uummmmm yea

So it's been awhile i guess. But yet, so many good things have happened since the last post. Alix and I have officially moved out of that hellhole called the Grove, away from the people from hell. Brittney and I are best friends and even better, Alix and Julia are best friends. Brittney and I realized that if we had just talked to each other, instead of letting butthead and beavis (joey and brandon) do it for us, we would have seen that we were basically just entertainment to them. Joey and Brandon had told us that they had told Brittney dozens of times that Alix did like her. But Brittney tells me that they told her that Alix didn't like her. I hate that I allowed them to come between a friendship that had been before them. But that's all I'm saying about that. Joey and Brandon and Molly aren't even worthy enough to be the scum between my toes.

I've lost another friendship but I'm not so sure that I care. Because it is all just so stupid.

I'm back in school this semester and I have a license and a car. School has been okay. I'm sucking in US History 2. I was so sure that when the semester started, I was going to breeze through US History 2 and struggle in Psychology and it is the complete and total opposite. And I hate it and I'm worried. There isn't much time left in the semester. I really have to do well on the next test if I want the grade I want. My future is riding on this. If I don't get my GPA, I'm out for the next five years. And this....scares the shit out of me. But Alix and my parents have been the best supporters of me. They tell that they love me and they have faith in me. They don't pressure me, they just encourage me. And that is so much appreciated.

I really want to try and write some more. And not just when I have some deep thought. Just write regularly.

Being Gay Isn't A Choice

I hear it all the time, "Why do you choose to be gay?"
Well, I don't choose to be gay anymore than I don't choose to have a hearing impairment. If I had a choice, I wouldn't choose this. I wouldn't chose to be put through so much hate and trouble.

"Then, why not stay in the closeted?"
Because of several reasons. I chose to be happy and live my life to the fullest. I could be 'straight and be unhappy' or I could be who I really am and be happy. Plus, if I were to stay closeted, it wouldn't be fair to the other person. If that person doesn't make me happy, why would I waste both of our times. And same thing goes for the hearing impairment. I could ignore it and not wear a hearing aid and be absolutely miserable OR I could just accept it (as I have) and be completely.

And I don't even like labels really. I love who I love. The gender of that person doesn't matter as long as that person makes you happy. And Alix does that for me. I know that I had said before that I couldn't imagine my life without Kayla, but honestly? I said that because that's what people (and she) wanted to hear. This world is crazy. No one wants to hear how great you are doing after a bad breakup. No, they want to hear that you are suffering because it makes them feel better about themselves. We are all guilty of it. But hasn't anyone ever noticed that I only said that after I broke up with her. Yea, that's right. I broke up with her. I always said that she broke up with me, because it would seem more logical for her to break up with me than for me to break up with her. But no one ever read the letters she sent after I told her I was done. BUT that's not the point. The point is is that I only said that after I broke up with her. Never while we were dating.

But here's the thing. Life without Alix....it's not possible. It just isn't. I truly do love her and I truly do want to spend the rest of my life with her and I want to wake up to her beautiful face every morning. Before Alix, I never really thought about marriage and kids. But that all changed when I met her. I find myself....fanatsizing about the wedding and our lives and our kids and it gets more excited than I thought possible. I can honestly say that I have never felt this way before and honestly? I can't possibly do any better than Alix, because as far as I'm concerned, she's the best of the best. The greatest of the greatest. She's the first person I've ever written a poem for, the first person I've ever created a huge poster. She's just my everything. And with her, the world seems like a nicer place.

I'm learning

I'm learning. That's it. I'm learning how to not let things take complete control. I'm learning how to be patient. I'm learning to talk. I'm learning not to hold my feelings inside until they come exploding out and I have random crying fits. I'm learning to readjusted to this cruel world. I'm learning to put trust in others. For no reason I can think of, I have major trust issues. I take that back. I used to be an atheist. AND I have a hearing impairment. I think some people are only joking when they say kids are cruel and mean. but they really are cruel and mean and I honestly don't understand how someone, another kid, a teacher, a parent (I don't mean mine), anyone, reach out to me, tell me it would be okay. BUT I'm learning. And it's going to take some time.

I'm in a funk. I don't know. I feel like I'm just here. A rock. A rock that serves others but doesn't necessarily look after itself. I'm really easily irritated lately. Little things set me off. And it eithers makes me mad or I burst out randomly crying. It's just like what the hell am I doing here? I'm not in school and I don't have a job. And I kinda don't care about either really. I kinda of find myself each day just wanting to lay in bed and not do anything. I basically feel like everything I try at, I fail at. I feel useless. I AM useless. I don't want to go to school or get a job. I mean seriously, what's the point of even being here?

Here I Stand

I've been writing a lot. Mostly just to de-stress and get some mixed emotions out. But there's one thing that I'm writing that's particularly hard to do. I'm writing out my deepest darkest secret to give to Alix to read. The crazy thing is that this secret has never been told to anyone. Period. So it's kinda scary. Cause I'm trying to write it and I'm trying to explain so many things, I just don't know where to even start. One teacher in high school told me to just write, edit later. Sound familiar? It wouldn't if you don't go to University of West Georgia or read their paper. Yea, I was Writer of the Week sometime last year. ANYWAYS. I'm scared. I really think that I am thinking the worse and hoping for the best. I don't know, I'm just scared that this might change the way she thinks of me or looks at me. And I don't want it to change. I love Alix more than anything in this world and for me to tell her what I'll be telling her is a HUGE risk for me. But I promised her that I would never lie to her and I feel that by keeping this secret from her, that I would be breaking that promise and I don't think I can live with myself any longer knowing all this. I....am going to shut up now.

CCF

I realize that my passion for CCF has been intense at times, but it seems like I'm losing that passion lately. I just haven't felt like going to CCF lately. And it's taken me awhile to figure out why. I grew up in a small church with a really small youth group, as opposed to those who went big churches with youth groups so big they have to be divided by age group. It doesn't matter whether or not I believed in God, I'm accustomed to small groups. When I first started going to CCF, it was small. So small that we would have couches for seats instead of these stupid folding chairs. And it seemed like they were geared up for becoming close to students in their walk with Christ. Jason actually had time to sit and talk to a student for hours instead of 30 minutes. It used to be you could just walk into his office and talk. I miss that. ALOT. I miss the feeling of family. I miss the feeling of closeness. I miss that feeling of comfort and safeness with this group. Now, CCF is growing. It's big. And I understand that want. The more people that come, the more people that are coming to Christ. I get it, I really do. But because it's growing, it's screwed up. Now, it seems like Jason is always on the run with errands. Now, it seems like the ministry only cares about the freshman. Now, you can't walk into Jason's office to talk to him. You have to actually call him and ask him when he will be in the office. I feel like CCF isn't interested in bringing people to Christ. It feels to me that CCF is more interested in bring people to volunteer work. It's not a bad thing, volunteering. But it when it seems like it takes a precedent over God and working on our relationship with Him, then we've got a problem because God comes first in everything. Without Him, there is no us. I want to go this summer with them for Casas Por Cristo, but only because it's a cause that's close to my heart. But I kinda almost don't want to go, just because I would be going with CCF. I know it seems harsh. But I used to think I was the only one who felt this way. But I'm not. I've talked to some others who attend CCF on a regular basis, and they feel the same way I do, to an extent. You're probably wondering why I don't just go to a different ministry. Simple. It's because I feel like CCF is my family and you just don't give up on family. You just don't. So call me stubborn. I will admit that I have tried going to other ministries, but they never made me feel welcomed there. And that's a problem too.

Sensitive?

I've come to discover that I'm really sensitive about my hearing or lack thereof. I get it that it's funny sometimes when I don't hear that you insulted me, but it being the butt of every joke in my apartment because of it, well....it gets old. And fast. And I think that's why I stopped being at the apartment so much. And I hate being center of attention. I hate being picked on and made fun of. It was never something that I quite got over from that oh so lovely experience in middle school the day that I met Anna. It was something that Anna and I was working on before she died. And when she died, I didn't see the point of trying anymore. I really didn't and I still don't. I know it sounds childish and immature, but it still hurts my feelings sometimes and if I act like a drama queen, it's not that I'm trying to, but it's just because it stings. It makes me think that maybe my hearing is getting worse. But now is not the time for it now that i am not currently in school and without insurance. I don't have a job nor car. So I don't have the money to get my hearing tested. I don't know. I just makes me question....well...everything. My friendships and my relationships. I don't know. I just don't know.