Getting better

So so so many things to say and no idea where to start, haha
But before I start, I wouldn't suggest that you ever eat Charleston Chews and and drink lemonade at the same time. While they are both good to eat and drink, they are no good together. I should know.

Anyways...
this week has been finals week. Which means alot of insanity because of finals and moving out, or moving in general. I just got done writing an insane 6 page research paper over a book that I absolutely hated with a passion. But nevertheless, I somehow trudged through and got it done. BUT I'm done for the year! Woohoo!! I have a team meeting for the Casas Por Cristo Mission trip that will be the last week of May. I haven't told Jason, but I've made one of the hardest decisions ever. I've decided not to go. If it were just all about me, I would still be going. I can handle being quarentined for a couple of weeks. But I found out that not only would I be quarentined, so would my parents and my brother. So they wouldn't be able to work. My brother has to work to take of himself and help support Dagen and my parents have to work if they want to keep that roof over my head. It's not just me in this situation. I have to take step back and realize that it's not just me involved. My dad called me yesterday (tuesday) and for the first time, physically said that he didn't want me to go. I was talking to my mom and she told me that he had been crying the night before because he didn't want me to go, but he knew how much this trip means to me. And it really does mean alot to me, it really does. This is something that I think I want to do for a long time to come and Mexico is a great place to start. But honestly, this flu has me freaked, like for real. I'm telling Jason tomorrow, but I'm not looking forward to doing it. People keep asking me what I am going to do about the money I've already put down and I keep saying that they (CCF missions team) about to get a generous donation from me.

Sorry this is so depressing! But I don't think it's gonna get any better from here

Kayla is leaving next week for Basic Training. Which means that I'm not going to be able to see her, text her, call her, nothing except snail mail, for two months. I'm sad about it but at the same time, I am so so so so so proud of Kayla for doing this. It's not something that many would do, but Kayla is doing it. My parents are going to come down here Friday morning and take everything home and then, Brittney and I are going to drive down there. My dad has tried to talk me out of it, which is where I almost told him about me and about Kayla and I, but I didn't. I was telling him that this would be the only trip I took to Blakely for the summer (which is the truth), and when he asked me why, I almost said, "cuz my girlfriend is going into basic training for two months and this will be the last time i see her for awhile." But I didn't. But I was so close that my lips were forming the words.

Brittney, Chelsea, and I watched Bride Wars tonight (for real this time). And the ending really got to me. I am so much like Kate Hudson's character, Olivia. I have to put this tough front up all the time and I have to be tough. I can't show my weakness (well I guess I show my weakness on here haha). But not only that, it made me think of Anna. This is a quote from the movie itself: Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along.
This is what made me think of Anna. I know that if Anna were here, she would totally be maid of honor and I would be hers, no matter who came into our lives. Now, it seems like I don't see the point of getting married without her, I just can't see it anymore, I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I still want to get married one day, but I have no clue who my maid of honor would be and that kind of sucks, I won't lie. God, I miss Anna so freaking much. There are days where I'm ready to give up, throw in the towel, and I can hear her voice telling me to just hold on. And it's like the clouds separate again and I can see clearly again. Anna did that when she was alive and she does it now. I know that I am so blessed that she came into my life. But like the characters Liv and Emma in the movie, that's me and Anna right there. Granted, we would never get married on the same day, but like Liv and Emma's personalities, that's me and Anna right there. It just amazes me. I'm so going to buy this movie haha

Brittney, Jill, Carli, Lisa, and I watched Bella sometime in the last week. And it was horrible, but that's not the point. There's a scene where they show a little girl getting hit by a car. And I'm sitting in the floor, and Brittney keeps looking at me. And I knew that she knew what I was thinking, Anna. But I was honestly fine. Like my heart was racing a little bit but that always happens when I think of Anna. But it made me realize that, yea, it's taking some (or alot in this case) of time to get through, but I am honestly so much better at handling my thoughts when it comes to Anna. Those who know the story know what they know. But after that inital moment of the parents walking in at the right time, I couldn't handle it, talking about Anna, even if it wasn't talking about the accident. It wasn't til this year that I really told any one about the accident. Brooke was the first one I told. Countless others know now, but the people I chose to tell, I told them because I trusted them to be there for me when I needed it. And granted I've been wrong about some of them, the ones that matter most of stuck by me, particularly Brittney and Sammy. I appreciate them and the friendship that we share more than most. Back to the Bella thing. Brittney kept looking at me, like I said, and I was fine. I wasn't wanting to run of the room crying, I didn't want to or need to cry right there, nothing. I am starting to be able to handle this as time goes on.

Holy moses, I wasn't expecting to write as much as I did. I guess I just let the words flow right out.

But yea, Anna has been on my mind lately, ALOT.