Being Gay Isn't A Choice

I hear it all the time, "Why do you choose to be gay?"
Well, I don't choose to be gay anymore than I don't choose to have a hearing impairment. If I had a choice, I wouldn't choose this. I wouldn't chose to be put through so much hate and trouble.

"Then, why not stay in the closeted?"
Because of several reasons. I chose to be happy and live my life to the fullest. I could be 'straight and be unhappy' or I could be who I really am and be happy. Plus, if I were to stay closeted, it wouldn't be fair to the other person. If that person doesn't make me happy, why would I waste both of our times. And same thing goes for the hearing impairment. I could ignore it and not wear a hearing aid and be absolutely miserable OR I could just accept it (as I have) and be completely.

And I don't even like labels really. I love who I love. The gender of that person doesn't matter as long as that person makes you happy. And Alix does that for me. I know that I had said before that I couldn't imagine my life without Kayla, but honestly? I said that because that's what people (and she) wanted to hear. This world is crazy. No one wants to hear how great you are doing after a bad breakup. No, they want to hear that you are suffering because it makes them feel better about themselves. We are all guilty of it. But hasn't anyone ever noticed that I only said that after I broke up with her. Yea, that's right. I broke up with her. I always said that she broke up with me, because it would seem more logical for her to break up with me than for me to break up with her. But no one ever read the letters she sent after I told her I was done. BUT that's not the point. The point is is that I only said that after I broke up with her. Never while we were dating.

But here's the thing. Life without Alix....it's not possible. It just isn't. I truly do love her and I truly do want to spend the rest of my life with her and I want to wake up to her beautiful face every morning. Before Alix, I never really thought about marriage and kids. But that all changed when I met her. I find myself....fanatsizing about the wedding and our lives and our kids and it gets more excited than I thought possible. I can honestly say that I have never felt this way before and honestly? I can't possibly do any better than Alix, because as far as I'm concerned, she's the best of the best. The greatest of the greatest. She's the first person I've ever written a poem for, the first person I've ever created a huge poster. She's just my everything. And with her, the world seems like a nicer place.

I'm learning

I'm learning. That's it. I'm learning how to not let things take complete control. I'm learning how to be patient. I'm learning to talk. I'm learning not to hold my feelings inside until they come exploding out and I have random crying fits. I'm learning to readjusted to this cruel world. I'm learning to put trust in others. For no reason I can think of, I have major trust issues. I take that back. I used to be an atheist. AND I have a hearing impairment. I think some people are only joking when they say kids are cruel and mean. but they really are cruel and mean and I honestly don't understand how someone, another kid, a teacher, a parent (I don't mean mine), anyone, reach out to me, tell me it would be okay. BUT I'm learning. And it's going to take some time.

I'm in a funk. I don't know. I feel like I'm just here. A rock. A rock that serves others but doesn't necessarily look after itself. I'm really easily irritated lately. Little things set me off. And it eithers makes me mad or I burst out randomly crying. It's just like what the hell am I doing here? I'm not in school and I don't have a job. And I kinda don't care about either really. I kinda of find myself each day just wanting to lay in bed and not do anything. I basically feel like everything I try at, I fail at. I feel useless. I AM useless. I don't want to go to school or get a job. I mean seriously, what's the point of even being here?

Here I Stand

I've been writing a lot. Mostly just to de-stress and get some mixed emotions out. But there's one thing that I'm writing that's particularly hard to do. I'm writing out my deepest darkest secret to give to Alix to read. The crazy thing is that this secret has never been told to anyone. Period. So it's kinda scary. Cause I'm trying to write it and I'm trying to explain so many things, I just don't know where to even start. One teacher in high school told me to just write, edit later. Sound familiar? It wouldn't if you don't go to University of West Georgia or read their paper. Yea, I was Writer of the Week sometime last year. ANYWAYS. I'm scared. I really think that I am thinking the worse and hoping for the best. I don't know, I'm just scared that this might change the way she thinks of me or looks at me. And I don't want it to change. I love Alix more than anything in this world and for me to tell her what I'll be telling her is a HUGE risk for me. But I promised her that I would never lie to her and I feel that by keeping this secret from her, that I would be breaking that promise and I don't think I can live with myself any longer knowing all this. I....am going to shut up now.

CCF

I realize that my passion for CCF has been intense at times, but it seems like I'm losing that passion lately. I just haven't felt like going to CCF lately. And it's taken me awhile to figure out why. I grew up in a small church with a really small youth group, as opposed to those who went big churches with youth groups so big they have to be divided by age group. It doesn't matter whether or not I believed in God, I'm accustomed to small groups. When I first started going to CCF, it was small. So small that we would have couches for seats instead of these stupid folding chairs. And it seemed like they were geared up for becoming close to students in their walk with Christ. Jason actually had time to sit and talk to a student for hours instead of 30 minutes. It used to be you could just walk into his office and talk. I miss that. ALOT. I miss the feeling of family. I miss the feeling of closeness. I miss that feeling of comfort and safeness with this group. Now, CCF is growing. It's big. And I understand that want. The more people that come, the more people that are coming to Christ. I get it, I really do. But because it's growing, it's screwed up. Now, it seems like Jason is always on the run with errands. Now, it seems like the ministry only cares about the freshman. Now, you can't walk into Jason's office to talk to him. You have to actually call him and ask him when he will be in the office. I feel like CCF isn't interested in bringing people to Christ. It feels to me that CCF is more interested in bring people to volunteer work. It's not a bad thing, volunteering. But it when it seems like it takes a precedent over God and working on our relationship with Him, then we've got a problem because God comes first in everything. Without Him, there is no us. I want to go this summer with them for Casas Por Cristo, but only because it's a cause that's close to my heart. But I kinda almost don't want to go, just because I would be going with CCF. I know it seems harsh. But I used to think I was the only one who felt this way. But I'm not. I've talked to some others who attend CCF on a regular basis, and they feel the same way I do, to an extent. You're probably wondering why I don't just go to a different ministry. Simple. It's because I feel like CCF is my family and you just don't give up on family. You just don't. So call me stubborn. I will admit that I have tried going to other ministries, but they never made me feel welcomed there. And that's a problem too.

Sensitive?

I've come to discover that I'm really sensitive about my hearing or lack thereof. I get it that it's funny sometimes when I don't hear that you insulted me, but it being the butt of every joke in my apartment because of it, well....it gets old. And fast. And I think that's why I stopped being at the apartment so much. And I hate being center of attention. I hate being picked on and made fun of. It was never something that I quite got over from that oh so lovely experience in middle school the day that I met Anna. It was something that Anna and I was working on before she died. And when she died, I didn't see the point of trying anymore. I really didn't and I still don't. I know it sounds childish and immature, but it still hurts my feelings sometimes and if I act like a drama queen, it's not that I'm trying to, but it's just because it stings. It makes me think that maybe my hearing is getting worse. But now is not the time for it now that i am not currently in school and without insurance. I don't have a job nor car. So I don't have the money to get my hearing tested. I don't know. I just makes me question....well...everything. My friendships and my relationships. I don't know. I just don't know.

there are no words

to describe this feeling. But I can tell you this. Alix is the one.

God and Favors

One of my friends told me that she thought that God owed her a favor. Or several even. And it got me thinking....Does God really owe us anything? I mean, He sent His only Son to the cross to die for our sins. I mean, that's a HUGE sacrifice for anyone to do. That's not really something that we can pay back. There is no way that we could ever return that favor to God. I think that's like the ULTIMATE favor. We can continue to praise Him and love Him and spread the Word of His amazing Love, but that's a favor we can't fully ever return. His unending love is too great for us to even comprehend. I guess what I'm trying to say is that God doesn't really owe us favors. But He does bless us everyday. And He continues to do so, whether we praise Him for it or not. He continues to bless us with a new day every time we open our eyes. He continues to bless with the people who are in our lives, leading us on the right path. He just continues to bless everyday, whether we even deserve it our not.

What I want to know is your thoughts on this. So tell me, what do you think? Does God really owe any favors?

Blind Side

If you haven't seen the movie, you should. It's definitely worth the money to see it. I can promise you that. If you haven't, I promise that there won't be any spoilers.

This movie made think. I think once you see it, that's a given. But this movie was basically about reaching out and helping someone. This theme has seem to prominent in my life the last few weeks. It first started when I was flipping channels and I saw this homeless guy begging for money or even food. But of course, no one was paying attention to this guy. And like usual, I paid no attention, like them. Then, it was the story of the night at CCF. Then this past week, when I was watching an episode of In Plain Sight, Brandi, the main character's sister, actually helped an old man in need. He was old, worn, and spoke no English. But despite it all, she made sure that he got to a hospital and got the care he needed. She, in fact, saved his life. And then this movie.

Who knows what would have happened if Leigh Anne hadn't told Sean to turn around that night. We know that Michael probably would have died not too soon later. He wouldn't be playing football and he certainly wouldn't have gone to college. What would this world be like if everyone just started helping others? There are so many programs to help the homeless but would any of these volunteers be willing to take them into their own home if they were to need it? There is so much hate and violence in this world, that it's just not possible for us to do something like that. I'm not really sure where I am going with this really. But it's been something that's presented itself to me and it was on my mind. And the fact that it's a prominent theme in my life these last few days, I feel like God is trying to tell me something. But I can't figure it out. Like I'm pretty sure He wants me to help. But I am lost as to what or who He wants me to help. I feel like its' right there in my face and for some reason, I can't see the bigger picture.

the last two months

A lot has changed in the last two months. For starters, the person I was talking about in the previous blog is well back in our lives. The three of us have this unspoken agreement that IT never happened. And I am quite okay with that.

I am officially out. My parents know. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it wasn't all that great. Brittney and I were suppose to go to Blakely to see Chelsea and Kayla. Kayla was home for Labor Day Weekend. Brittney had to work Thursday and Friday, I went home Thursday with Brittney and sat at her house both Thursday and Friday while she worked. We were suppose to leave after she got off work on Friday. Well, sometime Friday, Britt and Chelsea get into it and well, long story short, we didn't go. Saturday morning, Joey and Brandon came from Carrollton and got me. Later at home, I was trying to explain why we didn't go without saying that basically Brittney and Chelsea broke up. But my mom finished my sentence for me saying that they broke up. So my mom knows about Brittney. Okay. Well, it's Sunday and my mom and brother get into it, and my brother leaves. My mom is out on the porch, upset as ever. So, I go out there and try to comfort. I pretty much sit there, listening to her rant. When she was done, she was like, "Well, since I'm crying, you want to out yourself?" So my mom has known. For how long, I don't know. But we had a long talk about it. I don't think she's happy about it but she accepts it for what it is. Then I went and told my Dad. And well, he didn't want to talk about it. He did say, however, that he hopes it's a phase. And who knows? Maybe it is. I really don't think so though. But more on that later. So yea, my parents know. So I'm pretty open about it now. I mean, I'm not like introducing myself that way, like, "Hi, I'm Keeley and I'm gay." But I'm not quiet about it anymore.

I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Alix. And I am absolutely crazy about her. We met through friends of ours and we clicked right away. We started dating October 28, 2009. And until this weekend, we haven't spent a day or night apart since before we've started dating. I know that if you've been reading these posts, you're probably wondering about Kayla. Well, I was talking with Brittney and we've come to realize that we didn't really love each other like we thought. We fell in love with the feeling of love, if that makes sense. It makes sense to us haha. But Kayla isn't who I thought she was and she wasn't the best thing or the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Kayla actually got mad at me for moving on so fast, even though she told me I needed to. I just think that she doesn't like the idea of me being with someone who makes me so much happier than she did. I mean people are actually noticing my change in attitude since Alix and I have started dating. I can honestly say that I really think that Kayla and I won't be talking to one another anytime soon. BACK TO ALIX. Alix is amazing. Like for real. We have so much in common, it kinda scares me. But at the same time, I like it. And with her, this ice wall that I have around my heart is starting to melt. That's what's crazy to me. Especially after all that I have been through with Kayla, I really wasn't expecting it to happen for awhile. She even knows about Anna already. She doesn't know the full story and she may not for awhile and that's okay. I'm trying to take it slow with her and just be patient. She is pretty much fresh out of a two year relationship with someone and I just have to say more power to her haha. Earl and I dated for a year and a half, and after I broke up with him for the final time, I wasn't ready to date for a good six months. Andrew doesn't count. But I really really like Alix. There aren't words to describe just how amazing she really is. And what she sees in me, I just don't know, but I don't want to question it. Brittney says we are amazing together. She says I'm not the easiest person to get to know and Alix seems to get me already, she understands me. And Brittney is right. I'm not easy to get to know. I wear my heart on my sleeve about some things. But when it comes to letting some one in and letting them get to know about me, I pretty much shut down. And I hate crying in front of people. Someone could probably shoot me in the foot (*knock on wood*) and I still wouldn't cry. Like I just can't. I'm not sure why I'm this way, I just know that I am.

My mom just had surgery on Thursday. She was diagnosed with stage 0 DCIS breast cancer. While stage 0 doesn't sound so bad, which it isn't, the cancer wasn't minor, just not as severe as it could be. It took me so long to process this information. It wasn't til the day before that it finally hit me. I really could lose my mom to this. And naturally I was with Alix when hit with this realization. She told me several times that I looked like I was going to cry. But I said I was fine. In actuality, I was so going to. But I couldn't in front of Alix. I should have went into the bathroom or something, but I didn't. Instead, we sat on the couch and I acted all weird. BUT anyways, my mom had the surgery on Thursday to get the cancer out and she did the reconstructive surgery while she was still under. She went in about 4 and was done around 9, 930. It was a good surgery and she came through like a trooper. Friday morning, she texted me and was like, "I'm ready to run around the block!" I went and saw her at the hospital after I finally got home from school. Oh and I bought her a stuffed elephant on the way home. Saturday afternoon, she woke me up from my bed. Turns out she had come home about 2 and a half hours before. She was telling me that I needed to get up haha. So it was another moment that I've come to cherish. My mom is a pretty strong woman and I love her to death.