June

I have one more week of being totally bored out of my mind. Starting June 11th (coincidentally also my mother and grandmother's birthday), I get to do this fabulous thing called Perspectives Camp. Yep, it's that time of the year! This will be my second year and I'm pretty excited and pretty nervous. Mostly nervous because Margaret is not around this time. She was deployed in March to Afghanistan for a year and someone whom I have never met, is leading it this year. This is also the first year we are doing guys along with the girls. Then after that on the 23rd, I will be heading to Florida for the week with the girls of Alix's family. I say all this because I have had a lot on my mind and I know that it is now or never to talk it out.

Today has been a good day and bad day. Good because Aimee is talking. For those who don't know, Aimee Copeland is a fellow Psychology student at University of West Georgia who got in a zip-lining accident in someone's backyard. She's developed the rare flesh eating bacteria. From what I remember, she's had one leg and both hands amputated. During this time, Aimee has had a machine helping her breath and she hasn't been able to really talk. Well today, Aimee talked. So to me, that means she doesn't have the ventilator breathing for her. It's been a sad day because a really good friend of mine's mom passed away after a long and hard fight. I'm grateful that her mom is finally at peace but I never like seeing my friends in pain. But all in all, it has given me quite a lot to think about. I'm sure I have said before that life is short. But I'm gonna say it again, because it is so true. 

I have not really lost friends but we've let our differences and stubbornness get in the way of our friendship. I'm the kind of person that just lets people go if they don't want to be a part of my life, but there are two friends that I can't seem to do just that. With one, we've been friends since I was in 2nd grade. Our parents are best friends. When I was in high school and she was still in middle school, I used to think the only reasons we were still friends was because our parents were. Then as I got close to graduating, we got closer again. I'm not really sure where it all went wrong from there, but I know I've made mistakes that I can't take back and there were things she didn't understand and I think she does now. But we haven't been able to sit down and talk every thing out. For once in our lives, we can't ignore the problem. There was one night that I thought that I was gonna get that chance and then a friend of hers came to the house and I'm polite. I'm not gonna leave him alone with both of our crazy families. And I'm pretty sure we would need a mediator eventually. All that said, I do value our friendship and I wish we could get back to at least being on the same page. But we're both stubborn and I feel that may not happen for awhile.

The other friend. We met at CCF one Thursday and we were instant friends. I don't know what drew us to one another but whatever it was, it was good. Because of her, I felt able to be myself around her. This was right around the time I was beginning to embrace my sexuality. She allowed to explore those feelings and be my support when I needed her. And eventually, she told that she thought she was gay too (which she was). Our friendship has been to hell and back and back to hell and back. I was there for her through a rough relationship, even if it strained ours and the same to her. We let two of our guy friends (now ex friends) drive us apart. And despite all that, we came back to being friends again. A part of me feels like I want to prove those two guys wrong and say you cant ruin us. But I really can't say what went wrong here. I feel a lack of communication on both of our parts. We both screwed up and neither wants to say sorry. Unfortunately, she lives an hour away now and while I'm in that town often, it's never long enough to pay a friendly visit. More often than not, it's a stop on the way to Lake Harding, or it's a babysitting job. 

I'm saying all this because while I do have friends, they really aren't the kind that I would invite over to  my house. Some I would go hang out with them but that's it. I found a lot of friends through CCF and I don't go there anymore because they are completely screwed up (another post for another time), especially since Adam is now gone. I think I want to set the goal of making new friends in the coming semester. I'm gonna have to try to sit away from my captioners and just talk to people. I know I'm shy when it comes to that kind of thing. But honestly, if I want to be a school counselor or even have my own practice, I'm gonna have to get over that sooner or later, and I would rather it be sooner. 

And as for those two guy friends, well....they can suck it. I don't miss them.