Here I Stand

I've been writing a lot. Mostly just to de-stress and get some mixed emotions out. But there's one thing that I'm writing that's particularly hard to do. I'm writing out my deepest darkest secret to give to Alix to read. The crazy thing is that this secret has never been told to anyone. Period. So it's kinda scary. Cause I'm trying to write it and I'm trying to explain so many things, I just don't know where to even start. One teacher in high school told me to just write, edit later. Sound familiar? It wouldn't if you don't go to University of West Georgia or read their paper. Yea, I was Writer of the Week sometime last year. ANYWAYS. I'm scared. I really think that I am thinking the worse and hoping for the best. I don't know, I'm just scared that this might change the way she thinks of me or looks at me. And I don't want it to change. I love Alix more than anything in this world and for me to tell her what I'll be telling her is a HUGE risk for me. But I promised her that I would never lie to her and I feel that by keeping this secret from her, that I would be breaking that promise and I don't think I can live with myself any longer knowing all this. I....am going to shut up now.

CCF

I realize that my passion for CCF has been intense at times, but it seems like I'm losing that passion lately. I just haven't felt like going to CCF lately. And it's taken me awhile to figure out why. I grew up in a small church with a really small youth group, as opposed to those who went big churches with youth groups so big they have to be divided by age group. It doesn't matter whether or not I believed in God, I'm accustomed to small groups. When I first started going to CCF, it was small. So small that we would have couches for seats instead of these stupid folding chairs. And it seemed like they were geared up for becoming close to students in their walk with Christ. Jason actually had time to sit and talk to a student for hours instead of 30 minutes. It used to be you could just walk into his office and talk. I miss that. ALOT. I miss the feeling of family. I miss the feeling of closeness. I miss that feeling of comfort and safeness with this group. Now, CCF is growing. It's big. And I understand that want. The more people that come, the more people that are coming to Christ. I get it, I really do. But because it's growing, it's screwed up. Now, it seems like Jason is always on the run with errands. Now, it seems like the ministry only cares about the freshman. Now, you can't walk into Jason's office to talk to him. You have to actually call him and ask him when he will be in the office. I feel like CCF isn't interested in bringing people to Christ. It feels to me that CCF is more interested in bring people to volunteer work. It's not a bad thing, volunteering. But it when it seems like it takes a precedent over God and working on our relationship with Him, then we've got a problem because God comes first in everything. Without Him, there is no us. I want to go this summer with them for Casas Por Cristo, but only because it's a cause that's close to my heart. But I kinda almost don't want to go, just because I would be going with CCF. I know it seems harsh. But I used to think I was the only one who felt this way. But I'm not. I've talked to some others who attend CCF on a regular basis, and they feel the same way I do, to an extent. You're probably wondering why I don't just go to a different ministry. Simple. It's because I feel like CCF is my family and you just don't give up on family. You just don't. So call me stubborn. I will admit that I have tried going to other ministries, but they never made me feel welcomed there. And that's a problem too.

Sensitive?

I've come to discover that I'm really sensitive about my hearing or lack thereof. I get it that it's funny sometimes when I don't hear that you insulted me, but it being the butt of every joke in my apartment because of it, well....it gets old. And fast. And I think that's why I stopped being at the apartment so much. And I hate being center of attention. I hate being picked on and made fun of. It was never something that I quite got over from that oh so lovely experience in middle school the day that I met Anna. It was something that Anna and I was working on before she died. And when she died, I didn't see the point of trying anymore. I really didn't and I still don't. I know it sounds childish and immature, but it still hurts my feelings sometimes and if I act like a drama queen, it's not that I'm trying to, but it's just because it stings. It makes me think that maybe my hearing is getting worse. But now is not the time for it now that i am not currently in school and without insurance. I don't have a job nor car. So I don't have the money to get my hearing tested. I don't know. I just makes me question....well...everything. My friendships and my relationships. I don't know. I just don't know.