The happiness never lasts

I've a bad day.

I really don't like Ryan the way I thought I had. Like something was missing and I felt so bad for leading him on like this. While I'm struggling with this, I'm having to deal with the beginning of school and the school work is going to coming regularly, all the while, I have yet to start job-hunting and I know I need to.
Today.
When I first woke up, the day wasn't going bad. Then I got out of bed. I took a shower and went to lunch with Ryan. Yes, Ryan came all the way out here to have lunch with me and see me, even if it was only an hour. Lunch was fun, it really was. But we went to Applebee's and the last time I was there was for my birthday dinner and Kayla was there. It was just too many memories. So on the way over, I'm praying that we don't sit where I have a view of the booth. When have I ever had good luck? Never. The hostess sits in a table near the booth so when I sit down, I can see the part of the booth where Kayla, Chelsea, Brittney, and I were. So we're sitting there, and I can literally see us there, laughing and having a good time. But Ryan and I were doing a pretty job keeping the conversation going, so I was distracted every know and then. But regardless, I wasn't all there. After lunch, he brought me back to the apartment and walked me up and into the apartment. Well, Sammy was sitting on the couch. And after a few minutes of Ryan and I standing there, I just turned to Ryan and told him that I had some things to do before class. Well, we hugged right there and he kissed me on the head. I have to give him points for that. He was pretty gutsy...and it made me feel even worse. I walked him out the door. After he left, I changed and got my stuff for class together and left. I managed to make it through my two classes and back to the apartment, uneventful. Well, several hours later, my roommates and I are all sitting there in the living room watching TV, when I get a text from Ryan. It said that it seemed like I wasn't' wanting to be there and wasn't all there and he wanted to know what was up. I asked Brittney what do I do and she said it was time. So I texted him back and I told him that I had my heart broken back in June and that I think that I rushed into another relationship too soon, before I was really ready too. He texted back and was like, "So you just want to be friends for now?" and I said yes. Then he texted back saying he was here if I ever wanted to go out and have fun. I texted him back saying that I was sorry and he didn't text me back after that. I figured he was a little upset, so I just let it go. So feeling pretty bad, I just decided to call it an early night. Well naturally I can't sleep, so I just print pictures for the frames. And I change my facebook status to "is officially a jerk." Well, while doing this, Brittney comes in and she wants the details on the whole breakup thing. So I tell her and she hangs out in my room for awhile. During this time, my aunt calls me. I don't know how my aunt does, but she has this uncanny ability to call me randomly when I'm having bad days. I may hate talking on the phone, but I'll talk to her on the phone all day if I could. She always, always, ALWAYS make me feel better, even when I'm feeling extremely low. While we're talking about random stuff, Ryan texts me. He goes, "hey your not a jerk. you told me the truth and respect that." And I texted him back and said, "that does make me feel better. I just think it's stupid when people break up with other people thru text." He texts back saying, "Alright, just know that I care and I hate to see you hurt" and I told him thanks. So my aunt makes me feel better about everything, Ryan makes me feel better about us.

Kayla said that after she graduated A-school, she would be home for two weeks before going to California. And she said that she was going to try to come see me during that time, that she really wanted to see me. At first, I was all for it. But after all this, I'm not so sure anymore.

Just letting it all out

I don’t want to hurt Ryan’s feelings, because I know he likes me and I do like him, just not in the way that I should and I hate that. I constantly feel like he’s a rebound and that it won’t last long. Next week, Ryan and I are going to the Braves game. I even tried to talk to Maritza about it and she was too busy to talk to me and I’m afraid to really talk it over with Angela. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because while going thru ALL of this, I’m trying to put aside these really strong feelings for Angela. And sometimes I feel like we flirt a lot and it kills me sometimes, because I want so bad to tell her but I know I can’t. And I don’t think I ever will tell her. I’m just so lost in trying to figure all this out while trying to fight the annual depression that comes with a new year that Anna isn’t here. Anna and I always had plans to move into an apartment, so I’ve never imagined myself being in an apartment without her. But, here I am, in an apartment with three of the greatest people I could hope for being my roommates and I sometimes feel like maybe I made a mistake, like I betrayed Anna by doing this. Maybe I should’ve just stayed living on campus and never got an apartment. Sometimes, I think I did this to challenge myself, and if that’s the case, I kinda hate myself for it, but I’m also proud of myself at the same time. Ya know? It’s stupid I know, but it’s true. I’m glad I pushed myself to do this though. I know deeply that this is what Anna would have wanted for me. She would have wanted me to move on, she would have wanted me to be closer to God, she would have wanted me to be doing things that she can’t do. I can’t figure out the reason yet and maybe I never will, but I know God left me here for a reason. He left me to accomplish something in this world. He had His plans for Anna and I’m so hoping that she fulfilled those plans. What I want to work on this year is several things. I want to be able to better stand up for myself. I am way too nice, and it’s screwed me over so many times, I’ve lost count, and I’m tired of it. I need to let people know that I’m here, and they don’t have to like it, but I am, and they just have to suck it up and deal with it. I want to work towards forgiving the person who was driving the car that killed Anna.