Just letting it all out

I don’t want to hurt Ryan’s feelings, because I know he likes me and I do like him, just not in the way that I should and I hate that. I constantly feel like he’s a rebound and that it won’t last long. Next week, Ryan and I are going to the Braves game. I even tried to talk to Maritza about it and she was too busy to talk to me and I’m afraid to really talk it over with Angela. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because while going thru ALL of this, I’m trying to put aside these really strong feelings for Angela. And sometimes I feel like we flirt a lot and it kills me sometimes, because I want so bad to tell her but I know I can’t. And I don’t think I ever will tell her. I’m just so lost in trying to figure all this out while trying to fight the annual depression that comes with a new year that Anna isn’t here. Anna and I always had plans to move into an apartment, so I’ve never imagined myself being in an apartment without her. But, here I am, in an apartment with three of the greatest people I could hope for being my roommates and I sometimes feel like maybe I made a mistake, like I betrayed Anna by doing this. Maybe I should’ve just stayed living on campus and never got an apartment. Sometimes, I think I did this to challenge myself, and if that’s the case, I kinda hate myself for it, but I’m also proud of myself at the same time. Ya know? It’s stupid I know, but it’s true. I’m glad I pushed myself to do this though. I know deeply that this is what Anna would have wanted for me. She would have wanted me to move on, she would have wanted me to be closer to God, she would have wanted me to be doing things that she can’t do. I can’t figure out the reason yet and maybe I never will, but I know God left me here for a reason. He left me to accomplish something in this world. He had His plans for Anna and I’m so hoping that she fulfilled those plans. What I want to work on this year is several things. I want to be able to better stand up for myself. I am way too nice, and it’s screwed me over so many times, I’ve lost count, and I’m tired of it. I need to let people know that I’m here, and they don’t have to like it, but I am, and they just have to suck it up and deal with it. I want to work towards forgiving the person who was driving the car that killed Anna.