Normally, I can't write without music, so if this rambles, sorry.
I feel like I have to put this out there, but I'm not sure why. I know that some feel as though as I have not moved on yet from Alix and therefore, getting into another relationship too soon. I wish I could put the full story out there, but I can't. Some things need to stay private, because it's not anyone's business but mine and Alix's. That being said, I haven't moved too quickly. If you knew the full story, you would understand. Jessica knows that story and we are still taking it slow, as it should be with any relationship. But this I can say. I have been so depressed for so long. I have been pulling for myself for so long. It wasn't until these last six months that I have had to be accountable to not just myself but for others. Danielle and Cody, because they are the closest, distance wise, they do their best friend duties in making sure that I stay emotionally and physically stable. Stephanie has always been a part of my support system, we all know this. Brittney and Heidi have recently come back into my life after bullshit drama on both ends and are also a part of my support system. Then there is my family. Honestly, without all of these people in my life, I can honestly say that I would not be here today, typing this up. But this is where Jessica comes in. We are all humans. We all yearn for love and touch. It's only natural. I love my friends and family, but this is something that they can try to provide, but it's a different type of love that they just can't. For so long, I had this void in my heart. I felt unworthy and undeserving of such a love in my life. It was and is the depression talking, because I still feel so unworthy and undeserving to have the love that I get from Jessica. But I'm used to being told no. I'm used to bottling up emotions, because I wasn't allowed to show them before. I'm not used to having a choice or say in things. In short, I'm not used to being independent. I'm used to being dependent and being told what to do, without protesting it. Jessica is, unknowingly I'm sure, teaching me that I do matter. That I can be independent. That my opinion matters. That I, in fact, have every right to say no, and not suffer the consequences. I know we haven't know her for long, but I feel as though I can talk to her about anything, including Alix. Most girlfriends shut down when you talk about the exes, but she sits there and she listens. She comforts. And most of all, she shows me that I do truly matter. Yes, my friends do the same, but she understands in a way that the others can't. I can't tell without sharing her personal history how she understands the way they can't, and I won't do that without her permission. I know that recovery from depression is a long journey. I am so grateful to my friends who have stayed and are standing by me in this fight. I can say that things are looking up, and I am happier than I have been in so long. Jessica is a big part of this. The others I talked to after Alix and before Jessica, I was straight up with them. I wasn't going to get into a relationship without telling them what they could be getting into. I'm not wasting my time or theirs. And naturally, like I had expected, they ran. I liked Jessica for awhile before we started even talking, but I was too wound up in other things to realize it. I told Jessica before we made it official. Not all the details, but that I was suffering from depression and that I had roller coaster days. I honestly expected her to run, to be like the others. I didn't know her that well at the time, but I obviously didn't give her enough credit. Instead of running, she took my hand and smiled at me. Instead of running, she stands beside me as my rock in this fight. All my friends and family are my rocks in this fight. Without them and Jess, I'm alone and lost in the darkness. Actions speak so much louder than words. As I love to put it, Love is Action. All their actions tell me, they are in it for the long haul. And for that, I'm so eternally grateful for that.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Thursday, October 03, 2013
(Insert creative title here)
I seriously never know how to name these posts, mostly because they are ramblings of a college student. Hence the title of the blog! But seriously, if someone out there has a method of naming these posts, tell me!
I don't want to go into complete detail, but the ship of Alix and I has sailed and pretty much sunk. It's an unfortunate thing and I wish it could be different sometimes, but it is what it is, ya know? Simply put, actions speak louder than words. That seems to the theme of my summer... Which is okay with me! Because of this motto, I'm learning who really means what they say and how much they mean to me and how much I mean to them ( I swear this makes sense to me!)
I've come to realize so many things, which is why I am in a new relationship that I'm comfortable being in. I know that those on the outside of the situation and don't know the full story, it can be seen as moving too fast, or jumping into a rebound. And I totally get it, but if you knew the full story, you would see it differently. Love is complicated. Always has been, always will be. How I met Jessica is to be debated. SHE says that I made a mean face at her when we first met, so she thought I disliked her (why does everyone think I hate them????) I, on the other hand, don't think I did, but I digress. Before we really started texting, I know I couldn't get her out of my head for like 4 days. Finally, I asked Robin, her best friend and fellow coworker, if she was seeing anyone. She told me she wasn't. So I facebooked messaged Jessica, giving her my number and telling her she text me sometime. I had no idea it would be within the hour that she would actually text me! And it's been nonstop since then. On September 21st, we made it official. I find myself truly happier than I have been in quite some time. And that's the truth! I've figured out that denying something for the sake of someone else, never ends well.
I've moved in with Danielle, mostly because I was spending all my time there anyways for work. i have my own bedroom but I usually sleep upstairs with Danielle. It's been a blast!
Work is well, work. It's McDonald's. We're all crazy...in a good way... :)
I don't want to go into complete detail, but the ship of Alix and I has sailed and pretty much sunk. It's an unfortunate thing and I wish it could be different sometimes, but it is what it is, ya know? Simply put, actions speak louder than words. That seems to the theme of my summer... Which is okay with me! Because of this motto, I'm learning who really means what they say and how much they mean to me and how much I mean to them ( I swear this makes sense to me!)
I've come to realize so many things, which is why I am in a new relationship that I'm comfortable being in. I know that those on the outside of the situation and don't know the full story, it can be seen as moving too fast, or jumping into a rebound. And I totally get it, but if you knew the full story, you would see it differently. Love is complicated. Always has been, always will be. How I met Jessica is to be debated. SHE says that I made a mean face at her when we first met, so she thought I disliked her (why does everyone think I hate them????) I, on the other hand, don't think I did, but I digress. Before we really started texting, I know I couldn't get her out of my head for like 4 days. Finally, I asked Robin, her best friend and fellow coworker, if she was seeing anyone. She told me she wasn't. So I facebooked messaged Jessica, giving her my number and telling her she text me sometime. I had no idea it would be within the hour that she would actually text me! And it's been nonstop since then. On September 21st, we made it official. I find myself truly happier than I have been in quite some time. And that's the truth! I've figured out that denying something for the sake of someone else, never ends well.
I've moved in with Danielle, mostly because I was spending all my time there anyways for work. i have my own bedroom but I usually sleep upstairs with Danielle. It's been a blast!
Work is well, work. It's McDonald's. We're all crazy...in a good way... :)
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Update
I know it's been awhile. I'm not really sure where to even start. So much has happened since I last posted. So I guess it'll be random thoughts til I'm satisfied.
Work:
I finally got a job. I currently work at the McDonald's by the theater in Carrollton and I love it. Well, I love the people I work with and some of our nice regulars. Our mean regulars...not so much. I will say that the one good thing that has come out of this job is that I have found my best friend, Danielle. Sure, it took us awhile to actually become best friends, but now that we are, we are practically inseparable. We started talking once we were having problems with our significant others (more on that later) and from there, it's expanded into a beautiful bond that I consider to be rare these days. I honestly which I had posted back when I first started some of the crazy stories that I have experienced while working here. I'm sure I could get a book deal out of this. It's crazy, but I'll try to keep you updated on the craziness from here on out.
Personal life:
I've been depressed for a while. I just refused to accept that I was. Mostly out of not wanting to seem weak. I wanted to seem like nothing could get to me and that I was okay. But I wasn't. I was losing my appetite and I was slowly losing my passion for photography. Once I realized that was happening, I knew I was in trouble. But I still didn't do anything about it. I just put a smile on my face and pushed it deep inside me. Well, one night, it backfired on me. I was ready to end it all in my tub of mine and Alix's apartment. The only that stopped was the fact that I didn't want Alix to be the one to find me. Needless to say, I have gotten help. I'm talking to someone weekly and I'm on Effexor and it seems to be giving the motivation I need to get my life back on track, especially now that I'm now single (again, more on that later). My therapist is awesome and she has a pretty good memory. Before this had all happened, I had considered therapy, simply to have someone to talk to, because everyone always came to me to be a shoulder to cry on and to lend a sympathetic ear, but it felt like when I needed them, they weren't there (these people are no longer in my life). I can just talk and talk and she helps me figure things out and doesn't judge me. It's quite nice and I do wish I had started doing it earlier. Maybe I wouldn't be in this particular situation if I had. But hey, hindsight is 20/20, right?
Love life and living situation:
These two are unfortunately related. Alix and I broke up May 24. I won't go into full detail because that's not fair to Alix. Let's say that it was coming for a few months prior, and I hadn't accepted that fully. Also, actions speak louder than words and the actions of Alix told me that she wanted to be single for a while. I knew she wouldn't tell me that because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. However, I realized it's not fair to either of us to be in a relationship that isn't equal. Thus, the breakup. Don't get me wrong. We are still friends and I still love her as I always have. I just hope that once we get our lives back on track, that we can resume our relationship. At first, I didn't think that was what I wanted but, now I know, due to the experiences of the last month and a half. For starters, I had a crush on Danielle, but in the long run, Danielle and I decided it's better to be friends than lovers. I know her enough to know that if we had dated and then we broke up, that would be the end of that friendship, and I value that more than anything right now. Then there was Erecca. Lawd. I really thought I had something going with her. We talked nonstop for two weeks. I visited her at work. We went on a date and we kissed. Rather, we made out. It was great. Or so I thought. One night after a hellish night at work, I had a text from her basically saying that she wasn't feeling the same way towards me as I did towards her. Which really sucked. Like it hurt major. It still hurts, but now it's the idea of being rejected yet again. However, it's because of this, that I know it won't work with anyone but Alix. I still see my future with her, just as I have these last 3 and a half years. I mean 3 and a half years, that gotta mean something right? Our lease was up at the end of June and we decided to move on. Alix moved in with her friend and I moved back home. It's not that I hate living at home, it's the constant driving. And honestly, who wants to say that they had to move back home? I love my parents and I am grateful to them more than they can know for allowing me to move back into my old bedroom but I don't want to live here much longer. Danielle and I are more determined than ever to get a place together and I couldn't be more excited about it.
Danielle:
She's been there for me these last few months and vice versa. The bond we share is something that I believe is hard to find these days. I cherish it immensely. I do remember the first day I started working there. Danielle and Cody both came up to me and said HI!, hugged me and ran off. I knew I would love my job right then and there. And granted, Danielle and I didn't really become friends til a few months later, it feels like we've been best friends forever. And I love it. I never thought I would find something that I have with Stephanie with anyone else, but I did. I consider myself to be a lucky girl. Right now, we're going through almost the same thing and it helps that we can each other's sounding board. The best part? We don't hold back. If we think something the other is doing, is a stupid idea or just wouldn't work, we tell them that. I would rather know what she really thinks, not what I want to hear. Because we know life doesn't work like that. I love this girl more than she probably understands right now, haha but I definitely can't wait to see what the future holds for our friendship.
Cody:
Cody is another best friend. He's like my big little brother. He may be taller but not older than me. He's also my sounding board as I am his. He's the one who introduced me to the Butterfly Project to help me stop cutting. Cody is a loving person whom I know I wouldn't have gotten through these last few months. He's also stopped me from doing a few stupid things too haha
Well as of right now, this is all that I can think to update on.
Work:
I finally got a job. I currently work at the McDonald's by the theater in Carrollton and I love it. Well, I love the people I work with and some of our nice regulars. Our mean regulars...not so much. I will say that the one good thing that has come out of this job is that I have found my best friend, Danielle. Sure, it took us awhile to actually become best friends, but now that we are, we are practically inseparable. We started talking once we were having problems with our significant others (more on that later) and from there, it's expanded into a beautiful bond that I consider to be rare these days. I honestly which I had posted back when I first started some of the crazy stories that I have experienced while working here. I'm sure I could get a book deal out of this. It's crazy, but I'll try to keep you updated on the craziness from here on out.
Personal life:
I've been depressed for a while. I just refused to accept that I was. Mostly out of not wanting to seem weak. I wanted to seem like nothing could get to me and that I was okay. But I wasn't. I was losing my appetite and I was slowly losing my passion for photography. Once I realized that was happening, I knew I was in trouble. But I still didn't do anything about it. I just put a smile on my face and pushed it deep inside me. Well, one night, it backfired on me. I was ready to end it all in my tub of mine and Alix's apartment. The only that stopped was the fact that I didn't want Alix to be the one to find me. Needless to say, I have gotten help. I'm talking to someone weekly and I'm on Effexor and it seems to be giving the motivation I need to get my life back on track, especially now that I'm now single (again, more on that later). My therapist is awesome and she has a pretty good memory. Before this had all happened, I had considered therapy, simply to have someone to talk to, because everyone always came to me to be a shoulder to cry on and to lend a sympathetic ear, but it felt like when I needed them, they weren't there (these people are no longer in my life). I can just talk and talk and she helps me figure things out and doesn't judge me. It's quite nice and I do wish I had started doing it earlier. Maybe I wouldn't be in this particular situation if I had. But hey, hindsight is 20/20, right?
Love life and living situation:
These two are unfortunately related. Alix and I broke up May 24. I won't go into full detail because that's not fair to Alix. Let's say that it was coming for a few months prior, and I hadn't accepted that fully. Also, actions speak louder than words and the actions of Alix told me that she wanted to be single for a while. I knew she wouldn't tell me that because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. However, I realized it's not fair to either of us to be in a relationship that isn't equal. Thus, the breakup. Don't get me wrong. We are still friends and I still love her as I always have. I just hope that once we get our lives back on track, that we can resume our relationship. At first, I didn't think that was what I wanted but, now I know, due to the experiences of the last month and a half. For starters, I had a crush on Danielle, but in the long run, Danielle and I decided it's better to be friends than lovers. I know her enough to know that if we had dated and then we broke up, that would be the end of that friendship, and I value that more than anything right now. Then there was Erecca. Lawd. I really thought I had something going with her. We talked nonstop for two weeks. I visited her at work. We went on a date and we kissed. Rather, we made out. It was great. Or so I thought. One night after a hellish night at work, I had a text from her basically saying that she wasn't feeling the same way towards me as I did towards her. Which really sucked. Like it hurt major. It still hurts, but now it's the idea of being rejected yet again. However, it's because of this, that I know it won't work with anyone but Alix. I still see my future with her, just as I have these last 3 and a half years. I mean 3 and a half years, that gotta mean something right? Our lease was up at the end of June and we decided to move on. Alix moved in with her friend and I moved back home. It's not that I hate living at home, it's the constant driving. And honestly, who wants to say that they had to move back home? I love my parents and I am grateful to them more than they can know for allowing me to move back into my old bedroom but I don't want to live here much longer. Danielle and I are more determined than ever to get a place together and I couldn't be more excited about it.
Danielle:
She's been there for me these last few months and vice versa. The bond we share is something that I believe is hard to find these days. I cherish it immensely. I do remember the first day I started working there. Danielle and Cody both came up to me and said HI!, hugged me and ran off. I knew I would love my job right then and there. And granted, Danielle and I didn't really become friends til a few months later, it feels like we've been best friends forever. And I love it. I never thought I would find something that I have with Stephanie with anyone else, but I did. I consider myself to be a lucky girl. Right now, we're going through almost the same thing and it helps that we can each other's sounding board. The best part? We don't hold back. If we think something the other is doing, is a stupid idea or just wouldn't work, we tell them that. I would rather know what she really thinks, not what I want to hear. Because we know life doesn't work like that. I love this girl more than she probably understands right now, haha but I definitely can't wait to see what the future holds for our friendship.
Cody:
Cody is another best friend. He's like my big little brother. He may be taller but not older than me. He's also my sounding board as I am his. He's the one who introduced me to the Butterfly Project to help me stop cutting. Cody is a loving person whom I know I wouldn't have gotten through these last few months. He's also stopped me from doing a few stupid things too haha
Well as of right now, this is all that I can think to update on.
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