Rough week...

It's been a rough week all around. I'm still stressing about this paper that's due in two weeks and I am nowhere near halfway done with it. And I am pretty sure I will be suspended for summer semester because with my grades being what they are, they won't be A's and B's, even if I do well on the finals.


I'm going to go day by day of this week, but first a little background on this. Matt found out about me and Brittney and he talked to us about it. Later, we found out that Matt told Jason. So I know Jason knows. He just doesn't know that I know that he knows.


Sunday:

It's Sunday and I'm stressing to the max because the first rough draft of the paper was due the next day and I was no where near that. And I couldn't skip because I was so sure that if I missed one more class, then I would be withdrawn from the class, and I cannot have that, at all. Well, some things went down and I ended up in a car in the pouring pouring rain for sometime trying to comfort a friend. So it's about 2ish in the morning before I get into the study room to work on said paper. Well, Sammy and I kinda got into it through text and we were basically fighting. And long story short, I just wrote a new story that didn't make sense that was four pages long and sent it to my email (or so I thought...I found out on Wednesday that I had forgotten to attach it to the email). It's about 5 when I get back to my room. I had thought about going ahead and staying up all night, since I would have to get up at 830 anyways. Well, I lie down...and fell asleep....


Monday:

I wake up and look at my phone. I have three missed calls, all from Paige and several texts, again, all from Paige. My phone had been on silent so I missed all the calls. When I looked at the time, it was 1020. It was too late to high tail it to class, because class was almost over. I freaked out and on top of this, Kayla had called me and accidentally hung up on me and when she tried to call me back, I wouldn't answer. Paige had told me that my professor said to send her an email, so that's what I did. Then, I didn't feel like going to class for the rest of the day and so I didn't. I went to lunch with Brittney and texted Alyssa if I could get a ride to CCF because Jason and I were going to talk about the baptism. At two, Alyssa came and picked me up and took me to CCF. I got there and went in. And it started off well, I think. Then, the thing that started it all.....Jason was saying that baptism was like a burial of the old self along with the struggles and the sin of today, and then he asked me what was mine. If I was so against it, I would have said my struggles with bisexuality. But I honestly believe that God does not care that I am bi, I really do. And I know that I have other things that I struggle with, but I'm not really sure what. And I felt like Jason was trying to get me to say that about bisexuality and I was internally refusing to say it to him, just absolutely refusing to say it to him or to myself. I simply told Jason I wasn't quite comfortable with talking about it with him and he asked me who I was most comfortable talking to about it and I said, Brittney, Sammy, and Brooke BEFORE she left. Jason told me he wanted me to talk them before Thursday. Jason and I made a time to meet again before Thursday and I left. I needed to time to think and I needed to just walk so I told Alyssa I was walking back. I crossed the street and was walking past the CVS. I look ahead and see a semi-truck coming my way and I thought, "Dang....how easy would it be to just step out in front of it and just end it all?" Then ALL I could think of was Brittney, and only her...not my family, none of my other friends that I've grown up with, just Brittney, which I thought was weird. At this time, the semi-truck passed me. I stepped off the sidewalk towards CVS and texted Brittney. I told her to come get me before I did anything stupid. Brittney was immediately on her way and had Kayla call me so that I wouldn't do anything stupid and that she wouldn't get in a wreck trying to get there as fast as she can. And while I was mad at Brittney for having Kayla call me, I'm so glad she did, so glad. Brittney finally got there and took me back to campus and I told her what happened with Jason and that horrible thought. After sitting in the car for a few minutes, and I was done ranting, sort of, Brittney asked if I wanted to go to the creek and I said yes. So we went to the creek. There, Brittney made me pinky promise that I wouldn't do anything stupid while I was there. While Brittney called Chelsea, I went and sat down by the creek, kind of far from Brittney, so that all I could hear was the creek's running water. After a few minutes, Brittney came up and handed me her phone. It was Kayla on the phone. We talked for a few minutes and then I gave the phone back to Brittney. Long story short on this next part, Brittney and I ended up deciding to drive to Blakely right then and there. So we did. We got in the car, went back to the dorm, packed some things, and left. We had left about 530-6ish and we got there about 8-830-9ish. Brittney, Kayla, and I stayed the night at Chelsea's.Tuesday: We wake up and Brittney decides that she's not ready to leave and in all honesty, neither was I. So instead of leaving at 11 like planned, we decided 6-7. Kayla had to work at 6 and when she left, she wasn't going to be able to come back and hang out. So, again, long story short, it was the plan that I would hang out with Kayla all day, while Brittney and Chelsea did their thing. Kayla would come back, ONLY to drop me off. So I went ahead and packed my stuff and left with Kayla. First stop we make is to see her mom. I was so a nervous wreck, but I was trying to play it cool. It didn't help that Kayla kept asking if I was nervous. So we get there and everything seems to be going well. We leave and when we get to the store, her mom comes out and tells her to come back over there (the store was right next door). And so we walked over there. While I'm standing in the kitchen, Kayla and her mom are in the back room arguing. I couldn't hear anything. But I do hear her mom say, "Take her home and bring your ass back here." So Kayla took me back to Chelsea's house and kept apologizing for it. In the end, I found out that she lied to her mom where she was the previous night, and on top of that, she finally told her mom she was gay. And her mom knew this, but she wanted Kayla to tell her when she was ready to tell her, but apparently, she wasn't ready to hear it (what parent really is anyways?). Well we get back to Chelsea's and Kayla told Chelsea what happened. Then we said our goodbyes and Kayla left. Brittney and I went with Chelsea to meet her mom. Then we went to Bainbridge so Chelsea could do something there, then we got something to eat because we were all hungry. After that, we went back to the house and put the stuff in the car and left about 430. We made it back by 7-730ish. When we got back, I felt so out of it. Like I was standing still and the rest of the world was moving fast paced around me. And I hated that feeling, absolutely hated it. I went to the Lambda (last one of the year) and I didn’t really participate or talk much. I’m surprised that no one asked me what was wrong but then again, I’m not surprised. Afterwards, Brittney and I headed back and during this, Brooke texts me and asks me how my week was going. When I told her that I had better weeks, but it was all good now, she asked me what made it better, I said seeing my girlfriend. But she kept saying okay so finally I gave up on having an actual conversation. Brittney went to her room and I went to Late Night. It was good to be stressed free, even if it was a couple of hours.

Wednesday:
Wednesday seemed to be an okay day. Nothing to terribly horrible happened. Brittney and I rented Bolt and Fireproof. We watched Bolt and then tried to watch Lloyd on youtube but the movie wouldn’t load so we gave up on that real quick because the movie wouldn’t load. While all this is going on, Brooke randomly texted me and asked me why a girl (that’s not verbatim, just the basis of it). And when I told her my reasons, she just said okay. And I may not be close to Brooke as I used to be, but I still know that when she keeps saying okay, she really wants to say something, but she’s refraining from saying it. And it drove me crazy then and it still drives me crazy. So I finally texted her and told her that if she wanted to say something, just say it. And she finally did. I stopped responding after a while. I’ve come to realize that Brooke and I are never going to be the same ever again. We just aren’t close anymore, we just aren’t. And I hate that because I value our friendship still, I do, but I can’t just talk to her the way we used to and that sucks major. But it’s something that I’ve been dealing with for a long time.

Thursday:
Thursday is the day of all days. This is the day where I realize that Kayla isn’t going to be able to hang out partly because of what happened on Tuesday. So there’s no point in me sitting in a car for 3 hours just so Brittney can be with Chelsea. So I made plans to go home. My brother had texted me and told me that Dagen would be home for the weekend. I was in a class (not one of my classes, just in a class), when Chelsea texts me and tells me I need to watch my back. That she didn’t think Kayla was serious about this relationship. And on top of that, I’ve got Brittney telling me that she’s got a bad vibe from Kayla as well. I’m hearing all these things and I’ve got Kayla saying that she’s never felt this way about anyone before and that she loves and care about me a lot. So I naturally don’t know who to believe at this point. I’m torn between my loyalty to my best friend who has always had my back and the girl who claims that she cares and loves me. I didn’t know what the heck to think. After that class, Maritza and Angela sat outside with me and were trying to talk to me and trying to make me feel better. I was so on the verge of tears, you can ask Maritza or Angela. But I never cried cause I just can’t cry in front of people, I just can’t. Kayla was trying to call me and I wouldn’t answer the phone. I didn’t answer it because I didn’t know what to tell her and I was afraid that if I talked to her, I would start crying and I just didn’t want to cry. I texted her and she talked me through it as well as Maritza and Angela. I finally said screw it, I’m taking a chance. And I know that Brittney and Chelsea are just trying to keep from getting hurt, but maybe it’s time I got hurt again. What doesn’t kill only makes you stronger, right? I finally made it back to the dorm and changed for CCF. Brittney and I left and picked some people up. We got there late, but I honestly didn’t care, because I didn’t want to talk to Jason yet, or anyone really. The worship went great and the message was good except that Brittney, Erin Mathis, and I are so sure it was directed towards Britt and I. We felt like Matt kept looking at us during his speech. We hated that. I still hate it. I’m just trying to keep a grip on reality and sometimes it’s hard to. But Brittney and I are definitely at that paranoia stage, which is totally understandable. Afterwards, Britt and I left pretty much right away. We watched Fireproof in her kitchen (or tried to). We gave up after while when we were talking to Kayla and Chelsea on the phone. Then we went to bed.

I plan on updating for this week later, but I have to get to bed.

I am getting baptized

on April 23, 2009, after the last CCF we have. I am so excited. I obviously talked to Jason and he explained the whole thing to me, and did I mention I can't wait???? God has been so good to me and I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me!!

Sunday, when Chelsea and Kayla came up to visit us, was AMAZING! Kayla and I hit it off really well and we are still texting each other. We are even sending pictures to one another!! Still working on the calling thing haha. Kayla's accent is so thick that I can barely understand on her on the phone. :D They watched me play softball and we (CCF) had a good game even though we lost (I think). After that, we went to Applebee's for dinner and after that, Chelsea and Kayla dropped Brittney and I off and they left. We didn't want them to leave haha. After we got to the top of the steps, Britt and I turned around and watched them drive off. We so weren't ready for them to leave.
We had late night at CCF tonight, so here are my notes!!

1
It is easy to give up your material things, but it is hard to give your flesh and body fully over to God.
We are just stewards of our things and body. We are just 'borrowing' our bodies.
We are slaves to Christ because He made us, He owns us.
Redeemer-He is our owner, our creator, and we have sold ourselves to other worldly things, our desires, and Christ has bought us back to be His.
We are slaves to Christ, but we dont like the word 'slave' because we associate it with things like working for other people, bondage, injustice, oppression.
But we are free slaves. We are slaves to Christ but He gives us free will to do what we want to.
What you do or don't do, you are still doing something, even if that something is nothing.

2
We have to give up our wants, our desires, and truly worship God for all His worth.
Abraham's sacrifice of Isacc: Willingness to give up what he truly loved the most to show how much he loved God.
We are trying to understand God's will sufficently.
Thomas knew that it would turn out horrible and he still chose to follow Christ.

3
We have the freedom to make mistakes and still be able to come back and try again.
It's difficult to give full control to God.
Philippians 4:13-We can withstand trial, pain, mockery, suffering because God strengthens them.
We can't be healed til we have been broken.

I'm an idiot

Today I told Sammy that I was bi. And I have been worrying for nothing. She didn't care. She didn't care!! She said that I am too much of her best friend to let that come between us. It's more of a relief than I can put into words. I felt bad when she said that I must have not know her that well. But I like to think that I do know her quite well. But I guess I allowed this own guilt of keeping a secret like that from her for so long that I couldn't see that she would still love me anyways. You guys don't even know how relieved I am though. I can only hope that my parents take it as well. I plan on telling them, I just have to know that right moment to do it, ya know? I know I'm closer to telling them than I was back in October.

Heidi and I are talking again. She was talking about wanting to do a girls' day out, just me and her, and just catching up. I hope she means it, cuz I love Heidi. She is my best friend and my sister. I can't imagine losing her. Which is why I am so grateful that our parents are best friends, because without them, we wouldn't be best friends anymore and I know that. That's why I cherish every moment I can get with that girl.

I went to CCF tonight like I always do every Thursday. It was a good night. Here's some of my notes:
LIVING SACRIFICES
Acts 2:40-47
Romans 12:1-2
1. God is the Creator, Owner, and Designer of our bodies.
Genesis 1:26-27
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

2. We must become a living sacrifice.
Romans 12:1
How can we become a living sacrifice?
The Sacrifice of Isacc
Live life to the fullest through Him
True worship is laying all your mind, strength, body, and sould down at the altar of God and
living through Him
Do the best to your ability at giving God the glory

3. When God is fully in control of our lives then nothing is impossible.
Luke 1:37
Philippians 4:13

3 Prayers:
Break/ruin my heart O God
Heal me O God
Use me O God

And then Stephen said something that made me think....
he said that if we devote ten minutes a day to the Word of God and two hours to Facebook/Myspace/Twitter, etc., then we have a problem. We need to spend the time that we spend being on Facebook or whatever, reading the Word and learning more about our God and not who did what three days ago.

I have been thinking alot about getting baptized. I've wanted to do it awhile actually, because I want to reborn again in my passion for God and for Christ, but I never could figure out the right time to say anything to Jason. Well, that time came last Thursday. After the Shane & Shane Concert, Jason talked for a few minutes and then, he mentioned how a group of students were getting baptized in the next month. That's when I got goosebumps (and I was sweating). THAT was when I KNEW God was telling me that I was ready, that now is the time. So, because I didn't get a chance to talk to Jason after the concert, I emailed and I told him that exact same thing as the above. And we are gonna talk tomorrow more about it. I am pretty excited about it. I'm going to try and talk to my parents about it this weekend when I go home.

Well, I think that's all about I can write for now...Laterz