New...everything

GAH! This is the first time I've been back since they changed everything around and it makes my computer all slow and stuff. I don't like.

Anyways, I've been watching the Vampire Diaries and I got all caught up but season 4 had already started so, I'm not caught up anymore. and now I've got Alix hooked on it so now I'm re-watching it. It's funny what I have already forgotten about the first two seasons. BUT this not the reason for this post. In the beginning of the show, they showed the two main characters writing in their journals and it got me thinking. In this high tech world, it has gotten so impersonal and I'm not sure I like it. I don't think I have deep and meaningful things to say like Elena and Stefan do, but I have stuff to say that is deep and meaningful to me.

What I'm trying to say is that I think I am going to go back to using an actual journal. I'm 23 years old and when I die, I want to have a ton of journals that describe my life. All of it. The good and the bad. The accomplishments and the struggles. I'm still gonna keep this up for purposes of talking things through, I guess. Like my homosexuality is a choice? post and the like, but no more personal things. I know I have a few posts in the future soon because of blog entries I have to do for a class, but I can't guarantee any soon there after.

June

I have one more week of being totally bored out of my mind. Starting June 11th (coincidentally also my mother and grandmother's birthday), I get to do this fabulous thing called Perspectives Camp. Yep, it's that time of the year! This will be my second year and I'm pretty excited and pretty nervous. Mostly nervous because Margaret is not around this time. She was deployed in March to Afghanistan for a year and someone whom I have never met, is leading it this year. This is also the first year we are doing guys along with the girls. Then after that on the 23rd, I will be heading to Florida for the week with the girls of Alix's family. I say all this because I have had a lot on my mind and I know that it is now or never to talk it out.

Today has been a good day and bad day. Good because Aimee is talking. For those who don't know, Aimee Copeland is a fellow Psychology student at University of West Georgia who got in a zip-lining accident in someone's backyard. She's developed the rare flesh eating bacteria. From what I remember, she's had one leg and both hands amputated. During this time, Aimee has had a machine helping her breath and she hasn't been able to really talk. Well today, Aimee talked. So to me, that means she doesn't have the ventilator breathing for her. It's been a sad day because a really good friend of mine's mom passed away after a long and hard fight. I'm grateful that her mom is finally at peace but I never like seeing my friends in pain. But all in all, it has given me quite a lot to think about. I'm sure I have said before that life is short. But I'm gonna say it again, because it is so true. 

I have not really lost friends but we've let our differences and stubbornness get in the way of our friendship. I'm the kind of person that just lets people go if they don't want to be a part of my life, but there are two friends that I can't seem to do just that. With one, we've been friends since I was in 2nd grade. Our parents are best friends. When I was in high school and she was still in middle school, I used to think the only reasons we were still friends was because our parents were. Then as I got close to graduating, we got closer again. I'm not really sure where it all went wrong from there, but I know I've made mistakes that I can't take back and there were things she didn't understand and I think she does now. But we haven't been able to sit down and talk every thing out. For once in our lives, we can't ignore the problem. There was one night that I thought that I was gonna get that chance and then a friend of hers came to the house and I'm polite. I'm not gonna leave him alone with both of our crazy families. And I'm pretty sure we would need a mediator eventually. All that said, I do value our friendship and I wish we could get back to at least being on the same page. But we're both stubborn and I feel that may not happen for awhile.

The other friend. We met at CCF one Thursday and we were instant friends. I don't know what drew us to one another but whatever it was, it was good. Because of her, I felt able to be myself around her. This was right around the time I was beginning to embrace my sexuality. She allowed to explore those feelings and be my support when I needed her. And eventually, she told that she thought she was gay too (which she was). Our friendship has been to hell and back and back to hell and back. I was there for her through a rough relationship, even if it strained ours and the same to her. We let two of our guy friends (now ex friends) drive us apart. And despite all that, we came back to being friends again. A part of me feels like I want to prove those two guys wrong and say you cant ruin us. But I really can't say what went wrong here. I feel a lack of communication on both of our parts. We both screwed up and neither wants to say sorry. Unfortunately, she lives an hour away now and while I'm in that town often, it's never long enough to pay a friendly visit. More often than not, it's a stop on the way to Lake Harding, or it's a babysitting job. 

I'm saying all this because while I do have friends, they really aren't the kind that I would invite over to  my house. Some I would go hang out with them but that's it. I found a lot of friends through CCF and I don't go there anymore because they are completely screwed up (another post for another time), especially since Adam is now gone. I think I want to set the goal of making new friends in the coming semester. I'm gonna have to try to sit away from my captioners and just talk to people. I know I'm shy when it comes to that kind of thing. But honestly, if I want to be a school counselor or even have my own practice, I'm gonna have to get over that sooner or later, and I would rather it be sooner. 

And as for those two guy friends, well....they can suck it. I don't miss them.

Why Is Being Obese Is Considered Genetic and Homosexuality A Choice?

For starters, in regards to my last post, I still don't know what I made on my media project, but whatever I made, it was enough to push me over to having a B for the final grade.

Moving on. Why is it that in this country, being obese is considered genetic and homosexuality a choice? I feel like it should be the other way around. I just can't understand the reasoning behind some things, and I may never understand. How can a state, much less people, vote against happiness? Why are other people who have nothing to do with me and my life, get to vote on whether or not I should be allowed to get married to my girlfriend? I didn't get to vote on theirs and even I was able to, I wouldn't vote no because I believe that love is a beautiful thing, whether it's between two men, two women, or one man and woman and I believe that everyone, EVERYONE should be allowed to experience that in their lifetime. What I have with Alix, I would never trade for ANYTHING in this world. To have a love like I do doesn't come around very often and I'm going to fight like hell to keep it. In 20, 30 years from now, people are going to be saying what was all the fuss about? just like we do now about the banning of interracial marriage. Like Martin Luther King, I have a dream too. I dream that one day, I can walk down the street, holding hands with Alix, without worrying if some idiot with a gun will kill us. I dream that I won't be afraid to truly be myself. I dream that marriage will be equal for all in ALL 50 states. I dream that my kids won't have to worry about getting bullied or teased for having two moms. I dream that I will never have to consciously think of who knows that I am gay and having to consciously think about what I want to say, of not having to censor myself. I've been lucky because my family still loves me anyways, but I still dream that others will never be shunned from their family for revealing who they truly are. I dream that people will realize that marriage equality for all will not lead to the end of the world. I am the same as everyone else. I put my pants on one leg at time, I breathe the same air, and I have feelings and values too.

Iffy....

Sometimes, I feel like my best isn't good enough. I tried so hard this semester and so far, I have two C's to show for it. I understand the Faces of Culture grade because I kept forgetting about the stupid online quizzes, and I know that seriously hurt me. I'm just really nervous about my Critical Thinking and Abnormal Psychology grade. I'm more nervous about the Critical Thinking grade than anything. I really want to know what I made on the media project. I was so nervous while I presenting, I could feel my lower jaw shaking as I was talking. I hate public speaking, I really do. But I need to get over that because if I want to be a psychologist with my own practice, I'll have to get over presenting on front of strangers. I'm trying not to worry too much but it's hard considering my tuition is due Monday and my VR counselor has been out this last week. Forget the new ear molds, I want them to pay my tuition!! I know I was in contact with her before she went away so I know she knows, so I'm hoping she did all the things she needed to do before she left, or got someone else to do it as well. Right now, I'm at Wendy's house right now while she and Wesley gets Eli's Xmas present. And tomorrow, Alix and I are watching my beautiful goddaughter. Right now, that's all I want. Just to play with someone who doesn't care about my grades haha

Finals

Finals are looming and as usual, stressing out about them. I always worry about my grades but then I get the added pressure of "are they good enough for VR?" If not this semester, I won't be in school next semester because on December 14th, starting at 9 am, I will be getting crowns on my teeth. Which also means there goes all my gift card wishes (sad face). I really want to update my closet to more girly clothes. It's seriously time for a change! But alas, that change comes in the form of new teeth. Which I'm excited about, because I hate my teeth, and not excited about because I REALLY wanted some new clothes. I don't normally ask for clothes, so you know it's a big deal when I do.

Angela is graduating December 18th in Macon. I got the invite the other day. I'm so proud of her and it upsets me that I won't be able to attend. I haven't been able to figure out how to tell her that I won't be there. If it weren't the same day that Alix's family were doing their Christmas AND Alix's birthday, I would be down there in a heartbeat. But I'm going to make sure we hang out when she comes back to town. I do need to write her though, I don't want her to think I forgot about her! Cause I haven't!

Speaking of the Howard Christmas, I really need to get started on editing the pictures for all the presents. Ay yi yi yi. What have I gotten myself into? But what can I say? I love photography. The pictures Alix and I took of her niece and nephews turned out really great, I really don't think some of them even need editing. I really love the ones by the railroad tracks.

In a separate post, I'm gonna talk about the submissions I make to the new edition of the Eclectic. Two of my pictures got in there last time, so we will see what happens.

Well, back to studying for finals. :)

Auburn tornados

Two days ago, a tornado went through Auburn, Alabama as well as through some other towns. It also went over Lake Harding where Alix's aunt and uncle and parents live. Both of their houses are fine, but Jo and Danny's neighbors (the aunt and uncle) weren't so lucky. Their houses are pretty much destroyed. It amazes me how their house survives while neighbors on either side didn't. Alix says that she really believes that her grandparents (Robbye's (Alix's mom) parents) were watching both over Jo and Robbye's house. But Robbye and Tom (Alix's dad) work in Lagrange and were working when the tornado hit. So as Robbye is driving home, she does not even know if she has a house to come home to. Fortunately, she did. Boe (the dog) and Aubie (the cat) were fine as they stay outside while Robbye and Tom are at work. I was in class when Alix told me that her mom didn't know if she had a house to come home to. I couldn't believe that we had just been up there this past Saturday and I couldn't fathom it being the last time we were there. But it's not. It has made me realize, however, that no matter how stressed we are, we should always enjoy each and every moment with friends and family. It could be the last memory you make with them and you want it to be a happy one.

This is a short entry but I have a final to work on and I had to get this out of my head and onto here. Back to work I go!

Taking Chances

Okay I wrote like 32 posts one year. I'm bound to at least do that many this year....I don't have many days left, so maybe I shouldn't set an extravagant goal...

ANYWAYS. My favorite artist of all time, hands down is Terri Clark. She's a Canadian country singer who released her first album in 1994. I pretty much have all the cds with her name, except for the recent one, Roots and Wings. Now, there was a gap between Life Goes On in 2005 and the Long Way Home in 2009. Yes, she release Terri Clark Live and The Millennium Celebration but for the most part, no new music. BTW, just for your useless knowledge part of the brain, my favorite album is No Fear. When The Long Way Home came out, you could tell her sound had changed (for someone who is hearing impaired, noticing such a different is a big deal!), other than the fact that you could hear it, she also said it! I kind of reluctant at first because I was such a fanatic about her sound before. So, I will admit that I didn't give it the chance that I should have. Now that Roots and Wings is out and I already like two of the songs already, I decided to give The Long Way Home another chance. I'm glad I did. Some of the songs speak to me in a way that it probably wouldn't have before. Merry Go Round in particular is about that life is not about getting ahead, that savoring the moments with friends and family are important. And the sound is just amazing.

I guess my message for this is that I need to give things a chance sometimes. I don't always take the risks that I probably should, just because it is outside my comfort zone. As I'm getting older, I'm going to eventually settle down and have kids and then I will really be outside of my comfort zone. I mean going outside that zone doesn't and isn't always a failure. I mean this past summer doing Perspectives...working 12 teenage girls who couldn't give a rat's ass what you think (that was my thinking at first, before I actually did it)? I was scared, I won't lie. But it turned out great and the girls found friends in not only the counselors but as well as each other.

I'm ending this here so I can stop rambling :)

new untitled poem!

Okay bear with me. The poems I've been writing lately come from nowhere and mostly don't make sense to anyone but me. BUT, I couldn't explain it if I tried. Anyways, I wanna know opinions and suggestions anyone may have for me.

(Untitled for now)

Faith. Reasoning. Irrational.

Faith is reasoning.

Reasoning is irrational.

Irrational is faith.

We are all connected, intertwined.

Connected through faith or lack thereof.

Intertwined through beliefs.

Six degrees of separation, it does not exist.

We all believe in something,

whether it be faith or reasoning.

Who really cares?

Can't we just all get along, peacefully?

Perspectives Camp

During the summer, I was able to work a great group of girls who were in need of guidance. For two weeks, fellow counselors and I, spent time with these girls. I could tell that each new day brought change. In the beginning, we had some issues. They were somewhat resistant to the whole thing and had no problem letting us know this. Some of the girls knew each other already and didn't like each other. There were cliques the first few days. No one wanted to associate with the others. Eventually, that got put aside and with each new day brought change. I can't speak for the girls in this program but I know that I can speak for myself. With each new day, I felt change. not only in myself, but in the girls as well. I felt like we were reaching out to them and getting through to them and changing them (I'm told that I did change at least one life). It was good and we had fun and of course, I took almost 1,000 pictures (seriously!) over the course of two weeks. But camp is now over.

It's been a few months and I do think about the girls quite a bit. Some I know are doing well, some I know are not. I just wonder for all the others, if they have been changed by this. I like to think so, but without being able to talk them, I don't think I will know. I wish I wrote more on this blog, because I feel like I have so much to say and I can't because this post would be way too long to catch up. Although I found friends in the counselors, we are not that close. But, I wish we were because they experienced this with me and they know what we went through in those two short weeks.

I can say two things. One, the woman who ran the whole thing, is so amazing. She came up with this program because someone asked her to. She's a marine (should she ever read this, thank you for your service), but she knew that having a boot camp style thing was not the way to go. I feel so blessed to know and that I feel that I am a better person for knowing her. And two, the camp was amazing. We did and do great things and I do keep in touch with some of the girls. I really look forward to doing this again next year with a new group of girls and I hope some can come from this previous year.

string of thoughts

I know it's been awhile, but not enough and too much has happened. I don't even know where to start...

I guess for starters, I can talk about what led me to do another post. I know I'm out to family and I'm okay with that. Yes, even my grandmother, whom I swore would never know, but that's later. I'm not expecting everyone to agree with it, I'm not going to ask them to change their beliefs just because I am family. But at the same time, because I am family, I expect respect from them. And right now, I'm not feeling it. I was Facebook stalking some of my cousins and I ended up looking at pictures of one and came across some concerning pictures. By concerning, I mean the comments on said pictures. I expect them to say something, but they didn't have to go to the extreme of saying things like, "I didn't get one of those, because a friend said I would look like a lesbian, and you definitely do." I mean really? And then on the other picture, going to the extreme of saying 'disgusting' and 'gross' and then to find out my aunt says it's nasty....but what really blows me out of the water is when my cousin commented saying that she was expecting that kind of comment from my cousin, I'm just.....speechless. Again, not asking that they accept the fact that I'm gay, but they can at least respect me and my choices, especially in a public forum such as Facebook. I mean, am I wrong to upset about it?

My aunt Rhonda died. She finally lost the fight COPD. She's had it for as long as I can remember, but supposedly she's lived longer than most people who are diagnosed with it. When someone is first diagnosed with it, they usually die within the next 4 to 5 years. I'm not saying that it's always the case though. My aunt lived with for 10 years, if not more. Well, we were never close, but she's family. I feel like I should have cried more than I really did. When she was in the hospital and the doctors said that she wasn't going to live 2 more days, Harper and I said our goodbyes, that's really only time that I really cried and she died a week later. She's the first person I've known to die that I was able to say my goodbyes...It still kills me that I didn't get to say goodbye to my grandparents. It's not like it was unexpected. We knew it was coming and yet, I didn't get that chance. I feel like a horrible person because after all that, I was pretty emotionless about the whole thing. I was more concerned with my mom and grandmother. I don't think my grandmother has ever lived alone since she married my grandfather....and it's funny because everyone all of the sudden thinks that she's this frail old woman who can't stand to be alone by herself. But she's still healthy and I think now that Rhonda isn't suffering anymore, she can finally relax without worrying about Rhonda and having to do things for her. But even without Rhonda there, she's always going to be worrying about something, it's a Keele thing. When she stayed at my parents' house for some odd weeks, I remember one morning, she didn't wake up until like noon. My mom had to make sure she was still alive. For as long as I can remember, she's always been up at like 8 or 9 in the morning, but being at my parents' house, she didn't have to worry about the doorbell or the phone ringing....Okay, now I'm getting off track. Back to my aunt. Plain and simple, I don't feel like I've mourned her death like I'm supposed to do.

My grandmother knows. After my aunt died, I gave her a few weeks to adjust to being by herself and I stayed one weekend. Yes, I drove up there, by myself. The whole intent was to tell her. But the whole time, I could never do it. We even watched Callie's and Arizona's wedding on Grey's Anatomy together and I still couldn't do it. But I wasn't going to leave until I told her. Well, Sunday rolled around and I had to come home. So after I was packed up and everything was loaded in the car, I decided to tell her. You know how they tell you not to think sometimes and just do? Well, the words "I need to talk to you" fell out of my mouth no sooner had I thought it. The telling her part, not so much. We were looking at each other from across the bar and we were holding hands and I'm pretty sure my hands were shaking....I was trying to get the words to come out of my mouth when she said, "I think I know what this is about" and then it was easy, I guess to say it out loud. She and Rhonda had suspected for some time and when I asked why she hadn't said something to me, she said that she had thought about it, but she wanted me to tell her when I was ready to tell her. Let me back here and say that I thought she was going to blow up and completely disown me forever. I felt this way, even after Mom had said that she wouldn't do that and that's her own mother. But that never eased me. Nana did tell me that if Pa was here, he probably would have been the one who flipped a lid, since a gay man 'put the make' on him when they had been dating...which was back in the 30s, early 40s. In case you don't know what 'putting the make on somebody' means, it means to hit on someone. That's what they called in those days. Anyways, so I guess Nana is okay with everything....for now.

I won't be walking in the 3-Day this year. The walk is next month and I have only gotten 65 dollars when I need to have 2300 dollars. Needless to say, even if I do walk, I won't be able to raise the rest of the money in time. If you still want to help me, you can do that by helping my mom. She is still walking, regardless of how much she raises. However, the more money she raises, the less that will come out of her pocket. So, go to www.the3day.org/goto/sallypoag and donate whatever you can, whenever you can, as often as you can.