Iffy....

Sometimes, I feel like my best isn't good enough. I tried so hard this semester and so far, I have two C's to show for it. I understand the Faces of Culture grade because I kept forgetting about the stupid online quizzes, and I know that seriously hurt me. I'm just really nervous about my Critical Thinking and Abnormal Psychology grade. I'm more nervous about the Critical Thinking grade than anything. I really want to know what I made on the media project. I was so nervous while I presenting, I could feel my lower jaw shaking as I was talking. I hate public speaking, I really do. But I need to get over that because if I want to be a psychologist with my own practice, I'll have to get over presenting on front of strangers. I'm trying not to worry too much but it's hard considering my tuition is due Monday and my VR counselor has been out this last week. Forget the new ear molds, I want them to pay my tuition!! I know I was in contact with her before she went away so I know she knows, so I'm hoping she did all the things she needed to do before she left, or got someone else to do it as well. Right now, I'm at Wendy's house right now while she and Wesley gets Eli's Xmas present. And tomorrow, Alix and I are watching my beautiful goddaughter. Right now, that's all I want. Just to play with someone who doesn't care about my grades haha

Finals

Finals are looming and as usual, stressing out about them. I always worry about my grades but then I get the added pressure of "are they good enough for VR?" If not this semester, I won't be in school next semester because on December 14th, starting at 9 am, I will be getting crowns on my teeth. Which also means there goes all my gift card wishes (sad face). I really want to update my closet to more girly clothes. It's seriously time for a change! But alas, that change comes in the form of new teeth. Which I'm excited about, because I hate my teeth, and not excited about because I REALLY wanted some new clothes. I don't normally ask for clothes, so you know it's a big deal when I do.

Angela is graduating December 18th in Macon. I got the invite the other day. I'm so proud of her and it upsets me that I won't be able to attend. I haven't been able to figure out how to tell her that I won't be there. If it weren't the same day that Alix's family were doing their Christmas AND Alix's birthday, I would be down there in a heartbeat. But I'm going to make sure we hang out when she comes back to town. I do need to write her though, I don't want her to think I forgot about her! Cause I haven't!

Speaking of the Howard Christmas, I really need to get started on editing the pictures for all the presents. Ay yi yi yi. What have I gotten myself into? But what can I say? I love photography. The pictures Alix and I took of her niece and nephews turned out really great, I really don't think some of them even need editing. I really love the ones by the railroad tracks.

In a separate post, I'm gonna talk about the submissions I make to the new edition of the Eclectic. Two of my pictures got in there last time, so we will see what happens.

Well, back to studying for finals. :)

Auburn tornados

Two days ago, a tornado went through Auburn, Alabama as well as through some other towns. It also went over Lake Harding where Alix's aunt and uncle and parents live. Both of their houses are fine, but Jo and Danny's neighbors (the aunt and uncle) weren't so lucky. Their houses are pretty much destroyed. It amazes me how their house survives while neighbors on either side didn't. Alix says that she really believes that her grandparents (Robbye's (Alix's mom) parents) were watching both over Jo and Robbye's house. But Robbye and Tom (Alix's dad) work in Lagrange and were working when the tornado hit. So as Robbye is driving home, she does not even know if she has a house to come home to. Fortunately, she did. Boe (the dog) and Aubie (the cat) were fine as they stay outside while Robbye and Tom are at work. I was in class when Alix told me that her mom didn't know if she had a house to come home to. I couldn't believe that we had just been up there this past Saturday and I couldn't fathom it being the last time we were there. But it's not. It has made me realize, however, that no matter how stressed we are, we should always enjoy each and every moment with friends and family. It could be the last memory you make with them and you want it to be a happy one.

This is a short entry but I have a final to work on and I had to get this out of my head and onto here. Back to work I go!

Taking Chances

Okay I wrote like 32 posts one year. I'm bound to at least do that many this year....I don't have many days left, so maybe I shouldn't set an extravagant goal...

ANYWAYS. My favorite artist of all time, hands down is Terri Clark. She's a Canadian country singer who released her first album in 1994. I pretty much have all the cds with her name, except for the recent one, Roots and Wings. Now, there was a gap between Life Goes On in 2005 and the Long Way Home in 2009. Yes, she release Terri Clark Live and The Millennium Celebration but for the most part, no new music. BTW, just for your useless knowledge part of the brain, my favorite album is No Fear. When The Long Way Home came out, you could tell her sound had changed (for someone who is hearing impaired, noticing such a different is a big deal!), other than the fact that you could hear it, she also said it! I kind of reluctant at first because I was such a fanatic about her sound before. So, I will admit that I didn't give it the chance that I should have. Now that Roots and Wings is out and I already like two of the songs already, I decided to give The Long Way Home another chance. I'm glad I did. Some of the songs speak to me in a way that it probably wouldn't have before. Merry Go Round in particular is about that life is not about getting ahead, that savoring the moments with friends and family are important. And the sound is just amazing.

I guess my message for this is that I need to give things a chance sometimes. I don't always take the risks that I probably should, just because it is outside my comfort zone. As I'm getting older, I'm going to eventually settle down and have kids and then I will really be outside of my comfort zone. I mean going outside that zone doesn't and isn't always a failure. I mean this past summer doing Perspectives...working 12 teenage girls who couldn't give a rat's ass what you think (that was my thinking at first, before I actually did it)? I was scared, I won't lie. But it turned out great and the girls found friends in not only the counselors but as well as each other.

I'm ending this here so I can stop rambling :)

new untitled poem!

Okay bear with me. The poems I've been writing lately come from nowhere and mostly don't make sense to anyone but me. BUT, I couldn't explain it if I tried. Anyways, I wanna know opinions and suggestions anyone may have for me.

(Untitled for now)

Faith. Reasoning. Irrational.

Faith is reasoning.

Reasoning is irrational.

Irrational is faith.

We are all connected, intertwined.

Connected through faith or lack thereof.

Intertwined through beliefs.

Six degrees of separation, it does not exist.

We all believe in something,

whether it be faith or reasoning.

Who really cares?

Can't we just all get along, peacefully?

Perspectives Camp

During the summer, I was able to work a great group of girls who were in need of guidance. For two weeks, fellow counselors and I, spent time with these girls. I could tell that each new day brought change. In the beginning, we had some issues. They were somewhat resistant to the whole thing and had no problem letting us know this. Some of the girls knew each other already and didn't like each other. There were cliques the first few days. No one wanted to associate with the others. Eventually, that got put aside and with each new day brought change. I can't speak for the girls in this program but I know that I can speak for myself. With each new day, I felt change. not only in myself, but in the girls as well. I felt like we were reaching out to them and getting through to them and changing them (I'm told that I did change at least one life). It was good and we had fun and of course, I took almost 1,000 pictures (seriously!) over the course of two weeks. But camp is now over.

It's been a few months and I do think about the girls quite a bit. Some I know are doing well, some I know are not. I just wonder for all the others, if they have been changed by this. I like to think so, but without being able to talk them, I don't think I will know. I wish I wrote more on this blog, because I feel like I have so much to say and I can't because this post would be way too long to catch up. Although I found friends in the counselors, we are not that close. But, I wish we were because they experienced this with me and they know what we went through in those two short weeks.

I can say two things. One, the woman who ran the whole thing, is so amazing. She came up with this program because someone asked her to. She's a marine (should she ever read this, thank you for your service), but she knew that having a boot camp style thing was not the way to go. I feel so blessed to know and that I feel that I am a better person for knowing her. And two, the camp was amazing. We did and do great things and I do keep in touch with some of the girls. I really look forward to doing this again next year with a new group of girls and I hope some can come from this previous year.

string of thoughts

I know it's been awhile, but not enough and too much has happened. I don't even know where to start...

I guess for starters, I can talk about what led me to do another post. I know I'm out to family and I'm okay with that. Yes, even my grandmother, whom I swore would never know, but that's later. I'm not expecting everyone to agree with it, I'm not going to ask them to change their beliefs just because I am family. But at the same time, because I am family, I expect respect from them. And right now, I'm not feeling it. I was Facebook stalking some of my cousins and I ended up looking at pictures of one and came across some concerning pictures. By concerning, I mean the comments on said pictures. I expect them to say something, but they didn't have to go to the extreme of saying things like, "I didn't get one of those, because a friend said I would look like a lesbian, and you definitely do." I mean really? And then on the other picture, going to the extreme of saying 'disgusting' and 'gross' and then to find out my aunt says it's nasty....but what really blows me out of the water is when my cousin commented saying that she was expecting that kind of comment from my cousin, I'm just.....speechless. Again, not asking that they accept the fact that I'm gay, but they can at least respect me and my choices, especially in a public forum such as Facebook. I mean, am I wrong to upset about it?

My aunt Rhonda died. She finally lost the fight COPD. She's had it for as long as I can remember, but supposedly she's lived longer than most people who are diagnosed with it. When someone is first diagnosed with it, they usually die within the next 4 to 5 years. I'm not saying that it's always the case though. My aunt lived with for 10 years, if not more. Well, we were never close, but she's family. I feel like I should have cried more than I really did. When she was in the hospital and the doctors said that she wasn't going to live 2 more days, Harper and I said our goodbyes, that's really only time that I really cried and she died a week later. She's the first person I've known to die that I was able to say my goodbyes...It still kills me that I didn't get to say goodbye to my grandparents. It's not like it was unexpected. We knew it was coming and yet, I didn't get that chance. I feel like a horrible person because after all that, I was pretty emotionless about the whole thing. I was more concerned with my mom and grandmother. I don't think my grandmother has ever lived alone since she married my grandfather....and it's funny because everyone all of the sudden thinks that she's this frail old woman who can't stand to be alone by herself. But she's still healthy and I think now that Rhonda isn't suffering anymore, she can finally relax without worrying about Rhonda and having to do things for her. But even without Rhonda there, she's always going to be worrying about something, it's a Keele thing. When she stayed at my parents' house for some odd weeks, I remember one morning, she didn't wake up until like noon. My mom had to make sure she was still alive. For as long as I can remember, she's always been up at like 8 or 9 in the morning, but being at my parents' house, she didn't have to worry about the doorbell or the phone ringing....Okay, now I'm getting off track. Back to my aunt. Plain and simple, I don't feel like I've mourned her death like I'm supposed to do.

My grandmother knows. After my aunt died, I gave her a few weeks to adjust to being by herself and I stayed one weekend. Yes, I drove up there, by myself. The whole intent was to tell her. But the whole time, I could never do it. We even watched Callie's and Arizona's wedding on Grey's Anatomy together and I still couldn't do it. But I wasn't going to leave until I told her. Well, Sunday rolled around and I had to come home. So after I was packed up and everything was loaded in the car, I decided to tell her. You know how they tell you not to think sometimes and just do? Well, the words "I need to talk to you" fell out of my mouth no sooner had I thought it. The telling her part, not so much. We were looking at each other from across the bar and we were holding hands and I'm pretty sure my hands were shaking....I was trying to get the words to come out of my mouth when she said, "I think I know what this is about" and then it was easy, I guess to say it out loud. She and Rhonda had suspected for some time and when I asked why she hadn't said something to me, she said that she had thought about it, but she wanted me to tell her when I was ready to tell her. Let me back here and say that I thought she was going to blow up and completely disown me forever. I felt this way, even after Mom had said that she wouldn't do that and that's her own mother. But that never eased me. Nana did tell me that if Pa was here, he probably would have been the one who flipped a lid, since a gay man 'put the make' on him when they had been dating...which was back in the 30s, early 40s. In case you don't know what 'putting the make on somebody' means, it means to hit on someone. That's what they called in those days. Anyways, so I guess Nana is okay with everything....for now.

I won't be walking in the 3-Day this year. The walk is next month and I have only gotten 65 dollars when I need to have 2300 dollars. Needless to say, even if I do walk, I won't be able to raise the rest of the money in time. If you still want to help me, you can do that by helping my mom. She is still walking, regardless of how much she raises. However, the more money she raises, the less that will come out of her pocket. So, go to www.the3day.org/goto/sallypoag and donate whatever you can, whenever you can, as often as you can.

scared

It is so crazy what life throws at us. Two of my friends are breaking up and they've been together for so long and we have all expected it to be all happily ever after. And they are like Alix and I. They have pets together and they have a place together. But yet, they don't have a future together anymore. And it scares me that Alix is going to wake up one day and realize that she doesn't love me anymore. But it wouldn't be just her that I would be losing, granted, it would be devastating, but I would also be losing Sophie and our future together. I wasn't that girl who had her wedding all planned out at the age of 10. I was getting dirty and riding bikes. And even when I was dating Earl, he would talk about marriage and kids and I didn't want that with him. But when I met Alix, that all changed. Now, I cant wait until we can get married and have kids (although the number is still up for debate haha). You always take the things you care most about, for granted and you don't know what you have, until it is too late. I guess I'm lucky that I've realized it before I've lost it. I have the most amazing girlfriend and the most supportive parents ever. They help us pay the bills...they don't have to but they do. And Alix's parents? OMG. They are the best too. As far as coming out goes, this is the second best scenario (the absolute best scenario would be that all parents in this didn't pretend one of us wasn't gay haha). But nonetheless, we have it so good and we take it for granted.

I know it's crazy that I haven't posted in awhile. But you know, things get so crazy. I can't believe though that I never talked about my suspension and my fight to get back into school and all that. But yea, I got suspended and couldn't do the following spring semester. During this time, I worked with Sharon and I did so many things to prove that I was ready. I really wish that I had written during that time to be able to better convey the emotions that I went through to get to here. But eventually, I got back into school that following Fall semester. I don't think I have ever fought so hard to stay in school. In high school, I never really cared for school. But here I was, fighting to be able to continue my education. My goal was all B's. I made two A's and B. How crazy is that? But now, I'm back in that fighting position. I am taking English 11o2 for the third time, and it is a little bit easier this time around, but who knows? I am anxious to get the semester over with already and I am only half way done. But I am more determined than ever to stay in school. I can't be a counselor of any kind without a degree.

As mentioned in the previous post, I am walking in the 3 Day this year. I hope this will inspire me to write about the journey and the training. As we complete training for the day, I hope not only to keep track of it on my page, but as well as here. It is in hopes that you will see how committed I am to this cause, and in turn, will inspire you to donate. :)

Foxs Trotters

Alix and I have teamed with Mom and Nichelle under the existing name of Foxs Trotters. Walking 60 miles in 3 days. It seems like a lot, but with the training we will be doing, I have faith in us. So please help. Give what you can. A dollar, a hundred dollars. Every bit counts. The goal, as you can see is $2,300, but if possible, I want to raise so much more than that. I know so many people who have either had it and won the fight or had it and lost the fight, and I want to put an end to that, and with your monetary donations, I can do just that. My mom had the hard part of fighting to win against breast cancer, but I couldn't do anything to help her. 60 miles in 3 days? I CAN DO THAT.