I think about it all the time. I can think of a million ways to do it. I can think of all the problems that it would solve for me. I don't even care about anyone else anymore. I'm tired of putting people before me. It's time for me to do whatever the heck I want and not worry about others. PERIOD. I don't want to even do anything anymore. I just want to sleep. I care nothing about softball, photography, writing, and CCF anymore. I have lost interest in everything I used to love. I want to do nothing but sleep. Nobody even reads this. So why should anyone care about how I feel? They don't so, why should I care about this stupid life?

Last few days

I know I've been neglecting this but I've been doing school work alot. I've been going through a lot and honestly, I don't even want Saturday to happen. If we could just go from Friday, skip Saturday, and go straight to Sunday, I would be more than happy to go along with that. I have never ever in my life, hated Valentine's Day the way I do right. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I even hate it with 12,345,678,910,504,956,438,759,834,596,324,657,289,364,573,459,817,439 times more than a hating something with a fiery passion of a thousand suns.
I just really hate it.
Guys are stupid.
and FYI, there is NOT ALWAYS a weak link in a group of girls!

Not sure why I bother being myself. Myself doesn't seem to be good enough for anyone. Everyone say that they love me, but I know it's only as a sister or friend. That it will be nothing more than that, ever. And it's ANNOYING.

Katherine and Jennifer and Eagle Eye

That about sums it up.
Thursday night after CCF, I finally decided that I was going to James's (Katherine's Dad) funeral. Even if I didn't know him, I know that he meant the world to Katherine and that was enough for me. I spent about an hour and a half to get ahold of ANYONE who was going. Finally I got ahold of Adam.
Friday morning I got up about 830-9 and got dressed. Adam picked me up at about 940. At about 1015, Adam, Gina, Stephanie, Sarah, Laura, Blake, and I left in the van. Jason, Matt, and Blake M. left a few minutes after us in Katherine's car and how they got there before we did is still a mystery to me. But we got there safely and that's all that matters. The service was good. I was tearing up a little bit until Katherine got up and talked and then I lost it. Of course. It was a humbling experience in that I did not know this man, but I knew that he was well-loved and just an amazing man.
Two things happened though that I haven't really been able to stop thinking about....
Brooke was there. And I froze. When she was going through giving hugs to all those of us that just arrived, I froze. As mad as I was, and as much as I wanted to walk away from her, I couldn't. How stupid is that? When she did hug me, it took me everything I had to put my arms around her and say hey.
Two, during the service, after all the family and friends had told their story and before the Reverend spoke again, one man in the back stood up and said that he wanted to say something. He said that he's been suicidal three times. And through each time, James had helped him through. And he urged us that if we were ever feeling that low, if we ever got to that point of despair, he urged us to talk to someone. It brought up a lot of feelings all at once. And at the time, I wasn't sure how to handle that. But now that I've sorted through it all, I've realized that it's still a a touchy subject for me, having tried once to end it all. I mean who do I have to go to when I'm feeling that low? My one person is gone. I don't know, it really is a lot to re-sort through all at once. It's hard doing it on my own because I don't know who else has gone through this.

Friday night, it was Brittney, Alyssa, Sammy, Joey, and I were watching Grey's Anatomy, when Sammy got a call from Jennifer. Her grandmother had been put into hospice and wasn't going to have much longer to live. Jenn was torn up over it and she just needed someone there. So Joey, who didn't know Jenn, left, and Alyssa, Sammy, Brittney, and I drove to Cobb Hospital. The last place I wanted to be, but I had to get pass that for Jenn. Jenn needed us, and I wasn't screwing it up this time. We got there a little after midnight. By this point, Sammy had called several others, and even though it was late, they decided to come. I can't remember who all came, but I do know that it was getting crowded in the room. So after they got there, Sammy, Alyssa, Brittney, and I left for home. That was a little after 1. So we didn't get back to Carrollton til a little after 2 in the morning.

I know most people would complain about being up for almost 24 hours, but I couldn't. I was there in support of two friends who mean the world to me, who needed support. And I know that those two would do the same for me if I had been in their position. And I am more than 100 percent grateful for them.

Then there's today. Uneventful. I woke up about 1, went over to Brittney's and watched the rest of Grey's Anatomy Season one. After that, I came back to my room and worked on homework for a little while. After two or three hours, I went back over to Brittney's and did more homework and Brittney made spaghetti, which was good. Then Lisa came up with Eagle Eye and we watched it. We spent like 20 minutes at one point looking for Matt Blair and Jason Collett, but we couldn't find them. And now I'm here typing, when I really should be in bed.
But I can't sleep.
That's a shocker.