I guess for starters, I can talk about what led me to do another post. I know I'm out to family and I'm okay with that. Yes, even my grandmother, whom I swore would never know, but that's later. I'm not expecting everyone to agree with it, I'm not going to ask them to change their beliefs just because I am family. But at the same time, because I am family, I expect respect from them. And right now, I'm not feeling it. I was Facebook stalking some of my cousins and I ended up looking at pictures of one and came across some concerning pictures. By concerning, I mean the comments on said pictures. I expect them to say something, but they didn't have to go to the extreme of saying things like, "I didn't get one of those, because a friend said I would look like a lesbian, and you definitely do." I mean really? And then on the other picture, going to the extreme of saying 'disgusting' and 'gross' and then to find out my aunt says it's nasty....but what really blows me out of the water is when my cousin commented saying that she was expecting that kind of comment from my cousin, I'm just.....speechless. Again, not asking that they accept the fact that I'm gay, but they can at least respect me and my choices, especially in a public forum such as Facebook. I mean, am I wrong to upset about it?
My aunt Rhonda died. She finally lost the fight COPD. She's had it for as long as I can remember, but supposedly she's lived longer than most people who are diagnosed with it. When someone is first diagnosed with it, they usually die within the next 4 to 5 years. I'm not saying that it's always the case though. My aunt lived with for 10 years, if not more. Well, we were never close, but she's family. I feel like I should have cried more than I really did. When she was in the hospital and the doctors said that she wasn't going to live 2 more days, Harper and I said our goodbyes, that's really only time that I really cried and she died a week later. She's the first person I've known to die that I was able to say my goodbyes...It still kills me that I didn't get to say goodbye to my grandparents. It's not like it was unexpected. We knew it was coming and yet, I didn't get that chance. I feel like a horrible person because after all that, I was pretty emotionless about the whole thing. I was more concerned with my mom and grandmother. I don't think my grandmother has ever lived alone since she married my grandfather....and it's funny because everyone all of the sudden thinks that she's this frail old woman who can't stand to be alone by herself. But she's still healthy and I think now that Rhonda isn't suffering anymore, she can finally relax without worrying about Rhonda and having to do things for her. But even without Rhonda there, she's always going to be worrying about something, it's a Keele thing. When she stayed at my parents' house for some odd weeks, I remember one morning, she didn't wake up until like noon. My mom had to make sure she was still alive. For as long as I can remember, she's always been up at like 8 or 9 in the morning, but being at my parents' house, she didn't have to worry about the doorbell or the phone ringing....Okay, now I'm getting off track. Back to my aunt. Plain and simple, I don't feel like I've mourned her death like I'm supposed to do.
My grandmother knows. After my aunt died, I gave her a few weeks to adjust to being by herself and I stayed one weekend. Yes, I drove up there, by myself. The whole intent was to tell her. But the whole time, I could never do it. We even watched Callie's and Arizona's wedding on Grey's Anatomy together and I still couldn't do it. But I wasn't going to leave until I told her. Well, Sunday rolled around and I had to come home. So after I was packed up and everything was loaded in the car, I decided to tell her. You know how they tell you not to think sometimes and just do? Well, the words "I need to talk to you" fell out of my mouth no sooner had I thought it. The telling her part, not so much. We were looking at each other from across the bar and we were holding hands and I'm pretty sure my hands were shaking....I was trying to get the words to come out of my mouth when she said, "I think I know what this is about" and then it was easy, I guess to say it out loud. She and Rhonda had suspected for some time and when I asked why she hadn't said something to me, she said that she had thought about it, but she wanted me to tell her when I was ready to tell her. Let me back here and say that I thought she was going to blow up and completely disown me forever. I felt this way, even after Mom had said that she wouldn't do that and that's her own mother. But that never eased me. Nana did tell me that if Pa was here, he probably would have been the one who flipped a lid, since a gay man 'put the make' on him when they had been dating...which was back in the 30s, early 40s. In case you don't know what 'putting the make on somebody' means, it means to hit on someone. That's what they called in those days. Anyways, so I guess Nana is okay with everything....for now.
I won't be walking in the 3-Day this year. The walk is next month and I have only gotten 65 dollars when I need to have 2300 dollars. Needless to say, even if I do walk, I won't be able to raise the rest of the money in time. If you still want to help me, you can do that by helping my mom. She is still walking, regardless of how much she raises. However, the more money she raises, the less that will come out of her pocket. So, go to www.the3day.org/goto/sallypoag and donate whatever you can, whenever you can, as often as you can.
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