Here I Stand

I've been writing a lot. Mostly just to de-stress and get some mixed emotions out. But there's one thing that I'm writing that's particularly hard to do. I'm writing out my deepest darkest secret to give to Alix to read. The crazy thing is that this secret has never been told to anyone. Period. So it's kinda scary. Cause I'm trying to write it and I'm trying to explain so many things, I just don't know where to even start. One teacher in high school told me to just write, edit later. Sound familiar? It wouldn't if you don't go to University of West Georgia or read their paper. Yea, I was Writer of the Week sometime last year. ANYWAYS. I'm scared. I really think that I am thinking the worse and hoping for the best. I don't know, I'm just scared that this might change the way she thinks of me or looks at me. And I don't want it to change. I love Alix more than anything in this world and for me to tell her what I'll be telling her is a HUGE risk for me. But I promised her that I would never lie to her and I feel that by keeping this secret from her, that I would be breaking that promise and I don't think I can live with myself any longer knowing all this. I....am going to shut up now.

CCF

I realize that my passion for CCF has been intense at times, but it seems like I'm losing that passion lately. I just haven't felt like going to CCF lately. And it's taken me awhile to figure out why. I grew up in a small church with a really small youth group, as opposed to those who went big churches with youth groups so big they have to be divided by age group. It doesn't matter whether or not I believed in God, I'm accustomed to small groups. When I first started going to CCF, it was small. So small that we would have couches for seats instead of these stupid folding chairs. And it seemed like they were geared up for becoming close to students in their walk with Christ. Jason actually had time to sit and talk to a student for hours instead of 30 minutes. It used to be you could just walk into his office and talk. I miss that. ALOT. I miss the feeling of family. I miss the feeling of closeness. I miss that feeling of comfort and safeness with this group. Now, CCF is growing. It's big. And I understand that want. The more people that come, the more people that are coming to Christ. I get it, I really do. But because it's growing, it's screwed up. Now, it seems like Jason is always on the run with errands. Now, it seems like the ministry only cares about the freshman. Now, you can't walk into Jason's office to talk to him. You have to actually call him and ask him when he will be in the office. I feel like CCF isn't interested in bringing people to Christ. It feels to me that CCF is more interested in bring people to volunteer work. It's not a bad thing, volunteering. But it when it seems like it takes a precedent over God and working on our relationship with Him, then we've got a problem because God comes first in everything. Without Him, there is no us. I want to go this summer with them for Casas Por Cristo, but only because it's a cause that's close to my heart. But I kinda almost don't want to go, just because I would be going with CCF. I know it seems harsh. But I used to think I was the only one who felt this way. But I'm not. I've talked to some others who attend CCF on a regular basis, and they feel the same way I do, to an extent. You're probably wondering why I don't just go to a different ministry. Simple. It's because I feel like CCF is my family and you just don't give up on family. You just don't. So call me stubborn. I will admit that I have tried going to other ministries, but they never made me feel welcomed there. And that's a problem too.

Sensitive?

I've come to discover that I'm really sensitive about my hearing or lack thereof. I get it that it's funny sometimes when I don't hear that you insulted me, but it being the butt of every joke in my apartment because of it, well....it gets old. And fast. And I think that's why I stopped being at the apartment so much. And I hate being center of attention. I hate being picked on and made fun of. It was never something that I quite got over from that oh so lovely experience in middle school the day that I met Anna. It was something that Anna and I was working on before she died. And when she died, I didn't see the point of trying anymore. I really didn't and I still don't. I know it sounds childish and immature, but it still hurts my feelings sometimes and if I act like a drama queen, it's not that I'm trying to, but it's just because it stings. It makes me think that maybe my hearing is getting worse. But now is not the time for it now that i am not currently in school and without insurance. I don't have a job nor car. So I don't have the money to get my hearing tested. I don't know. I just makes me question....well...everything. My friendships and my relationships. I don't know. I just don't know.

there are no words

to describe this feeling. But I can tell you this. Alix is the one.

God and Favors

One of my friends told me that she thought that God owed her a favor. Or several even. And it got me thinking....Does God really owe us anything? I mean, He sent His only Son to the cross to die for our sins. I mean, that's a HUGE sacrifice for anyone to do. That's not really something that we can pay back. There is no way that we could ever return that favor to God. I think that's like the ULTIMATE favor. We can continue to praise Him and love Him and spread the Word of His amazing Love, but that's a favor we can't fully ever return. His unending love is too great for us to even comprehend. I guess what I'm trying to say is that God doesn't really owe us favors. But He does bless us everyday. And He continues to do so, whether we praise Him for it or not. He continues to bless us with a new day every time we open our eyes. He continues to bless with the people who are in our lives, leading us on the right path. He just continues to bless everyday, whether we even deserve it our not.

What I want to know is your thoughts on this. So tell me, what do you think? Does God really owe any favors?

Blind Side

If you haven't seen the movie, you should. It's definitely worth the money to see it. I can promise you that. If you haven't, I promise that there won't be any spoilers.

This movie made think. I think once you see it, that's a given. But this movie was basically about reaching out and helping someone. This theme has seem to prominent in my life the last few weeks. It first started when I was flipping channels and I saw this homeless guy begging for money or even food. But of course, no one was paying attention to this guy. And like usual, I paid no attention, like them. Then, it was the story of the night at CCF. Then this past week, when I was watching an episode of In Plain Sight, Brandi, the main character's sister, actually helped an old man in need. He was old, worn, and spoke no English. But despite it all, she made sure that he got to a hospital and got the care he needed. She, in fact, saved his life. And then this movie.

Who knows what would have happened if Leigh Anne hadn't told Sean to turn around that night. We know that Michael probably would have died not too soon later. He wouldn't be playing football and he certainly wouldn't have gone to college. What would this world be like if everyone just started helping others? There are so many programs to help the homeless but would any of these volunteers be willing to take them into their own home if they were to need it? There is so much hate and violence in this world, that it's just not possible for us to do something like that. I'm not really sure where I am going with this really. But it's been something that's presented itself to me and it was on my mind. And the fact that it's a prominent theme in my life these last few days, I feel like God is trying to tell me something. But I can't figure it out. Like I'm pretty sure He wants me to help. But I am lost as to what or who He wants me to help. I feel like its' right there in my face and for some reason, I can't see the bigger picture.

the last two months

A lot has changed in the last two months. For starters, the person I was talking about in the previous blog is well back in our lives. The three of us have this unspoken agreement that IT never happened. And I am quite okay with that.

I am officially out. My parents know. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it wasn't all that great. Brittney and I were suppose to go to Blakely to see Chelsea and Kayla. Kayla was home for Labor Day Weekend. Brittney had to work Thursday and Friday, I went home Thursday with Brittney and sat at her house both Thursday and Friday while she worked. We were suppose to leave after she got off work on Friday. Well, sometime Friday, Britt and Chelsea get into it and well, long story short, we didn't go. Saturday morning, Joey and Brandon came from Carrollton and got me. Later at home, I was trying to explain why we didn't go without saying that basically Brittney and Chelsea broke up. But my mom finished my sentence for me saying that they broke up. So my mom knows about Brittney. Okay. Well, it's Sunday and my mom and brother get into it, and my brother leaves. My mom is out on the porch, upset as ever. So, I go out there and try to comfort. I pretty much sit there, listening to her rant. When she was done, she was like, "Well, since I'm crying, you want to out yourself?" So my mom has known. For how long, I don't know. But we had a long talk about it. I don't think she's happy about it but she accepts it for what it is. Then I went and told my Dad. And well, he didn't want to talk about it. He did say, however, that he hopes it's a phase. And who knows? Maybe it is. I really don't think so though. But more on that later. So yea, my parents know. So I'm pretty open about it now. I mean, I'm not like introducing myself that way, like, "Hi, I'm Keeley and I'm gay." But I'm not quiet about it anymore.

I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Alix. And I am absolutely crazy about her. We met through friends of ours and we clicked right away. We started dating October 28, 2009. And until this weekend, we haven't spent a day or night apart since before we've started dating. I know that if you've been reading these posts, you're probably wondering about Kayla. Well, I was talking with Brittney and we've come to realize that we didn't really love each other like we thought. We fell in love with the feeling of love, if that makes sense. It makes sense to us haha. But Kayla isn't who I thought she was and she wasn't the best thing or the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Kayla actually got mad at me for moving on so fast, even though she told me I needed to. I just think that she doesn't like the idea of me being with someone who makes me so much happier than she did. I mean people are actually noticing my change in attitude since Alix and I have started dating. I can honestly say that I really think that Kayla and I won't be talking to one another anytime soon. BACK TO ALIX. Alix is amazing. Like for real. We have so much in common, it kinda scares me. But at the same time, I like it. And with her, this ice wall that I have around my heart is starting to melt. That's what's crazy to me. Especially after all that I have been through with Kayla, I really wasn't expecting it to happen for awhile. She even knows about Anna already. She doesn't know the full story and she may not for awhile and that's okay. I'm trying to take it slow with her and just be patient. She is pretty much fresh out of a two year relationship with someone and I just have to say more power to her haha. Earl and I dated for a year and a half, and after I broke up with him for the final time, I wasn't ready to date for a good six months. Andrew doesn't count. But I really really like Alix. There aren't words to describe just how amazing she really is. And what she sees in me, I just don't know, but I don't want to question it. Brittney says we are amazing together. She says I'm not the easiest person to get to know and Alix seems to get me already, she understands me. And Brittney is right. I'm not easy to get to know. I wear my heart on my sleeve about some things. But when it comes to letting some one in and letting them get to know about me, I pretty much shut down. And I hate crying in front of people. Someone could probably shoot me in the foot (*knock on wood*) and I still wouldn't cry. Like I just can't. I'm not sure why I'm this way, I just know that I am.

My mom just had surgery on Thursday. She was diagnosed with stage 0 DCIS breast cancer. While stage 0 doesn't sound so bad, which it isn't, the cancer wasn't minor, just not as severe as it could be. It took me so long to process this information. It wasn't til the day before that it finally hit me. I really could lose my mom to this. And naturally I was with Alix when hit with this realization. She told me several times that I looked like I was going to cry. But I said I was fine. In actuality, I was so going to. But I couldn't in front of Alix. I should have went into the bathroom or something, but I didn't. Instead, we sat on the couch and I acted all weird. BUT anyways, my mom had the surgery on Thursday to get the cancer out and she did the reconstructive surgery while she was still under. She went in about 4 and was done around 9, 930. It was a good surgery and she came through like a trooper. Friday morning, she texted me and was like, "I'm ready to run around the block!" I went and saw her at the hospital after I finally got home from school. Oh and I bought her a stuffed elephant on the way home. Saturday afternoon, she woke me up from my bed. Turns out she had come home about 2 and a half hours before. She was telling me that I needed to get up haha. So it was another moment that I've come to cherish. My mom is a pretty strong woman and I love her to death.

FRUSTRATED

I'm not as okay with it like I thought I was. I wish Sammy could see that I am still on the same page with her on how we feel. I wish I wasnt so confused on the way I feel. I'm tired of being the good girl period. I want to be able to be loudmouthed and outgoing as I know I can be. But inhibitions won't let me do that. Have you ever felt anger collecting in your chest? Have you ever felt like if you didnt release it, you would blow up? I feel that way. That's why I want so bad to get to the batting cages. I know people make fun of me for wanting to but yall dont realize that it is the only way to release my anger without hurting anyone. I've done it before and I dont want it to happen again. I'm just so frsutrated...with myself, with Brittney, with Sammy, with the world, heck I dont even know anymore. I give up

Epiphany

I have kinda have had an epiphany. I say that I am so frustrated with not dating. But today I saw a video of a gorgeous cat named Rihanna. And I got to thinking how much I really like cats and there I was, imagining a cat on my lap, just us loving on each other. And I realized, I would be happy with just a cat. I don't have to date. Then I thought, "my heavens, I'm going to be the cat lady." But really it's this. I'm focusing so much attention on other people and being there for them and not really worrying about me. But the reason why I thought I was so ready to start dating again wasn't because I wanted to be dating. I want attention. I know that sounds bad, but it's so true. It's part of human nature to want some attention. I mean for those who know me, know that I hate being the center of attention. But honestly, I don't want much. I just to know someone will be there for me. There are so many things happening in my life, both good and bad and I really don't say much about it because no one asks. I am quiet and I am predictable. Heck, I'm Clark Kent. I don't want to be Clark Kent. I want to make mistakes. I want to do stupid things. I want to be wild. But it's so out of character for me, that even if I tried, I couldn't make stupid mistakes and be wild. I just couldn't. I think that's why I love leather jackets and boots so much. Because to me, that's as close as I am ever going to be to being wild and crazy.

The happiness never lasts

I've a bad day.

I really don't like Ryan the way I thought I had. Like something was missing and I felt so bad for leading him on like this. While I'm struggling with this, I'm having to deal with the beginning of school and the school work is going to coming regularly, all the while, I have yet to start job-hunting and I know I need to.
Today.
When I first woke up, the day wasn't going bad. Then I got out of bed. I took a shower and went to lunch with Ryan. Yes, Ryan came all the way out here to have lunch with me and see me, even if it was only an hour. Lunch was fun, it really was. But we went to Applebee's and the last time I was there was for my birthday dinner and Kayla was there. It was just too many memories. So on the way over, I'm praying that we don't sit where I have a view of the booth. When have I ever had good luck? Never. The hostess sits in a table near the booth so when I sit down, I can see the part of the booth where Kayla, Chelsea, Brittney, and I were. So we're sitting there, and I can literally see us there, laughing and having a good time. But Ryan and I were doing a pretty job keeping the conversation going, so I was distracted every know and then. But regardless, I wasn't all there. After lunch, he brought me back to the apartment and walked me up and into the apartment. Well, Sammy was sitting on the couch. And after a few minutes of Ryan and I standing there, I just turned to Ryan and told him that I had some things to do before class. Well, we hugged right there and he kissed me on the head. I have to give him points for that. He was pretty gutsy...and it made me feel even worse. I walked him out the door. After he left, I changed and got my stuff for class together and left. I managed to make it through my two classes and back to the apartment, uneventful. Well, several hours later, my roommates and I are all sitting there in the living room watching TV, when I get a text from Ryan. It said that it seemed like I wasn't' wanting to be there and wasn't all there and he wanted to know what was up. I asked Brittney what do I do and she said it was time. So I texted him back and I told him that I had my heart broken back in June and that I think that I rushed into another relationship too soon, before I was really ready too. He texted back and was like, "So you just want to be friends for now?" and I said yes. Then he texted back saying he was here if I ever wanted to go out and have fun. I texted him back saying that I was sorry and he didn't text me back after that. I figured he was a little upset, so I just let it go. So feeling pretty bad, I just decided to call it an early night. Well naturally I can't sleep, so I just print pictures for the frames. And I change my facebook status to "is officially a jerk." Well, while doing this, Brittney comes in and she wants the details on the whole breakup thing. So I tell her and she hangs out in my room for awhile. During this time, my aunt calls me. I don't know how my aunt does, but she has this uncanny ability to call me randomly when I'm having bad days. I may hate talking on the phone, but I'll talk to her on the phone all day if I could. She always, always, ALWAYS make me feel better, even when I'm feeling extremely low. While we're talking about random stuff, Ryan texts me. He goes, "hey your not a jerk. you told me the truth and respect that." And I texted him back and said, "that does make me feel better. I just think it's stupid when people break up with other people thru text." He texts back saying, "Alright, just know that I care and I hate to see you hurt" and I told him thanks. So my aunt makes me feel better about everything, Ryan makes me feel better about us.

Kayla said that after she graduated A-school, she would be home for two weeks before going to California. And she said that she was going to try to come see me during that time, that she really wanted to see me. At first, I was all for it. But after all this, I'm not so sure anymore.