Saturday, February 14, 2009
I think about it all the time. I can think of a million ways to do it. I can think of all the problems that it would solve for me. I don't even care about anyone else anymore. I'm tired of putting people before me. It's time for me to do whatever the heck I want and not worry about others. PERIOD. I don't want to even do anything anymore. I just want to sleep. I care nothing about softball, photography, writing, and CCF anymore. I have lost interest in everything I used to love. I want to do nothing but sleep. Nobody even reads this. So why should anyone care about how I feel? They don't so, why should I care about this stupid life?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Last few days
I know I've been neglecting this but I've been doing school work alot. I've been going through a lot and honestly, I don't even want Saturday to happen. If we could just go from Friday, skip Saturday, and go straight to Sunday, I would be more than happy to go along with that. I have never ever in my life, hated Valentine's Day the way I do right. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I even hate it with 12,345,678,910,504,956,438,759,834,596,324,657,289,364,573,459,817,439 times more than a hating something with a fiery passion of a thousand suns.
I just really hate it.
Guys are stupid.
and FYI, there is NOT ALWAYS a weak link in a group of girls!
I just really hate it.
Guys are stupid.
and FYI, there is NOT ALWAYS a weak link in a group of girls!
Monday, February 02, 2009
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Katherine and Jennifer and Eagle Eye
That about sums it up.
Thursday night after CCF, I finally decided that I was going to James's (Katherine's Dad) funeral. Even if I didn't know him, I know that he meant the world to Katherine and that was enough for me. I spent about an hour and a half to get ahold of ANYONE who was going. Finally I got ahold of Adam.
Friday morning I got up about 830-9 and got dressed. Adam picked me up at about 940. At about 1015, Adam, Gina, Stephanie, Sarah, Laura, Blake, and I left in the van. Jason, Matt, and Blake M. left a few minutes after us in Katherine's car and how they got there before we did is still a mystery to me. But we got there safely and that's all that matters. The service was good. I was tearing up a little bit until Katherine got up and talked and then I lost it. Of course. It was a humbling experience in that I did not know this man, but I knew that he was well-loved and just an amazing man.
Two things happened though that I haven't really been able to stop thinking about....
Brooke was there. And I froze. When she was going through giving hugs to all those of us that just arrived, I froze. As mad as I was, and as much as I wanted to walk away from her, I couldn't. How stupid is that? When she did hug me, it took me everything I had to put my arms around her and say hey.
Two, during the service, after all the family and friends had told their story and before the Reverend spoke again, one man in the back stood up and said that he wanted to say something. He said that he's been suicidal three times. And through each time, James had helped him through. And he urged us that if we were ever feeling that low, if we ever got to that point of despair, he urged us to talk to someone. It brought up a lot of feelings all at once. And at the time, I wasn't sure how to handle that. But now that I've sorted through it all, I've realized that it's still a a touchy subject for me, having tried once to end it all. I mean who do I have to go to when I'm feeling that low? My one person is gone. I don't know, it really is a lot to re-sort through all at once. It's hard doing it on my own because I don't know who else has gone through this.
Friday night, it was Brittney, Alyssa, Sammy, Joey, and I were watching Grey's Anatomy, when Sammy got a call from Jennifer. Her grandmother had been put into hospice and wasn't going to have much longer to live. Jenn was torn up over it and she just needed someone there. So Joey, who didn't know Jenn, left, and Alyssa, Sammy, Brittney, and I drove to Cobb Hospital. The last place I wanted to be, but I had to get pass that for Jenn. Jenn needed us, and I wasn't screwing it up this time. We got there a little after midnight. By this point, Sammy had called several others, and even though it was late, they decided to come. I can't remember who all came, but I do know that it was getting crowded in the room. So after they got there, Sammy, Alyssa, Brittney, and I left for home. That was a little after 1. So we didn't get back to Carrollton til a little after 2 in the morning.
I know most people would complain about being up for almost 24 hours, but I couldn't. I was there in support of two friends who mean the world to me, who needed support. And I know that those two would do the same for me if I had been in their position. And I am more than 100 percent grateful for them.
Then there's today. Uneventful. I woke up about 1, went over to Brittney's and watched the rest of Grey's Anatomy Season one. After that, I came back to my room and worked on homework for a little while. After two or three hours, I went back over to Brittney's and did more homework and Brittney made spaghetti, which was good. Then Lisa came up with Eagle Eye and we watched it. We spent like 20 minutes at one point looking for Matt Blair and Jason Collett, but we couldn't find them. And now I'm here typing, when I really should be in bed.
But I can't sleep.
That's a shocker.
Thursday night after CCF, I finally decided that I was going to James's (Katherine's Dad) funeral. Even if I didn't know him, I know that he meant the world to Katherine and that was enough for me. I spent about an hour and a half to get ahold of ANYONE who was going. Finally I got ahold of Adam.
Friday morning I got up about 830-9 and got dressed. Adam picked me up at about 940. At about 1015, Adam, Gina, Stephanie, Sarah, Laura, Blake, and I left in the van. Jason, Matt, and Blake M. left a few minutes after us in Katherine's car and how they got there before we did is still a mystery to me. But we got there safely and that's all that matters. The service was good. I was tearing up a little bit until Katherine got up and talked and then I lost it. Of course. It was a humbling experience in that I did not know this man, but I knew that he was well-loved and just an amazing man.
Two things happened though that I haven't really been able to stop thinking about....
Brooke was there. And I froze. When she was going through giving hugs to all those of us that just arrived, I froze. As mad as I was, and as much as I wanted to walk away from her, I couldn't. How stupid is that? When she did hug me, it took me everything I had to put my arms around her and say hey.
Two, during the service, after all the family and friends had told their story and before the Reverend spoke again, one man in the back stood up and said that he wanted to say something. He said that he's been suicidal three times. And through each time, James had helped him through. And he urged us that if we were ever feeling that low, if we ever got to that point of despair, he urged us to talk to someone. It brought up a lot of feelings all at once. And at the time, I wasn't sure how to handle that. But now that I've sorted through it all, I've realized that it's still a a touchy subject for me, having tried once to end it all. I mean who do I have to go to when I'm feeling that low? My one person is gone. I don't know, it really is a lot to re-sort through all at once. It's hard doing it on my own because I don't know who else has gone through this.
Friday night, it was Brittney, Alyssa, Sammy, Joey, and I were watching Grey's Anatomy, when Sammy got a call from Jennifer. Her grandmother had been put into hospice and wasn't going to have much longer to live. Jenn was torn up over it and she just needed someone there. So Joey, who didn't know Jenn, left, and Alyssa, Sammy, Brittney, and I drove to Cobb Hospital. The last place I wanted to be, but I had to get pass that for Jenn. Jenn needed us, and I wasn't screwing it up this time. We got there a little after midnight. By this point, Sammy had called several others, and even though it was late, they decided to come. I can't remember who all came, but I do know that it was getting crowded in the room. So after they got there, Sammy, Alyssa, Brittney, and I left for home. That was a little after 1. So we didn't get back to Carrollton til a little after 2 in the morning.
I know most people would complain about being up for almost 24 hours, but I couldn't. I was there in support of two friends who mean the world to me, who needed support. And I know that those two would do the same for me if I had been in their position. And I am more than 100 percent grateful for them.
Then there's today. Uneventful. I woke up about 1, went over to Brittney's and watched the rest of Grey's Anatomy Season one. After that, I came back to my room and worked on homework for a little while. After two or three hours, I went back over to Brittney's and did more homework and Brittney made spaghetti, which was good. Then Lisa came up with Eagle Eye and we watched it. We spent like 20 minutes at one point looking for Matt Blair and Jason Collett, but we couldn't find them. And now I'm here typing, when I really should be in bed.
But I can't sleep.
That's a shocker.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I was at lunch today and the conversation took the course of talking about a situation of some of our friends. They just had a baby together and they haven't gotten married yet, but they are engaged to do so. We were talking about whether or not that they should married or not. We were also debating over whether or not they truly loved each other. But that's not what this is about. As the conversation was going, I was hearing things that makes me realize one thing and one thing only: I am lucky. I am lucky that my parents are still happily married to one another. I'm lucky that I have a strong relationship with them. I'm lucky that my family isn't separated in two different houses. I'm lucky that we love each other with unconditional love. And while I admit that it could be better, I'm lucky that my brother and I have a relationship with each other. And with the death of Katherine's dad, I am ever more grateful for my family.
I'm still trying to understand a lot of things surrounding the death of Katherine's dad. I still can not fathom why he died, why the doctors released him, why anything. My heart continues to break for her and her family, and I can't continue to think about it without crying.
I'm still trying to understand a lot of things surrounding the death of Katherine's dad. I still can not fathom why he died, why the doctors released him, why anything. My heart continues to break for her and her family, and I can't continue to think about it without crying.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Katherine Lord
When I wrote my last blog, the man whom Katherine called her rock, was alive. As I write this one, I am sadden to say that this same man is not. I don't know all the details, what I do know is that Katherine and I have gotten to know one another really well in the last couple of months. And she praised him in every way she could. It showed that her dad was her rock. I have never met Katherine's dad, but I know he's an amazing person just by who Katherine is today. My heart breaks for Katherine because I don't ever want any of my friends to be in that much pain. I cried when I heard the news. I was walking towards the University Campus Center and when a friend of mine texted me and told me the news, my knees literally gave out. My friend who was with me had to catch me to keep me from breaking my knees. I can't say I know exactly what she's going through, but I know I do to an extent. I am lucky to say that I still have my father.
Today didn't start as a good day anyways. I was late to class, my professor was 20 minutes late, people were getting in my way, and I was getting agitated very easily. I thought I was on top of the world when I was told that I was going to be Writer of the Week in the West Georgian, but I was oh so very horribly wrong. And I'm not saying that to be selfish, I'm just saying that last week, this was a HUGE deal to me. And now it seems like it's nothing compared to this. And it really is no big thing anymore. I know I always say that everything happens for a reason, but I'm trying really to understand God's reason for this. Katherine is only 20something. She JUST graduated from college this past summer. If there was anytime that she is going to really need her dad and family, it's now. My heart really does break for Katherine because I know that pain of losing someone so close to me. And I hate that she has to go through at so young an age. If you read this, I ask that you please please PLEASE keep Katherine Lord and her family in your prayers, especially Katherine's mom.
I feel like anything else I say that is not related to this is insignificant, so I will save that for another blog.
Katherine, if you are reading this, I love you more than you could know. I am praying for you and your family.
Today didn't start as a good day anyways. I was late to class, my professor was 20 minutes late, people were getting in my way, and I was getting agitated very easily. I thought I was on top of the world when I was told that I was going to be Writer of the Week in the West Georgian, but I was oh so very horribly wrong. And I'm not saying that to be selfish, I'm just saying that last week, this was a HUGE deal to me. And now it seems like it's nothing compared to this. And it really is no big thing anymore. I know I always say that everything happens for a reason, but I'm trying really to understand God's reason for this. Katherine is only 20something. She JUST graduated from college this past summer. If there was anytime that she is going to really need her dad and family, it's now. My heart really does break for Katherine because I know that pain of losing someone so close to me. And I hate that she has to go through at so young an age. If you read this, I ask that you please please PLEASE keep Katherine Lord and her family in your prayers, especially Katherine's mom.
I feel like anything else I say that is not related to this is insignificant, so I will save that for another blog.
Katherine, if you are reading this, I love you more than you could know. I am praying for you and your family.
Nobody's perfect
What brings this up you ask? I haven't a clue. When I woke up today, I knew it was going to be an interesting day. And yet it was uneventful til I got back to my dorm and was taking quick nap before going out for a friend's birthday...and the fire alarm went off. How lovely is was to be awaken by strobe lights and a HORRIBLE blaring sound this school calls an alarm.Then I went over next door and got ready to go out. And I thought, 'Every day brings me closer to being 20. I won't be a teenager EVER again.' And for some reason, that scares me to no end. I've realized that I do NOT enjoy the concept of getting older. If I could stay 19 the rest of my life like Bella, I would be all over that. What about 21? I don't drink nor do I ever care to. Let's face it, I don't want to grow up. I want to find me a vampire who will turn me into one, so I'll always be 19. BUT chances are, if I haven't found one in the last 19 years, I'll probably won't in the next 78 days. Oh yes, I don't want to turn 20 but I'm counting down to it.
I wish I had my person here. They would help me a lot!
When I first started doing this several days ago, I was weary about being so open. I was also weary of linking the site from Facebook where many of my friends on Facebook don't know that I am bi. But as I've said before, if they can't love me for who I am, then they were never really my friend. I feel a lot more at ease with having the link on my Facebook.
I wish I had my person here. They would help me a lot!
When I first started doing this several days ago, I was weary about being so open. I was also weary of linking the site from Facebook where many of my friends on Facebook don't know that I am bi. But as I've said before, if they can't love me for who I am, then they were never really my friend. I feel a lot more at ease with having the link on my Facebook.
Monday, January 26, 2009
I am, unlike Jason, is trying to stay updated with this. :)
Writing what I wrote in the last two posts, well it was just what I needed. I felt a sense of relief after finally having got it out in the open. Now all that is left, is the for the people that read this to judge me or love me even after all that. Today was a better day. I got to hang out with my nephew more than twice this weekend. Seeing as how I won't get to see him soon as often as I'd like, every second I can get with him, is precious to me. And I'm certainly cherishing every second.
I've accepted the fact that I am bi. It's just matter of trying to myself to believe that I won't go to Hell for it.
That's for this post.
Writing what I wrote in the last two posts, well it was just what I needed. I felt a sense of relief after finally having got it out in the open. Now all that is left, is the for the people that read this to judge me or love me even after all that. Today was a better day. I got to hang out with my nephew more than twice this weekend. Seeing as how I won't get to see him soon as often as I'd like, every second I can get with him, is precious to me. And I'm certainly cherishing every second.
I've accepted the fact that I am bi. It's just matter of trying to myself to believe that I won't go to Hell for it.
That's for this post.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
It hurts
Maybe I'm crazy but I really feel like I have to get this off my chest. It's been bothering me for several weeks now.
I fell hard for someone in less than a semester (4 months). I don't know if Brooke ever felt the same way about me, but I never cared. I was happy whenever I was around Brooke. Brooke and I talked about everything about how we were feeling. So when Brooke talked about leaving, not knowing what they wanted to do, I shut down. I knew Brooke well enough at this point that I knew that Brooke was leaving, so I shut down. I stopped hanging out with Brooke so much, because I was preparing myself for Brooke to leave. I mean, wouldn't you? Naturally Brooke noticed that change and finally unleashed it all one night. I believe everything has gone downhill since then.
Then came this semester. And lo and behold, Brooke left. But what hurts the most was that Brooke didn't tell me. She just up and left. I mean the last conversation was about paint. I mean really?? It hurt to have to find out the way I finally did.
We never actually dated, but one of the few people who know how crazy I was for Brooke, they said it was like I was suffering a bad breakup. Keep in mind, that I have never been dumped. If this is what it feels like, this feeling sucks.
I fell hard for someone in less than a semester (4 months). I don't know if Brooke ever felt the same way about me, but I never cared. I was happy whenever I was around Brooke. Brooke and I talked about everything about how we were feeling. So when Brooke talked about leaving, not knowing what they wanted to do, I shut down. I knew Brooke well enough at this point that I knew that Brooke was leaving, so I shut down. I stopped hanging out with Brooke so much, because I was preparing myself for Brooke to leave. I mean, wouldn't you? Naturally Brooke noticed that change and finally unleashed it all one night. I believe everything has gone downhill since then.
Then came this semester. And lo and behold, Brooke left. But what hurts the most was that Brooke didn't tell me. She just up and left. I mean the last conversation was about paint. I mean really?? It hurt to have to find out the way I finally did.
We never actually dated, but one of the few people who know how crazy I was for Brooke, they said it was like I was suffering a bad breakup. Keep in mind, that I have never been dumped. If this is what it feels like, this feeling sucks.
trying
to do what I'm not sure. I've never been too comfortable pouring my heart out to complete unknown strangers. I promise this makes sense. Maybe only to me, but it does. You see, I'm trying to figure myself out. It's come to my attention several years ago, that I'm...well...different. I guess, like they all say, I've always known but it's only here lately that I finally question. Yes, I know it's a sin, but God loves the sinner, that's me, and not the sin. I've tried to be something I'm not, and others may be happy with that, but I am not. My parents still don't even know. I watched Prayers for Bobby with my parents and somehow the question came up. What would they say if I told them I was gay? Both answers surprised me. Mom said that she would love me no matter what. My dad said that he wouldn't be happy, but he would still love me and just wants me to be happy. Should I be relieved to hear this? Yes and no. We always say that we will react one way or say one thing, and when it actually happens, they react completely opposite or say something that contradicts what they said before. Would it 'sweeten the deal' if I said I was bi? I mean I still like guys, so I would still have a chance at an easy life. But my heart wants what it wants. I can't help it. This is who I am. This is what I am. If I should lose my friends because of it, then they weren't really my friends. If I should lose respect from others because of it, then so be it.
Yes, I know what the Bible says. But you have to remember that whatever version you're reading is that of the interpreted version of mortal men, it's interpreted to be in their times. Yes, they said that those of the same sex who laid together would punishable by death. Well, it said the same thing for an adulterer and a child who disobeys their parents. Are you going to kill your child just because they disobeyed you? No. I believe that God loves me no matter what.
I don't believe this to be genetic, but I also don't believe that this is because of the way I was raised.
If you're reading this because of the link I posted onto my Facebook, I'm tired of hiding. This is who I am, and if you can't accept me and love me for me, then I guess we were never really friends.
To others who happen across this, yes I am really this crazy sometimes. But aren't we are all sometimes?
Yes, I know what the Bible says. But you have to remember that whatever version you're reading is that of the interpreted version of mortal men, it's interpreted to be in their times. Yes, they said that those of the same sex who laid together would punishable by death. Well, it said the same thing for an adulterer and a child who disobeys their parents. Are you going to kill your child just because they disobeyed you? No. I believe that God loves me no matter what.
I don't believe this to be genetic, but I also don't believe that this is because of the way I was raised.
If you're reading this because of the link I posted onto my Facebook, I'm tired of hiding. This is who I am, and if you can't accept me and love me for me, then I guess we were never really friends.
To others who happen across this, yes I am really this crazy sometimes. But aren't we are all sometimes?
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