Something to think about....

What would have happened if I had given in to my desires? And I don't mean any desires that probably meant breaking the law. I mean simple desires, like wanting to tell someone how you felt about them, or kissing them just to see their reaction. What if I had kissed Angela when I realized I was falling for her, or Brooke for that matter? What if I had told Angela or Brooke how I felt about them? What if I were to tell my parents about me? About Kayla? Would I be where I am today? Would the people I'm closest to, be this close to me still? Would the people I don't connect with today were the ones I was closest to instead? Jason was talking about how baptism is about letting go of the past and letting go of the one huge sin that stands between me and God. Jason (before he knew everything) was asking me what that sin was and at the time, I honestly don't know. I didn't think it was me being bi, and I still don't think that now. I think I finally figured it out, but this is so much worse than anything that Jason has told me that other people have been through. I regret it so much that I didn't think before talking. I know that everything that we do has consequences, but I never imagined these consequences being so....severe. I pray so much, asking God to give me the courage to say something or for guidance to show me what to do. But I honestly still don't know what to do. I want to say something and yet I am so afraid of what my future has in store for me.

The New Picture

I changed my picture to this because it reminds me that no matter how crazy it may get in this world, there will always be a group of amazing people setting aside time in their busy schedules to help others. This picture is from my first ever DNOW with First Baptist Church of Powder Springs. This took up a whole weekend. I know it was getting really close to finals for all of us and when we could be studying, we are instead dedicating a whole weekend to God. What we are doing in this picture is praying over this car. We had spent the last two hours washing it inside and out. We giving this car to someone who had two kids and really needed a car, but couldn't afford to buy one. I know that it was the charity project of the weekend but it meant so much more than that to us and I think we all came away from it, impacted forever. I know it did me and I'm new to this, so I can only imagine the others felt. I feel so blessed that God put these girls into my life, if only for a weekend. And I still feel that way.

No Title...

again I'm not sure how to say what I want to say but I'm sure that as last time, it will flow out.

I've been thinking about a lot of different things, so I'll just go with what comes to mind first.

I realized that a couple of days ago that my brother and I are more alike than I thought. Yea, we fight all the time, but we are so alike. Brittney says that I'm always putting others for me. But sometimes, I think I let others take advantage of me. Sometimes I don't realize it but looking back, I do. And right now, it hasn't been destructive and yet it has been. Sometimes I get so emotionally involved that I don't think before I do. Like with Brooke. That one semester she was her, I was always spending time with her because I just wanted to be around her. But what I didn't do was spend the time I needed to be doing school work. I neglected school just to be with her. And because of that, I am where I am when it comes to school. And yea I know, I have no one to blame but myself. My brother is the same way. He lets his heart lead rather than his head. After the whole thing with Windy, he handled his emotions in a bad way. He went back to Heather. And long story short, Windy is talking about moving back here and Harper is thinking back with her. He knows that he handled the situation wrong and he's trying to correct those mistakes. But we all think it's a bad idea to get back with Windy. The girl needs to stand on her own two feet. She's never lived on her own and she really needs to.

I've been thinking about something that Jason said the last time we sat and talked. He said that he could sense from reading earlier posts that I wasn't....comfortable...being bi. And in a way he's right, I'm not. I'm one of those people who hates doing things half way and I feel like saying that I'm bi makes me seem like I'm an indecisive person, and I'm really not. I feel like that if people see me with a girl, they assume I'm gay, and if they see me with a guy, they assume I'm straight. No one ever assumes that someone is bi. I'm not sure why it bothers me, it just does. I wish people would see that we didn't chose this, it's just the way we are. And honestly, I'm embracing this. I'm not going to just settle with a guy because of what society says is wrong or right. What they think, doesn't affect me. I'm the kind of person who, if I'm doing something wrong, I feel guilty about it. But I don't feel guilt. I feel that this is right. Right for me. It makes me genuinely happy and that to me, is what matters most.

The last time I saw Kayla was May 9, the day before our one month. The last time I talked to her on the phone was Wednesday, May 13, 2009. Call me crazy for remembering these dates, I just do. Kayla got her date for Basic Training moved up and left on May 13th for two months. While there, you can't have your cell phone. And there's no emailing, etc. Just good old fashioned mail. So far, I've gotten two. Some things happened the last time that I went to go see her and I've got certain people telling me not to stay in a relationship with her just to be in one.

I think I'll finish this later. I probably should go to bed. I just wanted to let the world know that I hadn't forgot about the blogging world haha.