Jess and my rocks

Normally, I can't write without music, so if this rambles, sorry.

I feel like I have to put this out there, but I'm not sure why. I know that some feel as though as I have not moved on yet from Alix and therefore, getting into another relationship too soon. I wish I could put the full story out there, but I can't. Some things need to stay private, because it's not anyone's business but mine and Alix's. That being said, I haven't moved too quickly. If you knew the full story, you would understand. Jessica knows that story and we are still taking it slow, as it should be with any relationship. But this I can say. I have been so depressed for so long. I have been pulling for myself for so long. It wasn't until these last six months that I have had to be accountable to not just myself but for others. Danielle and Cody, because they are the closest, distance wise, they do their best friend duties in making sure that I stay emotionally and physically stable. Stephanie has always been a part of my support system, we all know this. Brittney and Heidi have recently come back into my life after bullshit drama on both ends and are also a part of my support system. Then there is my family. Honestly, without all of these people in my life, I can honestly say that I would not be here today, typing this up. But this is where Jessica comes in. We are all humans. We all yearn for love and touch. It's only natural. I love my friends and family, but this is something that they can try to provide, but it's a different type of love that they just can't. For so long, I had this void in my heart. I felt unworthy and undeserving of such a love in my life. It was and is the depression talking, because I still feel so unworthy and undeserving to have the love that I get from Jessica. But I'm used to being told no. I'm used to bottling up emotions, because I wasn't allowed to show them before. I'm not used to having a choice or say in things. In short, I'm not used to being independent. I'm used to being dependent and being told what to do, without protesting it. Jessica is, unknowingly I'm sure, teaching me that I do matter. That I can be independent. That my opinion matters. That I, in fact, have every right to say no, and not suffer the consequences. I know we haven't know her for long, but I feel as though I can talk to her about anything, including Alix. Most girlfriends shut down when you talk about the exes, but she sits there and she listens. She comforts. And most of all, she shows me that I do truly matter. Yes, my friends do the same, but she understands in a way that the others can't. I can't tell without sharing her personal history how she understands the way they can't, and I won't do that without her permission. I know that recovery from depression is a long journey. I am so grateful to my friends who have stayed and are standing by me in this fight. I can say that things are looking up, and I am happier than I have been in so long. Jessica is a big part of this. The others I talked to after Alix and before Jessica, I was straight up with them. I wasn't going to get into a relationship without telling them what they could be getting into. I'm not wasting my time or theirs. And naturally, like I had expected, they ran. I liked Jessica for awhile before we started even talking, but I was too wound up in other things to realize it. I told Jessica before we made it official. Not all the details, but that I was suffering from depression and that I had roller coaster days. I honestly expected her to run, to be like the others. I didn't know her that well at the time, but I obviously didn't give her enough credit. Instead of running, she took my hand and smiled at me. Instead of running, she stands beside me as my rock in this fight. All my friends and family are my rocks in this fight. Without them and Jess, I'm alone and lost in the darkness. Actions speak so much louder than words. As I love to put it, Love is Action. All their actions tell me, they are in it for the long haul. And for that, I'm so eternally grateful for that.

(Insert creative title here)

I seriously never know how to name these posts, mostly because they are ramblings of a college student. Hence the title of the blog! But seriously, if someone out there has a method of naming these posts, tell me!

I don't want to go into complete detail, but the ship of Alix and I has sailed and pretty much sunk. It's an unfortunate thing and I wish it could be different sometimes, but it is what it is, ya know? Simply put, actions speak louder than words. That seems to the theme of my summer... Which is okay with me! Because of this motto, I'm learning who really means what they say and how much they mean to me and how much I mean to them ( I swear this makes sense to me!)

I've come to realize so many things, which is why I am in a new relationship that I'm comfortable being in. I know that those on the outside of the situation and don't know the full story, it can be seen as moving too fast, or jumping into a rebound. And I totally get it, but if you knew the full story, you would see it differently. Love is complicated. Always has been, always will be. How I met Jessica is to be debated. SHE says that I made a mean face at her when we first met, so she thought I disliked her (why does everyone think I hate them????) I, on the other hand, don't think I did, but I digress. Before we really started texting, I know I couldn't get her out of my head for like 4 days. Finally, I asked Robin, her best friend and fellow coworker, if she was seeing anyone. She told me she wasn't. So I facebooked messaged Jessica, giving her my number and telling her she text me sometime. I had no idea it would be within the hour that she would actually text me! And it's been nonstop since then. On September 21st, we made it official. I find myself truly happier than I have been in quite some time. And that's the truth! I've figured out that denying something for the sake of someone else, never ends well.

I've moved in with Danielle, mostly because I was spending all my time there anyways for work. i have my own bedroom but I usually sleep upstairs with Danielle. It's been a blast!

Work is well, work. It's McDonald's. We're all crazy...in a good way... :)