last entry, I had mentioned somewhere that immediate details of the outside world become less and less significant. This is so true! I was trying to pay attention to how I felt, physically and emotionally, along with thinking about other things, such as what I had to do today, and then it got to where I was just focusing on the sound and then before I knew it, I was waking up the next day. I have to admit that at first, I wasn't so sure about the whole binaural thing. I personally like variety and spontaneity and I thought there was no way that a ‘monotonous’ tone would lull me to sleep. But it did. Whether it will actually be easy or not, is of no concern. Some concerns I do have are more with the device I use rather than the binaural beats. I know I mentioned that certain wavelengths have a drug like effect and that some people become ‘hooked’ on it, but I haven’t felt that, at least not yet and I have been using this for a good two months now. When I first started using this, it was working instantly. That first morning after using it, I felt so much better already. I could feel that things had change within me. I felt better, not so tensed, and relaxed! Now, after two months of using this at least every other night, I feel significantly different. I am not as angry any more. I don't feel like everything is hopeless as soon as it doesn't go the way I want it to. I feel as though things are easier to accomplish because I am more clear-headed since I don't get angry so easily. It is really as though a huge burden has been lifted off my chest, much like how it feels after the end of a school semester. But having this happen before the end of the semester, it is so much better for my health. Because I am not so stressed out and easily angered all the time, my immune system is stronger and I don't get sick as often as I used to. I think it is safe to say that I will be continuing to use this in one shape or form, for a very long time to come.

Binaural Beats and Insomina

I have had trouble sleeping lately. I say lately, but I really mean my whole life. You can ask my parents! have tried EVERYTHING to help me sleep and stay asleep. I have tried it all, from prescribed medications to over the counter medications to home remedies. It all works at first, but then my body becomes accustomed to it, then my body requires more and more amounts, which is not something that I can do a lot. I don't mind taking the medications, but I mind taking a lot of different ones, or a lot of the same one to get the same effects of just one. Plus, that is stuff that doesn't naturally belong in the body and it can affect you in the long way. What I am trying to say, is that I have always been trying to find a solution that works that wouldn't involve taking medications. I never really could find the solution. That all began to change when I started taking Psychology of Mind and Body. When I first signed up, I only did so to fulfill psychology degree requirements, but I believe deep down, unconsciously I chose this class, because it would lead me to the answer I have been looking for for a long time. And it has. What has started out as a class project/assignment, has ended up being the closest thing to a solution as I have ever come to. Are you ready for this? Binaural beats! You are probably thinking what? But I am thinking YES! 

So, what are binaural beats? According to Dictionary.com, the first definition for 'binaural' is having two ears, and of sound, means that 'recorded through two separate microphones and transmitted through two separate channels to produce a stereophonic effect.' The best way to hear this stereophonic effect is through the use of headphones. To further explain this, "a binaural beat frequency is an audio phenomenon that occurs in the brain when two slightly different sine waves are delivers to each ear through headphones." (Gelb & Howell, 2012). Sine waves are "a continuous wave with a constant frequency and amplitude." (Gelb & Howell, 2012). This best way to fully understand is this, "the two hemispheres of the brain function together to "hear" not the external sound signals but instead a third "phantom" beat." (Gelb & Howell, 2012).

What are binaural beats used for? Peter Grainger of Positive Health magazine outlines it for us in the following:

·         Gamma: 22-30Hz (hertz)

o   Attention or sensory stimulation, perception, or consciousness

·         Beta: 12-22Hz

o   Associated with high state of wakefulness, high state of arousal and some drug effects

·         Alpha: 8-12Hz

o   Allows brain to enter energy conservation mode

o   Immediate detail of the outer world becomes less and less significant

o   Important function as connection between conscious and subconscious

o   Allows for recollection of dreams, the remembrance of events in meditation, the recall of a creative synthesis of a solution of a daily problem, and the creation of healing images to assist the body to repair and recover from injury

o   High levels of success in sports and performing arts

·         Theta: 4-8Hz

o   Full memory search/verbal performance, scanning for pleasure, quiet focus/extroversion/low anxiety, low neuroticism

o   Closely related to sleep function and to the necessary restoration g he body

o   Actively repairing damage done while awake

o   Essential to immune system and other systems concerned with growth and duplication

o   Autonomic nervous system is restored and rebalanced

·         Delta: 0.5-4Hz

o   Brain is scanning for internal associations, altering internal and external consciousness

o   Essential to daily function of the body and to regulate all aspect of physiology

o   High amplitude related to the ability to empathize with other human beings

For this project, I am interested in delta and theta waves the most. So how does one go about accessing binaural beats? Internet mostly, or sleep machine apps. I wasn't sure myself really on where to start. I started researching and I ended up at this link: http://www.ellecanada.com/living/night-owl-how-to-get-your-beauty-sleep/a/35181/2

It’s here that the author, Alannah O’Neill, mentions different ways to try. The three options are binaural beats, mind control, yoga nidra. Since I was already interested in the binaural beats, that is the direction I chose. I have an iPhone, so I set out to get the app she had said that she downloaded, but it was $2.99. Personally, I don't like to buy apps unless I try them out because most of the time, I wouldn't get a refund. However, iTunes gave me suggestions that were close to it and were free. This is when I found the app, Relax Melodies. This free app had about 18 sounds and then the binaural beats at the alpha and theta level. After testing it for several days, I bought the full app which included the six binaural beats and over 90 sounds.

The description for each level is as follows from the app itself:

·         Concentration

o   Beta: 20Hz

§  The Beta wave can be used for active concentration. If you are awake and have a difficult problem to solve or need to stay focused, this could be the solution.

·         Relaxation

o   Mid Alpha: 10Hz

§  The Mid Alpha wave helps you to start relaxing when you are in an active state. You can still stay awake, but you will feel your mind becoming more relaxed.

·         Pre-Sleep

o   Low Alpha: 8Hz

§  The Low Alpha wave reproduces the pre-sleep and the pre-wake frequency of your brain. This sound prepares you to enter slowly or get out of smoothly of your sleep.

·         Deep Meditation

o   Mid Theta: 5Hz

§  The Mid Theta wave enables you to go into deep state of mediation. It will facilitate the transition between sleep and wakefulness.

·         Dreams

o   Low Theta: 4Hz

§  The Low Theta guides your brain to the dream stage. You will be able to reach more easily this important stage of sleep.

·         Dreamless Sleep

o   Delta: 2.5Hz

§  The Delta is the lowest frequency of the binaural sounds. This sound makes you enter more easily in the deepest and most important portion of your sleep cycle

These next several entries will cover my personal experiences of using this app and how having done this, how it affects all other aspects of my life, waking and sleeping.

Citations

Gelb, M. J., & Howell, K. (2012, Mar/April). Synchronize Your Brain. Share Guide, pp. 18-19.

Grainger, P. (2009, December). Brain Waves and Altered States of Consciousness. Positive Health, pp. 1-1.

O'Neill, A. (n.d.). Retrieved from Elle Canda: http://www.ellecanada.com/living/night-owl-how-to-get-your-beauty-sleep/a/35181/2

Picture credits:

http://www.flashkit.com/loops/Ambient/Ambient/Gamma-Neil_War-3443/index.php

http://brain-tricks.brainfunctionz.com/brain-waves/

New...everything

GAH! This is the first time I've been back since they changed everything around and it makes my computer all slow and stuff. I don't like.

Anyways, I've been watching the Vampire Diaries and I got all caught up but season 4 had already started so, I'm not caught up anymore. and now I've got Alix hooked on it so now I'm re-watching it. It's funny what I have already forgotten about the first two seasons. BUT this not the reason for this post. In the beginning of the show, they showed the two main characters writing in their journals and it got me thinking. In this high tech world, it has gotten so impersonal and I'm not sure I like it. I don't think I have deep and meaningful things to say like Elena and Stefan do, but I have stuff to say that is deep and meaningful to me.

What I'm trying to say is that I think I am going to go back to using an actual journal. I'm 23 years old and when I die, I want to have a ton of journals that describe my life. All of it. The good and the bad. The accomplishments and the struggles. I'm still gonna keep this up for purposes of talking things through, I guess. Like my homosexuality is a choice? post and the like, but no more personal things. I know I have a few posts in the future soon because of blog entries I have to do for a class, but I can't guarantee any soon there after.

June

I have one more week of being totally bored out of my mind. Starting June 11th (coincidentally also my mother and grandmother's birthday), I get to do this fabulous thing called Perspectives Camp. Yep, it's that time of the year! This will be my second year and I'm pretty excited and pretty nervous. Mostly nervous because Margaret is not around this time. She was deployed in March to Afghanistan for a year and someone whom I have never met, is leading it this year. This is also the first year we are doing guys along with the girls. Then after that on the 23rd, I will be heading to Florida for the week with the girls of Alix's family. I say all this because I have had a lot on my mind and I know that it is now or never to talk it out.

Today has been a good day and bad day. Good because Aimee is talking. For those who don't know, Aimee Copeland is a fellow Psychology student at University of West Georgia who got in a zip-lining accident in someone's backyard. She's developed the rare flesh eating bacteria. From what I remember, she's had one leg and both hands amputated. During this time, Aimee has had a machine helping her breath and she hasn't been able to really talk. Well today, Aimee talked. So to me, that means she doesn't have the ventilator breathing for her. It's been a sad day because a really good friend of mine's mom passed away after a long and hard fight. I'm grateful that her mom is finally at peace but I never like seeing my friends in pain. But all in all, it has given me quite a lot to think about. I'm sure I have said before that life is short. But I'm gonna say it again, because it is so true. 

I have not really lost friends but we've let our differences and stubbornness get in the way of our friendship. I'm the kind of person that just lets people go if they don't want to be a part of my life, but there are two friends that I can't seem to do just that. With one, we've been friends since I was in 2nd grade. Our parents are best friends. When I was in high school and she was still in middle school, I used to think the only reasons we were still friends was because our parents were. Then as I got close to graduating, we got closer again. I'm not really sure where it all went wrong from there, but I know I've made mistakes that I can't take back and there were things she didn't understand and I think she does now. But we haven't been able to sit down and talk every thing out. For once in our lives, we can't ignore the problem. There was one night that I thought that I was gonna get that chance and then a friend of hers came to the house and I'm polite. I'm not gonna leave him alone with both of our crazy families. And I'm pretty sure we would need a mediator eventually. All that said, I do value our friendship and I wish we could get back to at least being on the same page. But we're both stubborn and I feel that may not happen for awhile.

The other friend. We met at CCF one Thursday and we were instant friends. I don't know what drew us to one another but whatever it was, it was good. Because of her, I felt able to be myself around her. This was right around the time I was beginning to embrace my sexuality. She allowed to explore those feelings and be my support when I needed her. And eventually, she told that she thought she was gay too (which she was). Our friendship has been to hell and back and back to hell and back. I was there for her through a rough relationship, even if it strained ours and the same to her. We let two of our guy friends (now ex friends) drive us apart. And despite all that, we came back to being friends again. A part of me feels like I want to prove those two guys wrong and say you cant ruin us. But I really can't say what went wrong here. I feel a lack of communication on both of our parts. We both screwed up and neither wants to say sorry. Unfortunately, she lives an hour away now and while I'm in that town often, it's never long enough to pay a friendly visit. More often than not, it's a stop on the way to Lake Harding, or it's a babysitting job. 

I'm saying all this because while I do have friends, they really aren't the kind that I would invite over to  my house. Some I would go hang out with them but that's it. I found a lot of friends through CCF and I don't go there anymore because they are completely screwed up (another post for another time), especially since Adam is now gone. I think I want to set the goal of making new friends in the coming semester. I'm gonna have to try to sit away from my captioners and just talk to people. I know I'm shy when it comes to that kind of thing. But honestly, if I want to be a school counselor or even have my own practice, I'm gonna have to get over that sooner or later, and I would rather it be sooner. 

And as for those two guy friends, well....they can suck it. I don't miss them.

Why Is Being Obese Is Considered Genetic and Homosexuality A Choice?

For starters, in regards to my last post, I still don't know what I made on my media project, but whatever I made, it was enough to push me over to having a B for the final grade.

Moving on. Why is it that in this country, being obese is considered genetic and homosexuality a choice? I feel like it should be the other way around. I just can't understand the reasoning behind some things, and I may never understand. How can a state, much less people, vote against happiness? Why are other people who have nothing to do with me and my life, get to vote on whether or not I should be allowed to get married to my girlfriend? I didn't get to vote on theirs and even I was able to, I wouldn't vote no because I believe that love is a beautiful thing, whether it's between two men, two women, or one man and woman and I believe that everyone, EVERYONE should be allowed to experience that in their lifetime. What I have with Alix, I would never trade for ANYTHING in this world. To have a love like I do doesn't come around very often and I'm going to fight like hell to keep it. In 20, 30 years from now, people are going to be saying what was all the fuss about? just like we do now about the banning of interracial marriage. Like Martin Luther King, I have a dream too. I dream that one day, I can walk down the street, holding hands with Alix, without worrying if some idiot with a gun will kill us. I dream that I won't be afraid to truly be myself. I dream that marriage will be equal for all in ALL 50 states. I dream that my kids won't have to worry about getting bullied or teased for having two moms. I dream that I will never have to consciously think of who knows that I am gay and having to consciously think about what I want to say, of not having to censor myself. I've been lucky because my family still loves me anyways, but I still dream that others will never be shunned from their family for revealing who they truly are. I dream that people will realize that marriage equality for all will not lead to the end of the world. I am the same as everyone else. I put my pants on one leg at time, I breathe the same air, and I have feelings and values too.

Iffy....

Sometimes, I feel like my best isn't good enough. I tried so hard this semester and so far, I have two C's to show for it. I understand the Faces of Culture grade because I kept forgetting about the stupid online quizzes, and I know that seriously hurt me. I'm just really nervous about my Critical Thinking and Abnormal Psychology grade. I'm more nervous about the Critical Thinking grade than anything. I really want to know what I made on the media project. I was so nervous while I presenting, I could feel my lower jaw shaking as I was talking. I hate public speaking, I really do. But I need to get over that because if I want to be a psychologist with my own practice, I'll have to get over presenting on front of strangers. I'm trying not to worry too much but it's hard considering my tuition is due Monday and my VR counselor has been out this last week. Forget the new ear molds, I want them to pay my tuition!! I know I was in contact with her before she went away so I know she knows, so I'm hoping she did all the things she needed to do before she left, or got someone else to do it as well. Right now, I'm at Wendy's house right now while she and Wesley gets Eli's Xmas present. And tomorrow, Alix and I are watching my beautiful goddaughter. Right now, that's all I want. Just to play with someone who doesn't care about my grades haha

Finals

Finals are looming and as usual, stressing out about them. I always worry about my grades but then I get the added pressure of "are they good enough for VR?" If not this semester, I won't be in school next semester because on December 14th, starting at 9 am, I will be getting crowns on my teeth. Which also means there goes all my gift card wishes (sad face). I really want to update my closet to more girly clothes. It's seriously time for a change! But alas, that change comes in the form of new teeth. Which I'm excited about, because I hate my teeth, and not excited about because I REALLY wanted some new clothes. I don't normally ask for clothes, so you know it's a big deal when I do.

Angela is graduating December 18th in Macon. I got the invite the other day. I'm so proud of her and it upsets me that I won't be able to attend. I haven't been able to figure out how to tell her that I won't be there. If it weren't the same day that Alix's family were doing their Christmas AND Alix's birthday, I would be down there in a heartbeat. But I'm going to make sure we hang out when she comes back to town. I do need to write her though, I don't want her to think I forgot about her! Cause I haven't!

Speaking of the Howard Christmas, I really need to get started on editing the pictures for all the presents. Ay yi yi yi. What have I gotten myself into? But what can I say? I love photography. The pictures Alix and I took of her niece and nephews turned out really great, I really don't think some of them even need editing. I really love the ones by the railroad tracks.

In a separate post, I'm gonna talk about the submissions I make to the new edition of the Eclectic. Two of my pictures got in there last time, so we will see what happens.

Well, back to studying for finals. :)

Auburn tornados

Two days ago, a tornado went through Auburn, Alabama as well as through some other towns. It also went over Lake Harding where Alix's aunt and uncle and parents live. Both of their houses are fine, but Jo and Danny's neighbors (the aunt and uncle) weren't so lucky. Their houses are pretty much destroyed. It amazes me how their house survives while neighbors on either side didn't. Alix says that she really believes that her grandparents (Robbye's (Alix's mom) parents) were watching both over Jo and Robbye's house. But Robbye and Tom (Alix's dad) work in Lagrange and were working when the tornado hit. So as Robbye is driving home, she does not even know if she has a house to come home to. Fortunately, she did. Boe (the dog) and Aubie (the cat) were fine as they stay outside while Robbye and Tom are at work. I was in class when Alix told me that her mom didn't know if she had a house to come home to. I couldn't believe that we had just been up there this past Saturday and I couldn't fathom it being the last time we were there. But it's not. It has made me realize, however, that no matter how stressed we are, we should always enjoy each and every moment with friends and family. It could be the last memory you make with them and you want it to be a happy one.

This is a short entry but I have a final to work on and I had to get this out of my head and onto here. Back to work I go!

Taking Chances

Okay I wrote like 32 posts one year. I'm bound to at least do that many this year....I don't have many days left, so maybe I shouldn't set an extravagant goal...

ANYWAYS. My favorite artist of all time, hands down is Terri Clark. She's a Canadian country singer who released her first album in 1994. I pretty much have all the cds with her name, except for the recent one, Roots and Wings. Now, there was a gap between Life Goes On in 2005 and the Long Way Home in 2009. Yes, she release Terri Clark Live and The Millennium Celebration but for the most part, no new music. BTW, just for your useless knowledge part of the brain, my favorite album is No Fear. When The Long Way Home came out, you could tell her sound had changed (for someone who is hearing impaired, noticing such a different is a big deal!), other than the fact that you could hear it, she also said it! I kind of reluctant at first because I was such a fanatic about her sound before. So, I will admit that I didn't give it the chance that I should have. Now that Roots and Wings is out and I already like two of the songs already, I decided to give The Long Way Home another chance. I'm glad I did. Some of the songs speak to me in a way that it probably wouldn't have before. Merry Go Round in particular is about that life is not about getting ahead, that savoring the moments with friends and family are important. And the sound is just amazing.

I guess my message for this is that I need to give things a chance sometimes. I don't always take the risks that I probably should, just because it is outside my comfort zone. As I'm getting older, I'm going to eventually settle down and have kids and then I will really be outside of my comfort zone. I mean going outside that zone doesn't and isn't always a failure. I mean this past summer doing Perspectives...working 12 teenage girls who couldn't give a rat's ass what you think (that was my thinking at first, before I actually did it)? I was scared, I won't lie. But it turned out great and the girls found friends in not only the counselors but as well as each other.

I'm ending this here so I can stop rambling :)

new untitled poem!

Okay bear with me. The poems I've been writing lately come from nowhere and mostly don't make sense to anyone but me. BUT, I couldn't explain it if I tried. Anyways, I wanna know opinions and suggestions anyone may have for me.

(Untitled for now)

Faith. Reasoning. Irrational.

Faith is reasoning.

Reasoning is irrational.

Irrational is faith.

We are all connected, intertwined.

Connected through faith or lack thereof.

Intertwined through beliefs.

Six degrees of separation, it does not exist.

We all believe in something,

whether it be faith or reasoning.

Who really cares?

Can't we just all get along, peacefully?

Perspectives Camp

During the summer, I was able to work a great group of girls who were in need of guidance. For two weeks, fellow counselors and I, spent time with these girls. I could tell that each new day brought change. In the beginning, we had some issues. They were somewhat resistant to the whole thing and had no problem letting us know this. Some of the girls knew each other already and didn't like each other. There were cliques the first few days. No one wanted to associate with the others. Eventually, that got put aside and with each new day brought change. I can't speak for the girls in this program but I know that I can speak for myself. With each new day, I felt change. not only in myself, but in the girls as well. I felt like we were reaching out to them and getting through to them and changing them (I'm told that I did change at least one life). It was good and we had fun and of course, I took almost 1,000 pictures (seriously!) over the course of two weeks. But camp is now over.

It's been a few months and I do think about the girls quite a bit. Some I know are doing well, some I know are not. I just wonder for all the others, if they have been changed by this. I like to think so, but without being able to talk them, I don't think I will know. I wish I wrote more on this blog, because I feel like I have so much to say and I can't because this post would be way too long to catch up. Although I found friends in the counselors, we are not that close. But, I wish we were because they experienced this with me and they know what we went through in those two short weeks.

I can say two things. One, the woman who ran the whole thing, is so amazing. She came up with this program because someone asked her to. She's a marine (should she ever read this, thank you for your service), but she knew that having a boot camp style thing was not the way to go. I feel so blessed to know and that I feel that I am a better person for knowing her. And two, the camp was amazing. We did and do great things and I do keep in touch with some of the girls. I really look forward to doing this again next year with a new group of girls and I hope some can come from this previous year.

string of thoughts

I know it's been awhile, but not enough and too much has happened. I don't even know where to start...

I guess for starters, I can talk about what led me to do another post. I know I'm out to family and I'm okay with that. Yes, even my grandmother, whom I swore would never know, but that's later. I'm not expecting everyone to agree with it, I'm not going to ask them to change their beliefs just because I am family. But at the same time, because I am family, I expect respect from them. And right now, I'm not feeling it. I was Facebook stalking some of my cousins and I ended up looking at pictures of one and came across some concerning pictures. By concerning, I mean the comments on said pictures. I expect them to say something, but they didn't have to go to the extreme of saying things like, "I didn't get one of those, because a friend said I would look like a lesbian, and you definitely do." I mean really? And then on the other picture, going to the extreme of saying 'disgusting' and 'gross' and then to find out my aunt says it's nasty....but what really blows me out of the water is when my cousin commented saying that she was expecting that kind of comment from my cousin, I'm just.....speechless. Again, not asking that they accept the fact that I'm gay, but they can at least respect me and my choices, especially in a public forum such as Facebook. I mean, am I wrong to upset about it?

My aunt Rhonda died. She finally lost the fight COPD. She's had it for as long as I can remember, but supposedly she's lived longer than most people who are diagnosed with it. When someone is first diagnosed with it, they usually die within the next 4 to 5 years. I'm not saying that it's always the case though. My aunt lived with for 10 years, if not more. Well, we were never close, but she's family. I feel like I should have cried more than I really did. When she was in the hospital and the doctors said that she wasn't going to live 2 more days, Harper and I said our goodbyes, that's really only time that I really cried and she died a week later. She's the first person I've known to die that I was able to say my goodbyes...It still kills me that I didn't get to say goodbye to my grandparents. It's not like it was unexpected. We knew it was coming and yet, I didn't get that chance. I feel like a horrible person because after all that, I was pretty emotionless about the whole thing. I was more concerned with my mom and grandmother. I don't think my grandmother has ever lived alone since she married my grandfather....and it's funny because everyone all of the sudden thinks that she's this frail old woman who can't stand to be alone by herself. But she's still healthy and I think now that Rhonda isn't suffering anymore, she can finally relax without worrying about Rhonda and having to do things for her. But even without Rhonda there, she's always going to be worrying about something, it's a Keele thing. When she stayed at my parents' house for some odd weeks, I remember one morning, she didn't wake up until like noon. My mom had to make sure she was still alive. For as long as I can remember, she's always been up at like 8 or 9 in the morning, but being at my parents' house, she didn't have to worry about the doorbell or the phone ringing....Okay, now I'm getting off track. Back to my aunt. Plain and simple, I don't feel like I've mourned her death like I'm supposed to do.

My grandmother knows. After my aunt died, I gave her a few weeks to adjust to being by herself and I stayed one weekend. Yes, I drove up there, by myself. The whole intent was to tell her. But the whole time, I could never do it. We even watched Callie's and Arizona's wedding on Grey's Anatomy together and I still couldn't do it. But I wasn't going to leave until I told her. Well, Sunday rolled around and I had to come home. So after I was packed up and everything was loaded in the car, I decided to tell her. You know how they tell you not to think sometimes and just do? Well, the words "I need to talk to you" fell out of my mouth no sooner had I thought it. The telling her part, not so much. We were looking at each other from across the bar and we were holding hands and I'm pretty sure my hands were shaking....I was trying to get the words to come out of my mouth when she said, "I think I know what this is about" and then it was easy, I guess to say it out loud. She and Rhonda had suspected for some time and when I asked why she hadn't said something to me, she said that she had thought about it, but she wanted me to tell her when I was ready to tell her. Let me back here and say that I thought she was going to blow up and completely disown me forever. I felt this way, even after Mom had said that she wouldn't do that and that's her own mother. But that never eased me. Nana did tell me that if Pa was here, he probably would have been the one who flipped a lid, since a gay man 'put the make' on him when they had been dating...which was back in the 30s, early 40s. In case you don't know what 'putting the make on somebody' means, it means to hit on someone. That's what they called in those days. Anyways, so I guess Nana is okay with everything....for now.

I won't be walking in the 3-Day this year. The walk is next month and I have only gotten 65 dollars when I need to have 2300 dollars. Needless to say, even if I do walk, I won't be able to raise the rest of the money in time. If you still want to help me, you can do that by helping my mom. She is still walking, regardless of how much she raises. However, the more money she raises, the less that will come out of her pocket. So, go to www.the3day.org/goto/sallypoag and donate whatever you can, whenever you can, as often as you can.

scared

It is so crazy what life throws at us. Two of my friends are breaking up and they've been together for so long and we have all expected it to be all happily ever after. And they are like Alix and I. They have pets together and they have a place together. But yet, they don't have a future together anymore. And it scares me that Alix is going to wake up one day and realize that she doesn't love me anymore. But it wouldn't be just her that I would be losing, granted, it would be devastating, but I would also be losing Sophie and our future together. I wasn't that girl who had her wedding all planned out at the age of 10. I was getting dirty and riding bikes. And even when I was dating Earl, he would talk about marriage and kids and I didn't want that with him. But when I met Alix, that all changed. Now, I cant wait until we can get married and have kids (although the number is still up for debate haha). You always take the things you care most about, for granted and you don't know what you have, until it is too late. I guess I'm lucky that I've realized it before I've lost it. I have the most amazing girlfriend and the most supportive parents ever. They help us pay the bills...they don't have to but they do. And Alix's parents? OMG. They are the best too. As far as coming out goes, this is the second best scenario (the absolute best scenario would be that all parents in this didn't pretend one of us wasn't gay haha). But nonetheless, we have it so good and we take it for granted.

I know it's crazy that I haven't posted in awhile. But you know, things get so crazy. I can't believe though that I never talked about my suspension and my fight to get back into school and all that. But yea, I got suspended and couldn't do the following spring semester. During this time, I worked with Sharon and I did so many things to prove that I was ready. I really wish that I had written during that time to be able to better convey the emotions that I went through to get to here. But eventually, I got back into school that following Fall semester. I don't think I have ever fought so hard to stay in school. In high school, I never really cared for school. But here I was, fighting to be able to continue my education. My goal was all B's. I made two A's and B. How crazy is that? But now, I'm back in that fighting position. I am taking English 11o2 for the third time, and it is a little bit easier this time around, but who knows? I am anxious to get the semester over with already and I am only half way done. But I am more determined than ever to stay in school. I can't be a counselor of any kind without a degree.

As mentioned in the previous post, I am walking in the 3 Day this year. I hope this will inspire me to write about the journey and the training. As we complete training for the day, I hope not only to keep track of it on my page, but as well as here. It is in hopes that you will see how committed I am to this cause, and in turn, will inspire you to donate. :)