there are no words

to describe this feeling. But I can tell you this. Alix is the one.

God and Favors

One of my friends told me that she thought that God owed her a favor. Or several even. And it got me thinking....Does God really owe us anything? I mean, He sent His only Son to the cross to die for our sins. I mean, that's a HUGE sacrifice for anyone to do. That's not really something that we can pay back. There is no way that we could ever return that favor to God. I think that's like the ULTIMATE favor. We can continue to praise Him and love Him and spread the Word of His amazing Love, but that's a favor we can't fully ever return. His unending love is too great for us to even comprehend. I guess what I'm trying to say is that God doesn't really owe us favors. But He does bless us everyday. And He continues to do so, whether we praise Him for it or not. He continues to bless us with a new day every time we open our eyes. He continues to bless with the people who are in our lives, leading us on the right path. He just continues to bless everyday, whether we even deserve it our not.

What I want to know is your thoughts on this. So tell me, what do you think? Does God really owe any favors?

Blind Side

If you haven't seen the movie, you should. It's definitely worth the money to see it. I can promise you that. If you haven't, I promise that there won't be any spoilers.

This movie made think. I think once you see it, that's a given. But this movie was basically about reaching out and helping someone. This theme has seem to prominent in my life the last few weeks. It first started when I was flipping channels and I saw this homeless guy begging for money or even food. But of course, no one was paying attention to this guy. And like usual, I paid no attention, like them. Then, it was the story of the night at CCF. Then this past week, when I was watching an episode of In Plain Sight, Brandi, the main character's sister, actually helped an old man in need. He was old, worn, and spoke no English. But despite it all, she made sure that he got to a hospital and got the care he needed. She, in fact, saved his life. And then this movie.

Who knows what would have happened if Leigh Anne hadn't told Sean to turn around that night. We know that Michael probably would have died not too soon later. He wouldn't be playing football and he certainly wouldn't have gone to college. What would this world be like if everyone just started helping others? There are so many programs to help the homeless but would any of these volunteers be willing to take them into their own home if they were to need it? There is so much hate and violence in this world, that it's just not possible for us to do something like that. I'm not really sure where I am going with this really. But it's been something that's presented itself to me and it was on my mind. And the fact that it's a prominent theme in my life these last few days, I feel like God is trying to tell me something. But I can't figure it out. Like I'm pretty sure He wants me to help. But I am lost as to what or who He wants me to help. I feel like its' right there in my face and for some reason, I can't see the bigger picture.

the last two months

A lot has changed in the last two months. For starters, the person I was talking about in the previous blog is well back in our lives. The three of us have this unspoken agreement that IT never happened. And I am quite okay with that.

I am officially out. My parents know. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it wasn't all that great. Brittney and I were suppose to go to Blakely to see Chelsea and Kayla. Kayla was home for Labor Day Weekend. Brittney had to work Thursday and Friday, I went home Thursday with Brittney and sat at her house both Thursday and Friday while she worked. We were suppose to leave after she got off work on Friday. Well, sometime Friday, Britt and Chelsea get into it and well, long story short, we didn't go. Saturday morning, Joey and Brandon came from Carrollton and got me. Later at home, I was trying to explain why we didn't go without saying that basically Brittney and Chelsea broke up. But my mom finished my sentence for me saying that they broke up. So my mom knows about Brittney. Okay. Well, it's Sunday and my mom and brother get into it, and my brother leaves. My mom is out on the porch, upset as ever. So, I go out there and try to comfort. I pretty much sit there, listening to her rant. When she was done, she was like, "Well, since I'm crying, you want to out yourself?" So my mom has known. For how long, I don't know. But we had a long talk about it. I don't think she's happy about it but she accepts it for what it is. Then I went and told my Dad. And well, he didn't want to talk about it. He did say, however, that he hopes it's a phase. And who knows? Maybe it is. I really don't think so though. But more on that later. So yea, my parents know. So I'm pretty open about it now. I mean, I'm not like introducing myself that way, like, "Hi, I'm Keeley and I'm gay." But I'm not quiet about it anymore.

I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Alix. And I am absolutely crazy about her. We met through friends of ours and we clicked right away. We started dating October 28, 2009. And until this weekend, we haven't spent a day or night apart since before we've started dating. I know that if you've been reading these posts, you're probably wondering about Kayla. Well, I was talking with Brittney and we've come to realize that we didn't really love each other like we thought. We fell in love with the feeling of love, if that makes sense. It makes sense to us haha. But Kayla isn't who I thought she was and she wasn't the best thing or the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Kayla actually got mad at me for moving on so fast, even though she told me I needed to. I just think that she doesn't like the idea of me being with someone who makes me so much happier than she did. I mean people are actually noticing my change in attitude since Alix and I have started dating. I can honestly say that I really think that Kayla and I won't be talking to one another anytime soon. BACK TO ALIX. Alix is amazing. Like for real. We have so much in common, it kinda scares me. But at the same time, I like it. And with her, this ice wall that I have around my heart is starting to melt. That's what's crazy to me. Especially after all that I have been through with Kayla, I really wasn't expecting it to happen for awhile. She even knows about Anna already. She doesn't know the full story and she may not for awhile and that's okay. I'm trying to take it slow with her and just be patient. She is pretty much fresh out of a two year relationship with someone and I just have to say more power to her haha. Earl and I dated for a year and a half, and after I broke up with him for the final time, I wasn't ready to date for a good six months. Andrew doesn't count. But I really really like Alix. There aren't words to describe just how amazing she really is. And what she sees in me, I just don't know, but I don't want to question it. Brittney says we are amazing together. She says I'm not the easiest person to get to know and Alix seems to get me already, she understands me. And Brittney is right. I'm not easy to get to know. I wear my heart on my sleeve about some things. But when it comes to letting some one in and letting them get to know about me, I pretty much shut down. And I hate crying in front of people. Someone could probably shoot me in the foot (*knock on wood*) and I still wouldn't cry. Like I just can't. I'm not sure why I'm this way, I just know that I am.

My mom just had surgery on Thursday. She was diagnosed with stage 0 DCIS breast cancer. While stage 0 doesn't sound so bad, which it isn't, the cancer wasn't minor, just not as severe as it could be. It took me so long to process this information. It wasn't til the day before that it finally hit me. I really could lose my mom to this. And naturally I was with Alix when hit with this realization. She told me several times that I looked like I was going to cry. But I said I was fine. In actuality, I was so going to. But I couldn't in front of Alix. I should have went into the bathroom or something, but I didn't. Instead, we sat on the couch and I acted all weird. BUT anyways, my mom had the surgery on Thursday to get the cancer out and she did the reconstructive surgery while she was still under. She went in about 4 and was done around 9, 930. It was a good surgery and she came through like a trooper. Friday morning, she texted me and was like, "I'm ready to run around the block!" I went and saw her at the hospital after I finally got home from school. Oh and I bought her a stuffed elephant on the way home. Saturday afternoon, she woke me up from my bed. Turns out she had come home about 2 and a half hours before. She was telling me that I needed to get up haha. So it was another moment that I've come to cherish. My mom is a pretty strong woman and I love her to death.

FRUSTRATED

I'm not as okay with it like I thought I was. I wish Sammy could see that I am still on the same page with her on how we feel. I wish I wasnt so confused on the way I feel. I'm tired of being the good girl period. I want to be able to be loudmouthed and outgoing as I know I can be. But inhibitions won't let me do that. Have you ever felt anger collecting in your chest? Have you ever felt like if you didnt release it, you would blow up? I feel that way. That's why I want so bad to get to the batting cages. I know people make fun of me for wanting to but yall dont realize that it is the only way to release my anger without hurting anyone. I've done it before and I dont want it to happen again. I'm just so frsutrated...with myself, with Brittney, with Sammy, with the world, heck I dont even know anymore. I give up

Epiphany

I have kinda have had an epiphany. I say that I am so frustrated with not dating. But today I saw a video of a gorgeous cat named Rihanna. And I got to thinking how much I really like cats and there I was, imagining a cat on my lap, just us loving on each other. And I realized, I would be happy with just a cat. I don't have to date. Then I thought, "my heavens, I'm going to be the cat lady." But really it's this. I'm focusing so much attention on other people and being there for them and not really worrying about me. But the reason why I thought I was so ready to start dating again wasn't because I wanted to be dating. I want attention. I know that sounds bad, but it's so true. It's part of human nature to want some attention. I mean for those who know me, know that I hate being the center of attention. But honestly, I don't want much. I just to know someone will be there for me. There are so many things happening in my life, both good and bad and I really don't say much about it because no one asks. I am quiet and I am predictable. Heck, I'm Clark Kent. I don't want to be Clark Kent. I want to make mistakes. I want to do stupid things. I want to be wild. But it's so out of character for me, that even if I tried, I couldn't make stupid mistakes and be wild. I just couldn't. I think that's why I love leather jackets and boots so much. Because to me, that's as close as I am ever going to be to being wild and crazy.

The happiness never lasts

I've a bad day.

I really don't like Ryan the way I thought I had. Like something was missing and I felt so bad for leading him on like this. While I'm struggling with this, I'm having to deal with the beginning of school and the school work is going to coming regularly, all the while, I have yet to start job-hunting and I know I need to.
Today.
When I first woke up, the day wasn't going bad. Then I got out of bed. I took a shower and went to lunch with Ryan. Yes, Ryan came all the way out here to have lunch with me and see me, even if it was only an hour. Lunch was fun, it really was. But we went to Applebee's and the last time I was there was for my birthday dinner and Kayla was there. It was just too many memories. So on the way over, I'm praying that we don't sit where I have a view of the booth. When have I ever had good luck? Never. The hostess sits in a table near the booth so when I sit down, I can see the part of the booth where Kayla, Chelsea, Brittney, and I were. So we're sitting there, and I can literally see us there, laughing and having a good time. But Ryan and I were doing a pretty job keeping the conversation going, so I was distracted every know and then. But regardless, I wasn't all there. After lunch, he brought me back to the apartment and walked me up and into the apartment. Well, Sammy was sitting on the couch. And after a few minutes of Ryan and I standing there, I just turned to Ryan and told him that I had some things to do before class. Well, we hugged right there and he kissed me on the head. I have to give him points for that. He was pretty gutsy...and it made me feel even worse. I walked him out the door. After he left, I changed and got my stuff for class together and left. I managed to make it through my two classes and back to the apartment, uneventful. Well, several hours later, my roommates and I are all sitting there in the living room watching TV, when I get a text from Ryan. It said that it seemed like I wasn't' wanting to be there and wasn't all there and he wanted to know what was up. I asked Brittney what do I do and she said it was time. So I texted him back and I told him that I had my heart broken back in June and that I think that I rushed into another relationship too soon, before I was really ready too. He texted back and was like, "So you just want to be friends for now?" and I said yes. Then he texted back saying he was here if I ever wanted to go out and have fun. I texted him back saying that I was sorry and he didn't text me back after that. I figured he was a little upset, so I just let it go. So feeling pretty bad, I just decided to call it an early night. Well naturally I can't sleep, so I just print pictures for the frames. And I change my facebook status to "is officially a jerk." Well, while doing this, Brittney comes in and she wants the details on the whole breakup thing. So I tell her and she hangs out in my room for awhile. During this time, my aunt calls me. I don't know how my aunt does, but she has this uncanny ability to call me randomly when I'm having bad days. I may hate talking on the phone, but I'll talk to her on the phone all day if I could. She always, always, ALWAYS make me feel better, even when I'm feeling extremely low. While we're talking about random stuff, Ryan texts me. He goes, "hey your not a jerk. you told me the truth and respect that." And I texted him back and said, "that does make me feel better. I just think it's stupid when people break up with other people thru text." He texts back saying, "Alright, just know that I care and I hate to see you hurt" and I told him thanks. So my aunt makes me feel better about everything, Ryan makes me feel better about us.

Kayla said that after she graduated A-school, she would be home for two weeks before going to California. And she said that she was going to try to come see me during that time, that she really wanted to see me. At first, I was all for it. But after all this, I'm not so sure anymore.

Just letting it all out

I don’t want to hurt Ryan’s feelings, because I know he likes me and I do like him, just not in the way that I should and I hate that. I constantly feel like he’s a rebound and that it won’t last long. Next week, Ryan and I are going to the Braves game. I even tried to talk to Maritza about it and she was too busy to talk to me and I’m afraid to really talk it over with Angela. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because while going thru ALL of this, I’m trying to put aside these really strong feelings for Angela. And sometimes I feel like we flirt a lot and it kills me sometimes, because I want so bad to tell her but I know I can’t. And I don’t think I ever will tell her. I’m just so lost in trying to figure all this out while trying to fight the annual depression that comes with a new year that Anna isn’t here. Anna and I always had plans to move into an apartment, so I’ve never imagined myself being in an apartment without her. But, here I am, in an apartment with three of the greatest people I could hope for being my roommates and I sometimes feel like maybe I made a mistake, like I betrayed Anna by doing this. Maybe I should’ve just stayed living on campus and never got an apartment. Sometimes, I think I did this to challenge myself, and if that’s the case, I kinda hate myself for it, but I’m also proud of myself at the same time. Ya know? It’s stupid I know, but it’s true. I’m glad I pushed myself to do this though. I know deeply that this is what Anna would have wanted for me. She would have wanted me to move on, she would have wanted me to be closer to God, she would have wanted me to be doing things that she can’t do. I can’t figure out the reason yet and maybe I never will, but I know God left me here for a reason. He left me to accomplish something in this world. He had His plans for Anna and I’m so hoping that she fulfilled those plans. What I want to work on this year is several things. I want to be able to better stand up for myself. I am way too nice, and it’s screwed me over so many times, I’ve lost count, and I’m tired of it. I need to let people know that I’m here, and they don’t have to like it, but I am, and they just have to suck it up and deal with it. I want to work towards forgiving the person who was driving the car that killed Anna.

quick update

just saying that I'm still alive and still want to blog...I've been crazy busy. I'm currently in Birmingham, Alabama and I'm coming home tomorrow, so look for a real update in the next couple of days..til then, adios?

Something to think about....

What would have happened if I had given in to my desires? And I don't mean any desires that probably meant breaking the law. I mean simple desires, like wanting to tell someone how you felt about them, or kissing them just to see their reaction. What if I had kissed Angela when I realized I was falling for her, or Brooke for that matter? What if I had told Angela or Brooke how I felt about them? What if I were to tell my parents about me? About Kayla? Would I be where I am today? Would the people I'm closest to, be this close to me still? Would the people I don't connect with today were the ones I was closest to instead? Jason was talking about how baptism is about letting go of the past and letting go of the one huge sin that stands between me and God. Jason (before he knew everything) was asking me what that sin was and at the time, I honestly don't know. I didn't think it was me being bi, and I still don't think that now. I think I finally figured it out, but this is so much worse than anything that Jason has told me that other people have been through. I regret it so much that I didn't think before talking. I know that everything that we do has consequences, but I never imagined these consequences being so....severe. I pray so much, asking God to give me the courage to say something or for guidance to show me what to do. But I honestly still don't know what to do. I want to say something and yet I am so afraid of what my future has in store for me.

The New Picture

I changed my picture to this because it reminds me that no matter how crazy it may get in this world, there will always be a group of amazing people setting aside time in their busy schedules to help others. This picture is from my first ever DNOW with First Baptist Church of Powder Springs. This took up a whole weekend. I know it was getting really close to finals for all of us and when we could be studying, we are instead dedicating a whole weekend to God. What we are doing in this picture is praying over this car. We had spent the last two hours washing it inside and out. We giving this car to someone who had two kids and really needed a car, but couldn't afford to buy one. I know that it was the charity project of the weekend but it meant so much more than that to us and I think we all came away from it, impacted forever. I know it did me and I'm new to this, so I can only imagine the others felt. I feel so blessed that God put these girls into my life, if only for a weekend. And I still feel that way.

No Title...

again I'm not sure how to say what I want to say but I'm sure that as last time, it will flow out.

I've been thinking about a lot of different things, so I'll just go with what comes to mind first.

I realized that a couple of days ago that my brother and I are more alike than I thought. Yea, we fight all the time, but we are so alike. Brittney says that I'm always putting others for me. But sometimes, I think I let others take advantage of me. Sometimes I don't realize it but looking back, I do. And right now, it hasn't been destructive and yet it has been. Sometimes I get so emotionally involved that I don't think before I do. Like with Brooke. That one semester she was her, I was always spending time with her because I just wanted to be around her. But what I didn't do was spend the time I needed to be doing school work. I neglected school just to be with her. And because of that, I am where I am when it comes to school. And yea I know, I have no one to blame but myself. My brother is the same way. He lets his heart lead rather than his head. After the whole thing with Windy, he handled his emotions in a bad way. He went back to Heather. And long story short, Windy is talking about moving back here and Harper is thinking back with her. He knows that he handled the situation wrong and he's trying to correct those mistakes. But we all think it's a bad idea to get back with Windy. The girl needs to stand on her own two feet. She's never lived on her own and she really needs to.

I've been thinking about something that Jason said the last time we sat and talked. He said that he could sense from reading earlier posts that I wasn't....comfortable...being bi. And in a way he's right, I'm not. I'm one of those people who hates doing things half way and I feel like saying that I'm bi makes me seem like I'm an indecisive person, and I'm really not. I feel like that if people see me with a girl, they assume I'm gay, and if they see me with a guy, they assume I'm straight. No one ever assumes that someone is bi. I'm not sure why it bothers me, it just does. I wish people would see that we didn't chose this, it's just the way we are. And honestly, I'm embracing this. I'm not going to just settle with a guy because of what society says is wrong or right. What they think, doesn't affect me. I'm the kind of person who, if I'm doing something wrong, I feel guilty about it. But I don't feel guilt. I feel that this is right. Right for me. It makes me genuinely happy and that to me, is what matters most.

The last time I saw Kayla was May 9, the day before our one month. The last time I talked to her on the phone was Wednesday, May 13, 2009. Call me crazy for remembering these dates, I just do. Kayla got her date for Basic Training moved up and left on May 13th for two months. While there, you can't have your cell phone. And there's no emailing, etc. Just good old fashioned mail. So far, I've gotten two. Some things happened the last time that I went to go see her and I've got certain people telling me not to stay in a relationship with her just to be in one.

I think I'll finish this later. I probably should go to bed. I just wanted to let the world know that I hadn't forgot about the blogging world haha.

Getting better

So so so many things to say and no idea where to start, haha
But before I start, I wouldn't suggest that you ever eat Charleston Chews and and drink lemonade at the same time. While they are both good to eat and drink, they are no good together. I should know.

Anyways...
this week has been finals week. Which means alot of insanity because of finals and moving out, or moving in general. I just got done writing an insane 6 page research paper over a book that I absolutely hated with a passion. But nevertheless, I somehow trudged through and got it done. BUT I'm done for the year! Woohoo!! I have a team meeting for the Casas Por Cristo Mission trip that will be the last week of May. I haven't told Jason, but I've made one of the hardest decisions ever. I've decided not to go. If it were just all about me, I would still be going. I can handle being quarentined for a couple of weeks. But I found out that not only would I be quarentined, so would my parents and my brother. So they wouldn't be able to work. My brother has to work to take of himself and help support Dagen and my parents have to work if they want to keep that roof over my head. It's not just me in this situation. I have to take step back and realize that it's not just me involved. My dad called me yesterday (tuesday) and for the first time, physically said that he didn't want me to go. I was talking to my mom and she told me that he had been crying the night before because he didn't want me to go, but he knew how much this trip means to me. And it really does mean alot to me, it really does. This is something that I think I want to do for a long time to come and Mexico is a great place to start. But honestly, this flu has me freaked, like for real. I'm telling Jason tomorrow, but I'm not looking forward to doing it. People keep asking me what I am going to do about the money I've already put down and I keep saying that they (CCF missions team) about to get a generous donation from me.

Sorry this is so depressing! But I don't think it's gonna get any better from here

Kayla is leaving next week for Basic Training. Which means that I'm not going to be able to see her, text her, call her, nothing except snail mail, for two months. I'm sad about it but at the same time, I am so so so so so proud of Kayla for doing this. It's not something that many would do, but Kayla is doing it. My parents are going to come down here Friday morning and take everything home and then, Brittney and I are going to drive down there. My dad has tried to talk me out of it, which is where I almost told him about me and about Kayla and I, but I didn't. I was telling him that this would be the only trip I took to Blakely for the summer (which is the truth), and when he asked me why, I almost said, "cuz my girlfriend is going into basic training for two months and this will be the last time i see her for awhile." But I didn't. But I was so close that my lips were forming the words.

Brittney, Chelsea, and I watched Bride Wars tonight (for real this time). And the ending really got to me. I am so much like Kate Hudson's character, Olivia. I have to put this tough front up all the time and I have to be tough. I can't show my weakness (well I guess I show my weakness on here haha). But not only that, it made me think of Anna. This is a quote from the movie itself: Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along.
This is what made me think of Anna. I know that if Anna were here, she would totally be maid of honor and I would be hers, no matter who came into our lives. Now, it seems like I don't see the point of getting married without her, I just can't see it anymore, I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I still want to get married one day, but I have no clue who my maid of honor would be and that kind of sucks, I won't lie. God, I miss Anna so freaking much. There are days where I'm ready to give up, throw in the towel, and I can hear her voice telling me to just hold on. And it's like the clouds separate again and I can see clearly again. Anna did that when she was alive and she does it now. I know that I am so blessed that she came into my life. But like the characters Liv and Emma in the movie, that's me and Anna right there. Granted, we would never get married on the same day, but like Liv and Emma's personalities, that's me and Anna right there. It just amazes me. I'm so going to buy this movie haha

Brittney, Jill, Carli, Lisa, and I watched Bella sometime in the last week. And it was horrible, but that's not the point. There's a scene where they show a little girl getting hit by a car. And I'm sitting in the floor, and Brittney keeps looking at me. And I knew that she knew what I was thinking, Anna. But I was honestly fine. Like my heart was racing a little bit but that always happens when I think of Anna. But it made me realize that, yea, it's taking some (or alot in this case) of time to get through, but I am honestly so much better at handling my thoughts when it comes to Anna. Those who know the story know what they know. But after that inital moment of the parents walking in at the right time, I couldn't handle it, talking about Anna, even if it wasn't talking about the accident. It wasn't til this year that I really told any one about the accident. Brooke was the first one I told. Countless others know now, but the people I chose to tell, I told them because I trusted them to be there for me when I needed it. And granted I've been wrong about some of them, the ones that matter most of stuck by me, particularly Brittney and Sammy. I appreciate them and the friendship that we share more than most. Back to the Bella thing. Brittney kept looking at me, like I said, and I was fine. I wasn't wanting to run of the room crying, I didn't want to or need to cry right there, nothing. I am starting to be able to handle this as time goes on.

Holy moses, I wasn't expecting to write as much as I did. I guess I just let the words flow right out.

But yea, Anna has been on my mind lately, ALOT.

Rough week...

It's been a rough week all around. I'm still stressing about this paper that's due in two weeks and I am nowhere near halfway done with it. And I am pretty sure I will be suspended for summer semester because with my grades being what they are, they won't be A's and B's, even if I do well on the finals.


I'm going to go day by day of this week, but first a little background on this. Matt found out about me and Brittney and he talked to us about it. Later, we found out that Matt told Jason. So I know Jason knows. He just doesn't know that I know that he knows.


Sunday:

It's Sunday and I'm stressing to the max because the first rough draft of the paper was due the next day and I was no where near that. And I couldn't skip because I was so sure that if I missed one more class, then I would be withdrawn from the class, and I cannot have that, at all. Well, some things went down and I ended up in a car in the pouring pouring rain for sometime trying to comfort a friend. So it's about 2ish in the morning before I get into the study room to work on said paper. Well, Sammy and I kinda got into it through text and we were basically fighting. And long story short, I just wrote a new story that didn't make sense that was four pages long and sent it to my email (or so I thought...I found out on Wednesday that I had forgotten to attach it to the email). It's about 5 when I get back to my room. I had thought about going ahead and staying up all night, since I would have to get up at 830 anyways. Well, I lie down...and fell asleep....


Monday:

I wake up and look at my phone. I have three missed calls, all from Paige and several texts, again, all from Paige. My phone had been on silent so I missed all the calls. When I looked at the time, it was 1020. It was too late to high tail it to class, because class was almost over. I freaked out and on top of this, Kayla had called me and accidentally hung up on me and when she tried to call me back, I wouldn't answer. Paige had told me that my professor said to send her an email, so that's what I did. Then, I didn't feel like going to class for the rest of the day and so I didn't. I went to lunch with Brittney and texted Alyssa if I could get a ride to CCF because Jason and I were going to talk about the baptism. At two, Alyssa came and picked me up and took me to CCF. I got there and went in. And it started off well, I think. Then, the thing that started it all.....Jason was saying that baptism was like a burial of the old self along with the struggles and the sin of today, and then he asked me what was mine. If I was so against it, I would have said my struggles with bisexuality. But I honestly believe that God does not care that I am bi, I really do. And I know that I have other things that I struggle with, but I'm not really sure what. And I felt like Jason was trying to get me to say that about bisexuality and I was internally refusing to say it to him, just absolutely refusing to say it to him or to myself. I simply told Jason I wasn't quite comfortable with talking about it with him and he asked me who I was most comfortable talking to about it and I said, Brittney, Sammy, and Brooke BEFORE she left. Jason told me he wanted me to talk them before Thursday. Jason and I made a time to meet again before Thursday and I left. I needed to time to think and I needed to just walk so I told Alyssa I was walking back. I crossed the street and was walking past the CVS. I look ahead and see a semi-truck coming my way and I thought, "Dang....how easy would it be to just step out in front of it and just end it all?" Then ALL I could think of was Brittney, and only her...not my family, none of my other friends that I've grown up with, just Brittney, which I thought was weird. At this time, the semi-truck passed me. I stepped off the sidewalk towards CVS and texted Brittney. I told her to come get me before I did anything stupid. Brittney was immediately on her way and had Kayla call me so that I wouldn't do anything stupid and that she wouldn't get in a wreck trying to get there as fast as she can. And while I was mad at Brittney for having Kayla call me, I'm so glad she did, so glad. Brittney finally got there and took me back to campus and I told her what happened with Jason and that horrible thought. After sitting in the car for a few minutes, and I was done ranting, sort of, Brittney asked if I wanted to go to the creek and I said yes. So we went to the creek. There, Brittney made me pinky promise that I wouldn't do anything stupid while I was there. While Brittney called Chelsea, I went and sat down by the creek, kind of far from Brittney, so that all I could hear was the creek's running water. After a few minutes, Brittney came up and handed me her phone. It was Kayla on the phone. We talked for a few minutes and then I gave the phone back to Brittney. Long story short on this next part, Brittney and I ended up deciding to drive to Blakely right then and there. So we did. We got in the car, went back to the dorm, packed some things, and left. We had left about 530-6ish and we got there about 8-830-9ish. Brittney, Kayla, and I stayed the night at Chelsea's.Tuesday: We wake up and Brittney decides that she's not ready to leave and in all honesty, neither was I. So instead of leaving at 11 like planned, we decided 6-7. Kayla had to work at 6 and when she left, she wasn't going to be able to come back and hang out. So, again, long story short, it was the plan that I would hang out with Kayla all day, while Brittney and Chelsea did their thing. Kayla would come back, ONLY to drop me off. So I went ahead and packed my stuff and left with Kayla. First stop we make is to see her mom. I was so a nervous wreck, but I was trying to play it cool. It didn't help that Kayla kept asking if I was nervous. So we get there and everything seems to be going well. We leave and when we get to the store, her mom comes out and tells her to come back over there (the store was right next door). And so we walked over there. While I'm standing in the kitchen, Kayla and her mom are in the back room arguing. I couldn't hear anything. But I do hear her mom say, "Take her home and bring your ass back here." So Kayla took me back to Chelsea's house and kept apologizing for it. In the end, I found out that she lied to her mom where she was the previous night, and on top of that, she finally told her mom she was gay. And her mom knew this, but she wanted Kayla to tell her when she was ready to tell her, but apparently, she wasn't ready to hear it (what parent really is anyways?). Well we get back to Chelsea's and Kayla told Chelsea what happened. Then we said our goodbyes and Kayla left. Brittney and I went with Chelsea to meet her mom. Then we went to Bainbridge so Chelsea could do something there, then we got something to eat because we were all hungry. After that, we went back to the house and put the stuff in the car and left about 430. We made it back by 7-730ish. When we got back, I felt so out of it. Like I was standing still and the rest of the world was moving fast paced around me. And I hated that feeling, absolutely hated it. I went to the Lambda (last one of the year) and I didn’t really participate or talk much. I’m surprised that no one asked me what was wrong but then again, I’m not surprised. Afterwards, Brittney and I headed back and during this, Brooke texts me and asks me how my week was going. When I told her that I had better weeks, but it was all good now, she asked me what made it better, I said seeing my girlfriend. But she kept saying okay so finally I gave up on having an actual conversation. Brittney went to her room and I went to Late Night. It was good to be stressed free, even if it was a couple of hours.

Wednesday:
Wednesday seemed to be an okay day. Nothing to terribly horrible happened. Brittney and I rented Bolt and Fireproof. We watched Bolt and then tried to watch Lloyd on youtube but the movie wouldn’t load so we gave up on that real quick because the movie wouldn’t load. While all this is going on, Brooke randomly texted me and asked me why a girl (that’s not verbatim, just the basis of it). And when I told her my reasons, she just said okay. And I may not be close to Brooke as I used to be, but I still know that when she keeps saying okay, she really wants to say something, but she’s refraining from saying it. And it drove me crazy then and it still drives me crazy. So I finally texted her and told her that if she wanted to say something, just say it. And she finally did. I stopped responding after a while. I’ve come to realize that Brooke and I are never going to be the same ever again. We just aren’t close anymore, we just aren’t. And I hate that because I value our friendship still, I do, but I can’t just talk to her the way we used to and that sucks major. But it’s something that I’ve been dealing with for a long time.

Thursday:
Thursday is the day of all days. This is the day where I realize that Kayla isn’t going to be able to hang out partly because of what happened on Tuesday. So there’s no point in me sitting in a car for 3 hours just so Brittney can be with Chelsea. So I made plans to go home. My brother had texted me and told me that Dagen would be home for the weekend. I was in a class (not one of my classes, just in a class), when Chelsea texts me and tells me I need to watch my back. That she didn’t think Kayla was serious about this relationship. And on top of that, I’ve got Brittney telling me that she’s got a bad vibe from Kayla as well. I’m hearing all these things and I’ve got Kayla saying that she’s never felt this way about anyone before and that she loves and care about me a lot. So I naturally don’t know who to believe at this point. I’m torn between my loyalty to my best friend who has always had my back and the girl who claims that she cares and loves me. I didn’t know what the heck to think. After that class, Maritza and Angela sat outside with me and were trying to talk to me and trying to make me feel better. I was so on the verge of tears, you can ask Maritza or Angela. But I never cried cause I just can’t cry in front of people, I just can’t. Kayla was trying to call me and I wouldn’t answer the phone. I didn’t answer it because I didn’t know what to tell her and I was afraid that if I talked to her, I would start crying and I just didn’t want to cry. I texted her and she talked me through it as well as Maritza and Angela. I finally said screw it, I’m taking a chance. And I know that Brittney and Chelsea are just trying to keep from getting hurt, but maybe it’s time I got hurt again. What doesn’t kill only makes you stronger, right? I finally made it back to the dorm and changed for CCF. Brittney and I left and picked some people up. We got there late, but I honestly didn’t care, because I didn’t want to talk to Jason yet, or anyone really. The worship went great and the message was good except that Brittney, Erin Mathis, and I are so sure it was directed towards Britt and I. We felt like Matt kept looking at us during his speech. We hated that. I still hate it. I’m just trying to keep a grip on reality and sometimes it’s hard to. But Brittney and I are definitely at that paranoia stage, which is totally understandable. Afterwards, Britt and I left pretty much right away. We watched Fireproof in her kitchen (or tried to). We gave up after while when we were talking to Kayla and Chelsea on the phone. Then we went to bed.

I plan on updating for this week later, but I have to get to bed.

I am getting baptized

on April 23, 2009, after the last CCF we have. I am so excited. I obviously talked to Jason and he explained the whole thing to me, and did I mention I can't wait???? God has been so good to me and I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me!!

Sunday, when Chelsea and Kayla came up to visit us, was AMAZING! Kayla and I hit it off really well and we are still texting each other. We are even sending pictures to one another!! Still working on the calling thing haha. Kayla's accent is so thick that I can barely understand on her on the phone. :D They watched me play softball and we (CCF) had a good game even though we lost (I think). After that, we went to Applebee's for dinner and after that, Chelsea and Kayla dropped Brittney and I off and they left. We didn't want them to leave haha. After we got to the top of the steps, Britt and I turned around and watched them drive off. We so weren't ready for them to leave.
We had late night at CCF tonight, so here are my notes!!

1
It is easy to give up your material things, but it is hard to give your flesh and body fully over to God.
We are just stewards of our things and body. We are just 'borrowing' our bodies.
We are slaves to Christ because He made us, He owns us.
Redeemer-He is our owner, our creator, and we have sold ourselves to other worldly things, our desires, and Christ has bought us back to be His.
We are slaves to Christ, but we dont like the word 'slave' because we associate it with things like working for other people, bondage, injustice, oppression.
But we are free slaves. We are slaves to Christ but He gives us free will to do what we want to.
What you do or don't do, you are still doing something, even if that something is nothing.

2
We have to give up our wants, our desires, and truly worship God for all His worth.
Abraham's sacrifice of Isacc: Willingness to give up what he truly loved the most to show how much he loved God.
We are trying to understand God's will sufficently.
Thomas knew that it would turn out horrible and he still chose to follow Christ.

3
We have the freedom to make mistakes and still be able to come back and try again.
It's difficult to give full control to God.
Philippians 4:13-We can withstand trial, pain, mockery, suffering because God strengthens them.
We can't be healed til we have been broken.

I'm an idiot

Today I told Sammy that I was bi. And I have been worrying for nothing. She didn't care. She didn't care!! She said that I am too much of her best friend to let that come between us. It's more of a relief than I can put into words. I felt bad when she said that I must have not know her that well. But I like to think that I do know her quite well. But I guess I allowed this own guilt of keeping a secret like that from her for so long that I couldn't see that she would still love me anyways. You guys don't even know how relieved I am though. I can only hope that my parents take it as well. I plan on telling them, I just have to know that right moment to do it, ya know? I know I'm closer to telling them than I was back in October.

Heidi and I are talking again. She was talking about wanting to do a girls' day out, just me and her, and just catching up. I hope she means it, cuz I love Heidi. She is my best friend and my sister. I can't imagine losing her. Which is why I am so grateful that our parents are best friends, because without them, we wouldn't be best friends anymore and I know that. That's why I cherish every moment I can get with that girl.

I went to CCF tonight like I always do every Thursday. It was a good night. Here's some of my notes:
LIVING SACRIFICES
Acts 2:40-47
Romans 12:1-2
1. God is the Creator, Owner, and Designer of our bodies.
Genesis 1:26-27
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

2. We must become a living sacrifice.
Romans 12:1
How can we become a living sacrifice?
The Sacrifice of Isacc
Live life to the fullest through Him
True worship is laying all your mind, strength, body, and sould down at the altar of God and
living through Him
Do the best to your ability at giving God the glory

3. When God is fully in control of our lives then nothing is impossible.
Luke 1:37
Philippians 4:13

3 Prayers:
Break/ruin my heart O God
Heal me O God
Use me O God

And then Stephen said something that made me think....
he said that if we devote ten minutes a day to the Word of God and two hours to Facebook/Myspace/Twitter, etc., then we have a problem. We need to spend the time that we spend being on Facebook or whatever, reading the Word and learning more about our God and not who did what three days ago.

I have been thinking alot about getting baptized. I've wanted to do it awhile actually, because I want to reborn again in my passion for God and for Christ, but I never could figure out the right time to say anything to Jason. Well, that time came last Thursday. After the Shane & Shane Concert, Jason talked for a few minutes and then, he mentioned how a group of students were getting baptized in the next month. That's when I got goosebumps (and I was sweating). THAT was when I KNEW God was telling me that I was ready, that now is the time. So, because I didn't get a chance to talk to Jason after the concert, I emailed and I told him that exact same thing as the above. And we are gonna talk tomorrow more about it. I am pretty excited about it. I'm going to try and talk to my parents about it this weekend when I go home.

Well, I think that's all about I can write for now...Laterz

Gram

My grandmother is one of the most amazing people I ever knew. And I don't ever talk about her. And I wish I did, because she's that amazing. I tried writing a song for her after she died. It's an unfinished one, because every line didn't seem to be enough to express how amazing she is. Even the word 'amazing' is an understatement to just how wonderful she is. I like to think I get some of my artistic talent from her. She could take anything that we as a society see as ugly, horrendous, and disgusting, and turn it into a beautiful piece of art. She was that good. My favorite thing she had ever done was this horse head sculpture. I have a picture of it somewhere, but no photography skills of mine could show how awesome of a piece it is. It's currently sitting in Andrew's room and it's actually Ryan's, and he plans to put it back in his room soon. The last time I was at my aunt's, I stayed in Andrew's room and I can remember sitting there and just staring at it. I mean really staring at it. I noticed all the lines, the way she put it together, everything. And I felt at peace. I felt calm, like I was safe within myself. I like to think that I am like her in some ways as far as the artist in us goes. Like I said before, she can take ugly things and make them beautiful. People are always telling me that they never thought an ugly thing could look so good in a photograph, but it does. I am always trying to find an awesome shot. I am always imagining how a shot could look. Granted, I don’t get to try and capture a lot of them, but the ones that I do, turn out really well. Epiphany (well I actually had it earlier): What inspires me to take pictures and make the world around us more beautiful than it already is? Gram. It’s because of her that I know that there are really good people in this world. It’s because of her that I see the world the way that I do. It’s because of her that I was not and am not afraid to tell her anything.

Before Anna, she was my sole best friend. During Anna, she was my best friend. After Anna, she was my sole best friend. She is never judging anyone. She never cared about what her crazy grandchildren did, as long as we were happy. She loved us much much much more than Anna loved me. We could walk in the house with purple Mohawk, tattoos all over us, piercings in who-knows-what, and she would still love us just as much as if we walked into the house dressed in preppy clothes. I feel like she would be the only grandparent that I could tell that I am bi, and she would never judge me.

When Gram was in the hospital, we knew she was going to go soon, and I never saw her in the hospital. It’s not like I didn’t love her, I love her than anything in this world. I just thought that it would be better that I remembered her the way that I did, this strong, beautiful, and feisty woman. Not the sick looking one in the hospital bed. I never got to say goodbye and today, I would trade that for anything in this world. Just to be able to tell her that I love her and that I’ll miss her. I had four grandparents and one is still alive. I have yet been able to say goodbye to them. It kills me sometimes to know that. But I know that they still love me anyways. I know that they still want what is best for me, for all of their crazy kids and grandkids.

Gram was a crazy woman, but she was a very loved woman. The next time I saw her after she had gone into the hospital was at her funeral. She was laying in that casket as beautiful as ever. But I met so many people that day, including her best friend. I still wish sometimes that I had met her while Gram was still alive, but I still feel blessed to know her. She told me a lot of stories about the things that she and Gram did. Many of which I had already heard, but still loved hearing them again. The service was a beautiful one and I like to believe that Gram would most definitely agree.

I still feel her presence around me sometimes. I like to think that she and Anna are up there (for they never met in real life), telling stories and laughing, and being there for me when I so desperately need them. So I say this again, Gram was an amazing, crazy, beautiful, not judging, beautiful, wonderful woman.

Biloxi

I am starting to see how Jason gets behind on this haha
I am currently on spring break for the week and I am in Biloxi, back at Lemoyne Boulevard Baptist Church, doing more work. I really enjoyed it during winter break and plus Sammy didn't want to be the only girl in the group. The first day, Monday, we got here, it was about 6ish and so we went to the beach, where Justin broke his toe. He didn't get it checked out til today though. Yesterday, Tuesday, we went around cleaning up houses for the nexct group to come in and build on the house. Then about 4, we got done, showered, went to walmart, and then went to the beach for a picnic and to watch the sunset! It was pretty cool. I must have taken over 230 pictures yesterday alone. Today, Sammy and I stayed at the church and popped pills. The church helps sponsor this free clinic and they get all their meds from pharmecuetical companies and they are in like sample form, and they need it in well, not sample form. So they need people to pop them out of their little packages. That's where the whole pill-popping thing comes from haha. And Sammy and I did it all day. Ty helped us in the morning before lunch and Justin helped us in the afternoon. Needless to say, my thumbs HURT!
My shoulders also hurt from the wood we were carrying back and forth and im pretty sure i'll be getting a fiberglass zit on my arm from the insulation, but it's all good.
I've been thinking of talking to Alan and seeing if it's at all possible to maybe stay here for a semester. I've been thinking of taking a semester off, and rather laying around doing nothing, I could be here, making a difference, and the church could help my find a paying job while i am here. I don't know, it's just something that's been on my mind alot. There's alot on my mind these days haha but I am just trying to focus on getting off academic probation for this semester.

So many thoughts going around in my brain and no way to really sort it out.
Story of my life.

I'll try to update more, and I'll try to keep ya'll updated on the whole Summer in Biloxi possibility...

Life goals

So I'm sitting here and I can't sleep. I decided to go through some old documents on my computer. Lo and behold! I found my life goals that I wrote when I was either a Junior or Senior. It says something about wanting to read the Bible so I know it wouldn't be from my Freshman or Sophomore year of high school! Most of these haven't even changed, in fact, none of them have changed! :) It's in here just I had written it!If I have, in fact, done it, I'll say so and add commentary if I feel it is necessary. :D Enjoy

1. Skydive
2. Go to Ireland
3. Do at least two mission trips
(I have completed one and am planning to go to Mexico on another one)
4. Publish a book that’s either poetry or an actual story
5. Visit London
6. Learn to surf
7. Kiss in the pouring rain
8. Backpack across Europe
9. Spend the night on the beach
10. Have a bonfire with as many friends possible
(that actually happened on the CCF Fall Retreat 2008!)
11. Get mentioned in some newspaper, I don’t even care if it’s my college’s paper!
(I am currently Writer of the Week, or was by the time this gets read, in the West Georgian)
12. Take a road trip across the U.S. and I have to visit every state
13. Lay in a field and just watch the clouds go by
14. Take a clear picture of Orion
(I am close to achieving this, I have the equipment, the weather won't cooperate with me!)
15. Publish a photography project
(I have several ideas for a project, like I said before, I have the equipment, I just have no time!)16. See the fireworks in San Antonio
(Did that summer 2005 with my youth group at the ELCA Youth Gathering)
17. Read the entire Bible
(I have currently read the entire book of Matthew, Job, and Isaiah, but I would like to read them in order!)
18. Impact someone’s life, even if it’s only one person
(I've been told check this off several times :])
19. Forgive someone whom I know needs it, I just cannot bring myself to do it
20. To be told that I give awesome hugs!
(Since the beginning of last semester, I've been told this a few times!)
21. Get a tattoo of a bible verse
(CHECK! It's on my right leg, right above my ankle, and it says 'Matthew 6:34')
22. Drive by a Fraternity house and just blare Christian music ( I would love to see their reaction!!)
(I actually did this! Can you believe it??? Needless to say, they weren't happy with me and my friend trying blare christian music over theirs. Oh well haha)
23. Hit a home run
24. Own a vintage Mustang

This is a story that I wrote for Jennifer Robinson, just out of the blue one day. I planned on giving her the story first so that she could read before anyone else, cuz after all, it's her story, before putting it up here. And I've done just that! Jenn enjoyed the story and I hope you do too!

There once was a girl named Jennifer Robinson. She was from a far away land called Aloasia. She was, of course, the prettiest girl in the entire kingdom. But, you see, she has never had a lover, because she had a curse on her. Whenever a man would come within 5 feet of her, they would become violently ill. Jennifer liked to take walks through the town, so men had to be on the lookout for her so they wouldn’t get sick. Jennifer was getting older and was soon to take the throne, if she could find a man to marry. But because of the curse, no man would dare go near her.

One day, while Jennifer was just dancing, singing, and picking flowers for her parents out in the meadows that were just outside the city limits, a man suddenly approached her. Jennifer was stunned that the man was not getting sick as he came up to her, nor did she recognize him. Jennifer could have sworn that she knew all the subjects of the kingdom. He was such a gorgeous looking man, that she thought that it was too good to be true. He had beautiful brown hair, a great accent, and blue eyes that seemed to go on forever.

Jennifer began to get lost in her thoughts. “Excuse me. Excuse me Miss.” he repeated himself several times to get her attention. Jennifer snapped back to reality, “Oh! I’m so sorry! How can I help you?” “I am trying to find my way to Aloasia. Do you, perchance,know where it is?” the man asked. Jennifer gasped, “Yes, I do!” Jennifer had to calm herself before she could continue, “I am Jennifer Robinson, Princess of Aloasia. Where are you trying to go?” “Oh,” he breathed a sigh of relief, “I am trying to find the Good Shepherd Church of God. I have heard that they hold services there every Sunday and I wanted to go today. My name is Luke, by the way, Luke Damon. And I am from Krenasia, about 300 miles from here.” “Luke.” Jennifer said to herself. Now she knew why she didn’t recognize him. “Let me show you the way! My mother and father will be thrilled to have a newcomer.” Jennifer told him, as she started walking. Luke followed behind her, “Thank you so much. I have my own church back in Krenasia that I attend every Sunday, and have done so for all of my life. But for some reason, all of the sudden, I felt that God was calling me here. And at first, I didn’t think anything of it. But as the days went on, the call to come here was just too strong to ignore Him any longer and so here I am.” “Well, I am certainly glad that you are here.” Jennifer told him. Luke smiled, “You know, forgive me for being so blunt, but you are a very pretty girl. Surely you must have a lover.” “No,” Jennifer said, sadly, “You see, I have this curse. Whenever a man dares to come within five feet of me, they are suddenly ill. “Well, I feel great!” Luke assured her. “Well I guess that you are certainly different from all the rest!” Jennifer said.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, “What do you think about life?” Jennifer inquired. Luke answered, “I believe that life is too short to be serious one hundred percent of the time. You have take chances.” “Really?” Jennifer asked. “Yea, I mean, that’s what makes life so exciting.” he answered. “And music?” she asked. “Life wouldn’t be life. Music is a part of the soul. You cannot have one with out the other. Is there a reason for all these questions?” he asked, chuckling. “No…” Jennifer said, half-heartedly and smiling, and kept walking without looking back.

They arrived at the church. They walked up the stairs and as they were about enter the church; Luke grabbed her arm and pulled her back. “What are yo—?” Jennifer started to say, but Luke interrupted her, “I want to ask you something.” Jennifer was a little bit confused and could see her parents walking up. Luke took both of her hands into his and started to talk, “I think that it is fate that we met. I have never attended another church my whole life. God called me here for a reason. I think you are very beautiful. I don’t think it is just a coincidence that I just happen to not get sick around you as all other men have. I know we just met, but life is too short to not take a chance.” At this point, Luke started to go down on one knee. “What are you doing?” Jennifer asked, already knowing the answer. “With God and your parents as my witnesses, I ask you this now. Will you, Jennifer Robinson, marry me, Luke Damon?” he asked, looking up at her. He was hoping that even though they had just met, that she would say yes. As stunned as she and her parents were, she said yes before she could even think it. “Yes, Luke Damon, I will marry you!” Luke got up and threw his arms around her waist and she threw hers around his neck and they kissed.

Three months later, they were happily married. They succeeded Jennifer’s parents as Luke and Jennifer Damon, King and Queen of Aloasia. And most importantly….


they lived happily ever after.



THE END

Don't quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must-but don't you quit.

Life is queer with it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failures turn about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow-
You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
it seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And when he learned too late,
when thenight slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out-
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt-
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick the fight when you're hardest hit-
It when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

brought to you by me, courtesy of Scandecor, Inc.
I.e. as awesome as this is...I didn't write it.

Murphy's Law

Murphy was an optimist.....

No good dead goes unpunished.
Leak proof seals-will.
Self starters-will not.
Interchangeable parts-will not.
There is always one more bug.
Nature is a mother.
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!
90% of everything is crud.
If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
Where you stand on an issue, depends on where you sit.
Never eat prunes when you're famished.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
You will always find something in the last place you look.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
No matter how long or hard you've shopped for an item after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
No one's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
The other line always moves faster.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought.
If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.
A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10 cent fuse by blowing first.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
Everybody should believe in something-I believe I'll have another drink.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will use.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will never work.
In any heirarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is 2 doors away. The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
It is morally wrong to to allow suckers to keep their money.
A bird in one hand is safer than the one overhead.
Murphy's Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.
Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of oncoming traffic.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes to the bones.
To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. (Freudian psychology)
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
If everything seems to be going well, you obivously don't know what the heck is going on.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Never argue with a fool; People might not know the difference.

This was brought to you by me, courtesy of McGuire's Irish Pub of Destin, Florida. :D

I think about it all the time. I can think of a million ways to do it. I can think of all the problems that it would solve for me. I don't even care about anyone else anymore. I'm tired of putting people before me. It's time for me to do whatever the heck I want and not worry about others. PERIOD. I don't want to even do anything anymore. I just want to sleep. I care nothing about softball, photography, writing, and CCF anymore. I have lost interest in everything I used to love. I want to do nothing but sleep. Nobody even reads this. So why should anyone care about how I feel? They don't so, why should I care about this stupid life?

Last few days

I know I've been neglecting this but I've been doing school work alot. I've been going through a lot and honestly, I don't even want Saturday to happen. If we could just go from Friday, skip Saturday, and go straight to Sunday, I would be more than happy to go along with that. I have never ever in my life, hated Valentine's Day the way I do right. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I even hate it with 12,345,678,910,504,956,438,759,834,596,324,657,289,364,573,459,817,439 times more than a hating something with a fiery passion of a thousand suns.
I just really hate it.
Guys are stupid.
and FYI, there is NOT ALWAYS a weak link in a group of girls!

Not sure why I bother being myself. Myself doesn't seem to be good enough for anyone. Everyone say that they love me, but I know it's only as a sister or friend. That it will be nothing more than that, ever. And it's ANNOYING.

Katherine and Jennifer and Eagle Eye

That about sums it up.
Thursday night after CCF, I finally decided that I was going to James's (Katherine's Dad) funeral. Even if I didn't know him, I know that he meant the world to Katherine and that was enough for me. I spent about an hour and a half to get ahold of ANYONE who was going. Finally I got ahold of Adam.
Friday morning I got up about 830-9 and got dressed. Adam picked me up at about 940. At about 1015, Adam, Gina, Stephanie, Sarah, Laura, Blake, and I left in the van. Jason, Matt, and Blake M. left a few minutes after us in Katherine's car and how they got there before we did is still a mystery to me. But we got there safely and that's all that matters. The service was good. I was tearing up a little bit until Katherine got up and talked and then I lost it. Of course. It was a humbling experience in that I did not know this man, but I knew that he was well-loved and just an amazing man.
Two things happened though that I haven't really been able to stop thinking about....
Brooke was there. And I froze. When she was going through giving hugs to all those of us that just arrived, I froze. As mad as I was, and as much as I wanted to walk away from her, I couldn't. How stupid is that? When she did hug me, it took me everything I had to put my arms around her and say hey.
Two, during the service, after all the family and friends had told their story and before the Reverend spoke again, one man in the back stood up and said that he wanted to say something. He said that he's been suicidal three times. And through each time, James had helped him through. And he urged us that if we were ever feeling that low, if we ever got to that point of despair, he urged us to talk to someone. It brought up a lot of feelings all at once. And at the time, I wasn't sure how to handle that. But now that I've sorted through it all, I've realized that it's still a a touchy subject for me, having tried once to end it all. I mean who do I have to go to when I'm feeling that low? My one person is gone. I don't know, it really is a lot to re-sort through all at once. It's hard doing it on my own because I don't know who else has gone through this.

Friday night, it was Brittney, Alyssa, Sammy, Joey, and I were watching Grey's Anatomy, when Sammy got a call from Jennifer. Her grandmother had been put into hospice and wasn't going to have much longer to live. Jenn was torn up over it and she just needed someone there. So Joey, who didn't know Jenn, left, and Alyssa, Sammy, Brittney, and I drove to Cobb Hospital. The last place I wanted to be, but I had to get pass that for Jenn. Jenn needed us, and I wasn't screwing it up this time. We got there a little after midnight. By this point, Sammy had called several others, and even though it was late, they decided to come. I can't remember who all came, but I do know that it was getting crowded in the room. So after they got there, Sammy, Alyssa, Brittney, and I left for home. That was a little after 1. So we didn't get back to Carrollton til a little after 2 in the morning.

I know most people would complain about being up for almost 24 hours, but I couldn't. I was there in support of two friends who mean the world to me, who needed support. And I know that those two would do the same for me if I had been in their position. And I am more than 100 percent grateful for them.

Then there's today. Uneventful. I woke up about 1, went over to Brittney's and watched the rest of Grey's Anatomy Season one. After that, I came back to my room and worked on homework for a little while. After two or three hours, I went back over to Brittney's and did more homework and Brittney made spaghetti, which was good. Then Lisa came up with Eagle Eye and we watched it. We spent like 20 minutes at one point looking for Matt Blair and Jason Collett, but we couldn't find them. And now I'm here typing, when I really should be in bed.
But I can't sleep.
That's a shocker.

I was at lunch today and the conversation took the course of talking about a situation of some of our friends. They just had a baby together and they haven't gotten married yet, but they are engaged to do so. We were talking about whether or not that they should married or not. We were also debating over whether or not they truly loved each other. But that's not what this is about. As the conversation was going, I was hearing things that makes me realize one thing and one thing only: I am lucky. I am lucky that my parents are still happily married to one another. I'm lucky that I have a strong relationship with them. I'm lucky that my family isn't separated in two different houses. I'm lucky that we love each other with unconditional love. And while I admit that it could be better, I'm lucky that my brother and I have a relationship with each other. And with the death of Katherine's dad, I am ever more grateful for my family.

I'm still trying to understand a lot of things surrounding the death of Katherine's dad. I still can not fathom why he died, why the doctors released him, why anything. My heart continues to break for her and her family, and I can't continue to think about it without crying.

Katherine Lord

When I wrote my last blog, the man whom Katherine called her rock, was alive. As I write this one, I am sadden to say that this same man is not. I don't know all the details, what I do know is that Katherine and I have gotten to know one another really well in the last couple of months. And she praised him in every way she could. It showed that her dad was her rock. I have never met Katherine's dad, but I know he's an amazing person just by who Katherine is today. My heart breaks for Katherine because I don't ever want any of my friends to be in that much pain. I cried when I heard the news. I was walking towards the University Campus Center and when a friend of mine texted me and told me the news, my knees literally gave out. My friend who was with me had to catch me to keep me from breaking my knees. I can't say I know exactly what she's going through, but I know I do to an extent. I am lucky to say that I still have my father.
Today didn't start as a good day anyways. I was late to class, my professor was 20 minutes late, people were getting in my way, and I was getting agitated very easily. I thought I was on top of the world when I was told that I was going to be Writer of the Week in the West Georgian, but I was oh so very horribly wrong. And I'm not saying that to be selfish, I'm just saying that last week, this was a HUGE deal to me. And now it seems like it's nothing compared to this. And it really is no big thing anymore. I know I always say that everything happens for a reason, but I'm trying really to understand God's reason for this. Katherine is only 20something. She JUST graduated from college this past summer. If there was anytime that she is going to really need her dad and family, it's now. My heart really does break for Katherine because I know that pain of losing someone so close to me. And I hate that she has to go through at so young an age. If you read this, I ask that you please please PLEASE keep Katherine Lord and her family in your prayers, especially Katherine's mom.
I feel like anything else I say that is not related to this is insignificant, so I will save that for another blog.
Katherine, if you are reading this, I love you more than you could know. I am praying for you and your family.

Nobody's perfect

What brings this up you ask? I haven't a clue. When I woke up today, I knew it was going to be an interesting day. And yet it was uneventful til I got back to my dorm and was taking quick nap before going out for a friend's birthday...and the fire alarm went off. How lovely is was to be awaken by strobe lights and a HORRIBLE blaring sound this school calls an alarm.Then I went over next door and got ready to go out. And I thought, 'Every day brings me closer to being 20. I won't be a teenager EVER again.' And for some reason, that scares me to no end. I've realized that I do NOT enjoy the concept of getting older. If I could stay 19 the rest of my life like Bella, I would be all over that. What about 21? I don't drink nor do I ever care to. Let's face it, I don't want to grow up. I want to find me a vampire who will turn me into one, so I'll always be 19. BUT chances are, if I haven't found one in the last 19 years, I'll probably won't in the next 78 days. Oh yes, I don't want to turn 20 but I'm counting down to it.
I wish I had my person here. They would help me a lot!

When I first started doing this several days ago, I was weary about being so open. I was also weary of linking the site from Facebook where many of my friends on Facebook don't know that I am bi. But as I've said before, if they can't love me for who I am, then they were never really my friend. I feel a lot more at ease with having the link on my Facebook.

I am, unlike Jason, is trying to stay updated with this. :)
Writing what I wrote in the last two posts, well it was just what I needed. I felt a sense of relief after finally having got it out in the open. Now all that is left, is the for the people that read this to judge me or love me even after all that. Today was a better day. I got to hang out with my nephew more than twice this weekend. Seeing as how I won't get to see him soon as often as I'd like, every second I can get with him, is precious to me. And I'm certainly cherishing every second.
I've accepted the fact that I am bi. It's just matter of trying to myself to believe that I won't go to Hell for it.
That's for this post.

It hurts

Maybe I'm crazy but I really feel like I have to get this off my chest. It's been bothering me for several weeks now.
I fell hard for someone in less than a semester (4 months). I don't know if Brooke ever felt the same way about me, but I never cared. I was happy whenever I was around Brooke. Brooke and I talked about everything about how we were feeling. So when Brooke talked about leaving, not knowing what they wanted to do, I shut down. I knew Brooke well enough at this point that I knew that Brooke was leaving, so I shut down. I stopped hanging out with Brooke so much, because I was preparing myself for Brooke to leave. I mean, wouldn't you? Naturally Brooke noticed that change and finally unleashed it all one night. I believe everything has gone downhill since then.
Then came this semester. And lo and behold, Brooke left. But what hurts the most was that Brooke didn't tell me. She just up and left. I mean the last conversation was about paint. I mean really?? It hurt to have to find out the way I finally did.
We never actually dated, but one of the few people who know how crazy I was for Brooke, they said it was like I was suffering a bad breakup. Keep in mind, that I have never been dumped. If this is what it feels like, this feeling sucks.

trying

to do what I'm not sure. I've never been too comfortable pouring my heart out to complete unknown strangers. I promise this makes sense. Maybe only to me, but it does. You see, I'm trying to figure myself out. It's come to my attention several years ago, that I'm...well...different. I guess, like they all say, I've always known but it's only here lately that I finally question. Yes, I know it's a sin, but God loves the sinner, that's me, and not the sin. I've tried to be something I'm not, and others may be happy with that, but I am not. My parents still don't even know. I watched Prayers for Bobby with my parents and somehow the question came up. What would they say if I told them I was gay? Both answers surprised me. Mom said that she would love me no matter what. My dad said that he wouldn't be happy, but he would still love me and just wants me to be happy. Should I be relieved to hear this? Yes and no. We always say that we will react one way or say one thing, and when it actually happens, they react completely opposite or say something that contradicts what they said before. Would it 'sweeten the deal' if I said I was bi? I mean I still like guys, so I would still have a chance at an easy life. But my heart wants what it wants. I can't help it. This is who I am. This is what I am. If I should lose my friends because of it, then they weren't really my friends. If I should lose respect from others because of it, then so be it.
Yes, I know what the Bible says. But you have to remember that whatever version you're reading is that of the interpreted version of mortal men, it's interpreted to be in their times. Yes, they said that those of the same sex who laid together would punishable by death. Well, it said the same thing for an adulterer and a child who disobeys their parents. Are you going to kill your child just because they disobeyed you? No. I believe that God loves me no matter what.
I don't believe this to be genetic, but I also don't believe that this is because of the way I was raised.

If you're reading this because of the link I posted onto my Facebook, I'm tired of hiding. This is who I am, and if you can't accept me and love me for me, then I guess we were never really friends.
To others who happen across this, yes I am really this crazy sometimes. But aren't we are all sometimes?