I was at lunch today and the conversation took the course of talking about a situation of some of our friends. They just had a baby together and they haven't gotten married yet, but they are engaged to do so. We were talking about whether or not that they should married or not. We were also debating over whether or not they truly loved each other. But that's not what this is about. As the conversation was going, I was hearing things that makes me realize one thing and one thing only: I am lucky. I am lucky that my parents are still happily married to one another. I'm lucky that I have a strong relationship with them. I'm lucky that my family isn't separated in two different houses. I'm lucky that we love each other with unconditional love. And while I admit that it could be better, I'm lucky that my brother and I have a relationship with each other. And with the death of Katherine's dad, I am ever more grateful for my family.

I'm still trying to understand a lot of things surrounding the death of Katherine's dad. I still can not fathom why he died, why the doctors released him, why anything. My heart continues to break for her and her family, and I can't continue to think about it without crying.

Katherine Lord

When I wrote my last blog, the man whom Katherine called her rock, was alive. As I write this one, I am sadden to say that this same man is not. I don't know all the details, what I do know is that Katherine and I have gotten to know one another really well in the last couple of months. And she praised him in every way she could. It showed that her dad was her rock. I have never met Katherine's dad, but I know he's an amazing person just by who Katherine is today. My heart breaks for Katherine because I don't ever want any of my friends to be in that much pain. I cried when I heard the news. I was walking towards the University Campus Center and when a friend of mine texted me and told me the news, my knees literally gave out. My friend who was with me had to catch me to keep me from breaking my knees. I can't say I know exactly what she's going through, but I know I do to an extent. I am lucky to say that I still have my father.
Today didn't start as a good day anyways. I was late to class, my professor was 20 minutes late, people were getting in my way, and I was getting agitated very easily. I thought I was on top of the world when I was told that I was going to be Writer of the Week in the West Georgian, but I was oh so very horribly wrong. And I'm not saying that to be selfish, I'm just saying that last week, this was a HUGE deal to me. And now it seems like it's nothing compared to this. And it really is no big thing anymore. I know I always say that everything happens for a reason, but I'm trying really to understand God's reason for this. Katherine is only 20something. She JUST graduated from college this past summer. If there was anytime that she is going to really need her dad and family, it's now. My heart really does break for Katherine because I know that pain of losing someone so close to me. And I hate that she has to go through at so young an age. If you read this, I ask that you please please PLEASE keep Katherine Lord and her family in your prayers, especially Katherine's mom.
I feel like anything else I say that is not related to this is insignificant, so I will save that for another blog.
Katherine, if you are reading this, I love you more than you could know. I am praying for you and your family.

Nobody's perfect

What brings this up you ask? I haven't a clue. When I woke up today, I knew it was going to be an interesting day. And yet it was uneventful til I got back to my dorm and was taking quick nap before going out for a friend's birthday...and the fire alarm went off. How lovely is was to be awaken by strobe lights and a HORRIBLE blaring sound this school calls an alarm.Then I went over next door and got ready to go out. And I thought, 'Every day brings me closer to being 20. I won't be a teenager EVER again.' And for some reason, that scares me to no end. I've realized that I do NOT enjoy the concept of getting older. If I could stay 19 the rest of my life like Bella, I would be all over that. What about 21? I don't drink nor do I ever care to. Let's face it, I don't want to grow up. I want to find me a vampire who will turn me into one, so I'll always be 19. BUT chances are, if I haven't found one in the last 19 years, I'll probably won't in the next 78 days. Oh yes, I don't want to turn 20 but I'm counting down to it.
I wish I had my person here. They would help me a lot!

When I first started doing this several days ago, I was weary about being so open. I was also weary of linking the site from Facebook where many of my friends on Facebook don't know that I am bi. But as I've said before, if they can't love me for who I am, then they were never really my friend. I feel a lot more at ease with having the link on my Facebook.

I am, unlike Jason, is trying to stay updated with this. :)
Writing what I wrote in the last two posts, well it was just what I needed. I felt a sense of relief after finally having got it out in the open. Now all that is left, is the for the people that read this to judge me or love me even after all that. Today was a better day. I got to hang out with my nephew more than twice this weekend. Seeing as how I won't get to see him soon as often as I'd like, every second I can get with him, is precious to me. And I'm certainly cherishing every second.
I've accepted the fact that I am bi. It's just matter of trying to myself to believe that I won't go to Hell for it.
That's for this post.

It hurts

Maybe I'm crazy but I really feel like I have to get this off my chest. It's been bothering me for several weeks now.
I fell hard for someone in less than a semester (4 months). I don't know if Brooke ever felt the same way about me, but I never cared. I was happy whenever I was around Brooke. Brooke and I talked about everything about how we were feeling. So when Brooke talked about leaving, not knowing what they wanted to do, I shut down. I knew Brooke well enough at this point that I knew that Brooke was leaving, so I shut down. I stopped hanging out with Brooke so much, because I was preparing myself for Brooke to leave. I mean, wouldn't you? Naturally Brooke noticed that change and finally unleashed it all one night. I believe everything has gone downhill since then.
Then came this semester. And lo and behold, Brooke left. But what hurts the most was that Brooke didn't tell me. She just up and left. I mean the last conversation was about paint. I mean really?? It hurt to have to find out the way I finally did.
We never actually dated, but one of the few people who know how crazy I was for Brooke, they said it was like I was suffering a bad breakup. Keep in mind, that I have never been dumped. If this is what it feels like, this feeling sucks.

trying

to do what I'm not sure. I've never been too comfortable pouring my heart out to complete unknown strangers. I promise this makes sense. Maybe only to me, but it does. You see, I'm trying to figure myself out. It's come to my attention several years ago, that I'm...well...different. I guess, like they all say, I've always known but it's only here lately that I finally question. Yes, I know it's a sin, but God loves the sinner, that's me, and not the sin. I've tried to be something I'm not, and others may be happy with that, but I am not. My parents still don't even know. I watched Prayers for Bobby with my parents and somehow the question came up. What would they say if I told them I was gay? Both answers surprised me. Mom said that she would love me no matter what. My dad said that he wouldn't be happy, but he would still love me and just wants me to be happy. Should I be relieved to hear this? Yes and no. We always say that we will react one way or say one thing, and when it actually happens, they react completely opposite or say something that contradicts what they said before. Would it 'sweeten the deal' if I said I was bi? I mean I still like guys, so I would still have a chance at an easy life. But my heart wants what it wants. I can't help it. This is who I am. This is what I am. If I should lose my friends because of it, then they weren't really my friends. If I should lose respect from others because of it, then so be it.
Yes, I know what the Bible says. But you have to remember that whatever version you're reading is that of the interpreted version of mortal men, it's interpreted to be in their times. Yes, they said that those of the same sex who laid together would punishable by death. Well, it said the same thing for an adulterer and a child who disobeys their parents. Are you going to kill your child just because they disobeyed you? No. I believe that God loves me no matter what.
I don't believe this to be genetic, but I also don't believe that this is because of the way I was raised.

If you're reading this because of the link I posted onto my Facebook, I'm tired of hiding. This is who I am, and if you can't accept me and love me for me, then I guess we were never really friends.
To others who happen across this, yes I am really this crazy sometimes. But aren't we are all sometimes?