Blind Side

If you haven't seen the movie, you should. It's definitely worth the money to see it. I can promise you that. If you haven't, I promise that there won't be any spoilers.

This movie made think. I think once you see it, that's a given. But this movie was basically about reaching out and helping someone. This theme has seem to prominent in my life the last few weeks. It first started when I was flipping channels and I saw this homeless guy begging for money or even food. But of course, no one was paying attention to this guy. And like usual, I paid no attention, like them. Then, it was the story of the night at CCF. Then this past week, when I was watching an episode of In Plain Sight, Brandi, the main character's sister, actually helped an old man in need. He was old, worn, and spoke no English. But despite it all, she made sure that he got to a hospital and got the care he needed. She, in fact, saved his life. And then this movie.

Who knows what would have happened if Leigh Anne hadn't told Sean to turn around that night. We know that Michael probably would have died not too soon later. He wouldn't be playing football and he certainly wouldn't have gone to college. What would this world be like if everyone just started helping others? There are so many programs to help the homeless but would any of these volunteers be willing to take them into their own home if they were to need it? There is so much hate and violence in this world, that it's just not possible for us to do something like that. I'm not really sure where I am going with this really. But it's been something that's presented itself to me and it was on my mind. And the fact that it's a prominent theme in my life these last few days, I feel like God is trying to tell me something. But I can't figure it out. Like I'm pretty sure He wants me to help. But I am lost as to what or who He wants me to help. I feel like its' right there in my face and for some reason, I can't see the bigger picture.

the last two months

A lot has changed in the last two months. For starters, the person I was talking about in the previous blog is well back in our lives. The three of us have this unspoken agreement that IT never happened. And I am quite okay with that.

I am officially out. My parents know. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it wasn't all that great. Brittney and I were suppose to go to Blakely to see Chelsea and Kayla. Kayla was home for Labor Day Weekend. Brittney had to work Thursday and Friday, I went home Thursday with Brittney and sat at her house both Thursday and Friday while she worked. We were suppose to leave after she got off work on Friday. Well, sometime Friday, Britt and Chelsea get into it and well, long story short, we didn't go. Saturday morning, Joey and Brandon came from Carrollton and got me. Later at home, I was trying to explain why we didn't go without saying that basically Brittney and Chelsea broke up. But my mom finished my sentence for me saying that they broke up. So my mom knows about Brittney. Okay. Well, it's Sunday and my mom and brother get into it, and my brother leaves. My mom is out on the porch, upset as ever. So, I go out there and try to comfort. I pretty much sit there, listening to her rant. When she was done, she was like, "Well, since I'm crying, you want to out yourself?" So my mom has known. For how long, I don't know. But we had a long talk about it. I don't think she's happy about it but she accepts it for what it is. Then I went and told my Dad. And well, he didn't want to talk about it. He did say, however, that he hopes it's a phase. And who knows? Maybe it is. I really don't think so though. But more on that later. So yea, my parents know. So I'm pretty open about it now. I mean, I'm not like introducing myself that way, like, "Hi, I'm Keeley and I'm gay." But I'm not quiet about it anymore.

I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Alix. And I am absolutely crazy about her. We met through friends of ours and we clicked right away. We started dating October 28, 2009. And until this weekend, we haven't spent a day or night apart since before we've started dating. I know that if you've been reading these posts, you're probably wondering about Kayla. Well, I was talking with Brittney and we've come to realize that we didn't really love each other like we thought. We fell in love with the feeling of love, if that makes sense. It makes sense to us haha. But Kayla isn't who I thought she was and she wasn't the best thing or the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Kayla actually got mad at me for moving on so fast, even though she told me I needed to. I just think that she doesn't like the idea of me being with someone who makes me so much happier than she did. I mean people are actually noticing my change in attitude since Alix and I have started dating. I can honestly say that I really think that Kayla and I won't be talking to one another anytime soon. BACK TO ALIX. Alix is amazing. Like for real. We have so much in common, it kinda scares me. But at the same time, I like it. And with her, this ice wall that I have around my heart is starting to melt. That's what's crazy to me. Especially after all that I have been through with Kayla, I really wasn't expecting it to happen for awhile. She even knows about Anna already. She doesn't know the full story and she may not for awhile and that's okay. I'm trying to take it slow with her and just be patient. She is pretty much fresh out of a two year relationship with someone and I just have to say more power to her haha. Earl and I dated for a year and a half, and after I broke up with him for the final time, I wasn't ready to date for a good six months. Andrew doesn't count. But I really really like Alix. There aren't words to describe just how amazing she really is. And what she sees in me, I just don't know, but I don't want to question it. Brittney says we are amazing together. She says I'm not the easiest person to get to know and Alix seems to get me already, she understands me. And Brittney is right. I'm not easy to get to know. I wear my heart on my sleeve about some things. But when it comes to letting some one in and letting them get to know about me, I pretty much shut down. And I hate crying in front of people. Someone could probably shoot me in the foot (*knock on wood*) and I still wouldn't cry. Like I just can't. I'm not sure why I'm this way, I just know that I am.

My mom just had surgery on Thursday. She was diagnosed with stage 0 DCIS breast cancer. While stage 0 doesn't sound so bad, which it isn't, the cancer wasn't minor, just not as severe as it could be. It took me so long to process this information. It wasn't til the day before that it finally hit me. I really could lose my mom to this. And naturally I was with Alix when hit with this realization. She told me several times that I looked like I was going to cry. But I said I was fine. In actuality, I was so going to. But I couldn't in front of Alix. I should have went into the bathroom or something, but I didn't. Instead, we sat on the couch and I acted all weird. BUT anyways, my mom had the surgery on Thursday to get the cancer out and she did the reconstructive surgery while she was still under. She went in about 4 and was done around 9, 930. It was a good surgery and she came through like a trooper. Friday morning, she texted me and was like, "I'm ready to run around the block!" I went and saw her at the hospital after I finally got home from school. Oh and I bought her a stuffed elephant on the way home. Saturday afternoon, she woke me up from my bed. Turns out she had come home about 2 and a half hours before. She was telling me that I needed to get up haha. So it was another moment that I've come to cherish. My mom is a pretty strong woman and I love her to death.

FRUSTRATED

I'm not as okay with it like I thought I was. I wish Sammy could see that I am still on the same page with her on how we feel. I wish I wasnt so confused on the way I feel. I'm tired of being the good girl period. I want to be able to be loudmouthed and outgoing as I know I can be. But inhibitions won't let me do that. Have you ever felt anger collecting in your chest? Have you ever felt like if you didnt release it, you would blow up? I feel that way. That's why I want so bad to get to the batting cages. I know people make fun of me for wanting to but yall dont realize that it is the only way to release my anger without hurting anyone. I've done it before and I dont want it to happen again. I'm just so frsutrated...with myself, with Brittney, with Sammy, with the world, heck I dont even know anymore. I give up

Epiphany

I have kinda have had an epiphany. I say that I am so frustrated with not dating. But today I saw a video of a gorgeous cat named Rihanna. And I got to thinking how much I really like cats and there I was, imagining a cat on my lap, just us loving on each other. And I realized, I would be happy with just a cat. I don't have to date. Then I thought, "my heavens, I'm going to be the cat lady." But really it's this. I'm focusing so much attention on other people and being there for them and not really worrying about me. But the reason why I thought I was so ready to start dating again wasn't because I wanted to be dating. I want attention. I know that sounds bad, but it's so true. It's part of human nature to want some attention. I mean for those who know me, know that I hate being the center of attention. But honestly, I don't want much. I just to know someone will be there for me. There are so many things happening in my life, both good and bad and I really don't say much about it because no one asks. I am quiet and I am predictable. Heck, I'm Clark Kent. I don't want to be Clark Kent. I want to make mistakes. I want to do stupid things. I want to be wild. But it's so out of character for me, that even if I tried, I couldn't make stupid mistakes and be wild. I just couldn't. I think that's why I love leather jackets and boots so much. Because to me, that's as close as I am ever going to be to being wild and crazy.

The happiness never lasts

I've a bad day.

I really don't like Ryan the way I thought I had. Like something was missing and I felt so bad for leading him on like this. While I'm struggling with this, I'm having to deal with the beginning of school and the school work is going to coming regularly, all the while, I have yet to start job-hunting and I know I need to.
Today.
When I first woke up, the day wasn't going bad. Then I got out of bed. I took a shower and went to lunch with Ryan. Yes, Ryan came all the way out here to have lunch with me and see me, even if it was only an hour. Lunch was fun, it really was. But we went to Applebee's and the last time I was there was for my birthday dinner and Kayla was there. It was just too many memories. So on the way over, I'm praying that we don't sit where I have a view of the booth. When have I ever had good luck? Never. The hostess sits in a table near the booth so when I sit down, I can see the part of the booth where Kayla, Chelsea, Brittney, and I were. So we're sitting there, and I can literally see us there, laughing and having a good time. But Ryan and I were doing a pretty job keeping the conversation going, so I was distracted every know and then. But regardless, I wasn't all there. After lunch, he brought me back to the apartment and walked me up and into the apartment. Well, Sammy was sitting on the couch. And after a few minutes of Ryan and I standing there, I just turned to Ryan and told him that I had some things to do before class. Well, we hugged right there and he kissed me on the head. I have to give him points for that. He was pretty gutsy...and it made me feel even worse. I walked him out the door. After he left, I changed and got my stuff for class together and left. I managed to make it through my two classes and back to the apartment, uneventful. Well, several hours later, my roommates and I are all sitting there in the living room watching TV, when I get a text from Ryan. It said that it seemed like I wasn't' wanting to be there and wasn't all there and he wanted to know what was up. I asked Brittney what do I do and she said it was time. So I texted him back and I told him that I had my heart broken back in June and that I think that I rushed into another relationship too soon, before I was really ready too. He texted back and was like, "So you just want to be friends for now?" and I said yes. Then he texted back saying he was here if I ever wanted to go out and have fun. I texted him back saying that I was sorry and he didn't text me back after that. I figured he was a little upset, so I just let it go. So feeling pretty bad, I just decided to call it an early night. Well naturally I can't sleep, so I just print pictures for the frames. And I change my facebook status to "is officially a jerk." Well, while doing this, Brittney comes in and she wants the details on the whole breakup thing. So I tell her and she hangs out in my room for awhile. During this time, my aunt calls me. I don't know how my aunt does, but she has this uncanny ability to call me randomly when I'm having bad days. I may hate talking on the phone, but I'll talk to her on the phone all day if I could. She always, always, ALWAYS make me feel better, even when I'm feeling extremely low. While we're talking about random stuff, Ryan texts me. He goes, "hey your not a jerk. you told me the truth and respect that." And I texted him back and said, "that does make me feel better. I just think it's stupid when people break up with other people thru text." He texts back saying, "Alright, just know that I care and I hate to see you hurt" and I told him thanks. So my aunt makes me feel better about everything, Ryan makes me feel better about us.

Kayla said that after she graduated A-school, she would be home for two weeks before going to California. And she said that she was going to try to come see me during that time, that she really wanted to see me. At first, I was all for it. But after all this, I'm not so sure anymore.

Just letting it all out

I don’t want to hurt Ryan’s feelings, because I know he likes me and I do like him, just not in the way that I should and I hate that. I constantly feel like he’s a rebound and that it won’t last long. Next week, Ryan and I are going to the Braves game. I even tried to talk to Maritza about it and she was too busy to talk to me and I’m afraid to really talk it over with Angela. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because while going thru ALL of this, I’m trying to put aside these really strong feelings for Angela. And sometimes I feel like we flirt a lot and it kills me sometimes, because I want so bad to tell her but I know I can’t. And I don’t think I ever will tell her. I’m just so lost in trying to figure all this out while trying to fight the annual depression that comes with a new year that Anna isn’t here. Anna and I always had plans to move into an apartment, so I’ve never imagined myself being in an apartment without her. But, here I am, in an apartment with three of the greatest people I could hope for being my roommates and I sometimes feel like maybe I made a mistake, like I betrayed Anna by doing this. Maybe I should’ve just stayed living on campus and never got an apartment. Sometimes, I think I did this to challenge myself, and if that’s the case, I kinda hate myself for it, but I’m also proud of myself at the same time. Ya know? It’s stupid I know, but it’s true. I’m glad I pushed myself to do this though. I know deeply that this is what Anna would have wanted for me. She would have wanted me to move on, she would have wanted me to be closer to God, she would have wanted me to be doing things that she can’t do. I can’t figure out the reason yet and maybe I never will, but I know God left me here for a reason. He left me to accomplish something in this world. He had His plans for Anna and I’m so hoping that she fulfilled those plans. What I want to work on this year is several things. I want to be able to better stand up for myself. I am way too nice, and it’s screwed me over so many times, I’ve lost count, and I’m tired of it. I need to let people know that I’m here, and they don’t have to like it, but I am, and they just have to suck it up and deal with it. I want to work towards forgiving the person who was driving the car that killed Anna.

quick update

just saying that I'm still alive and still want to blog...I've been crazy busy. I'm currently in Birmingham, Alabama and I'm coming home tomorrow, so look for a real update in the next couple of days..til then, adios?

Something to think about....

What would have happened if I had given in to my desires? And I don't mean any desires that probably meant breaking the law. I mean simple desires, like wanting to tell someone how you felt about them, or kissing them just to see their reaction. What if I had kissed Angela when I realized I was falling for her, or Brooke for that matter? What if I had told Angela or Brooke how I felt about them? What if I were to tell my parents about me? About Kayla? Would I be where I am today? Would the people I'm closest to, be this close to me still? Would the people I don't connect with today were the ones I was closest to instead? Jason was talking about how baptism is about letting go of the past and letting go of the one huge sin that stands between me and God. Jason (before he knew everything) was asking me what that sin was and at the time, I honestly don't know. I didn't think it was me being bi, and I still don't think that now. I think I finally figured it out, but this is so much worse than anything that Jason has told me that other people have been through. I regret it so much that I didn't think before talking. I know that everything that we do has consequences, but I never imagined these consequences being so....severe. I pray so much, asking God to give me the courage to say something or for guidance to show me what to do. But I honestly still don't know what to do. I want to say something and yet I am so afraid of what my future has in store for me.

The New Picture

I changed my picture to this because it reminds me that no matter how crazy it may get in this world, there will always be a group of amazing people setting aside time in their busy schedules to help others. This picture is from my first ever DNOW with First Baptist Church of Powder Springs. This took up a whole weekend. I know it was getting really close to finals for all of us and when we could be studying, we are instead dedicating a whole weekend to God. What we are doing in this picture is praying over this car. We had spent the last two hours washing it inside and out. We giving this car to someone who had two kids and really needed a car, but couldn't afford to buy one. I know that it was the charity project of the weekend but it meant so much more than that to us and I think we all came away from it, impacted forever. I know it did me and I'm new to this, so I can only imagine the others felt. I feel so blessed that God put these girls into my life, if only for a weekend. And I still feel that way.

No Title...

again I'm not sure how to say what I want to say but I'm sure that as last time, it will flow out.

I've been thinking about a lot of different things, so I'll just go with what comes to mind first.

I realized that a couple of days ago that my brother and I are more alike than I thought. Yea, we fight all the time, but we are so alike. Brittney says that I'm always putting others for me. But sometimes, I think I let others take advantage of me. Sometimes I don't realize it but looking back, I do. And right now, it hasn't been destructive and yet it has been. Sometimes I get so emotionally involved that I don't think before I do. Like with Brooke. That one semester she was her, I was always spending time with her because I just wanted to be around her. But what I didn't do was spend the time I needed to be doing school work. I neglected school just to be with her. And because of that, I am where I am when it comes to school. And yea I know, I have no one to blame but myself. My brother is the same way. He lets his heart lead rather than his head. After the whole thing with Windy, he handled his emotions in a bad way. He went back to Heather. And long story short, Windy is talking about moving back here and Harper is thinking back with her. He knows that he handled the situation wrong and he's trying to correct those mistakes. But we all think it's a bad idea to get back with Windy. The girl needs to stand on her own two feet. She's never lived on her own and she really needs to.

I've been thinking about something that Jason said the last time we sat and talked. He said that he could sense from reading earlier posts that I wasn't....comfortable...being bi. And in a way he's right, I'm not. I'm one of those people who hates doing things half way and I feel like saying that I'm bi makes me seem like I'm an indecisive person, and I'm really not. I feel like that if people see me with a girl, they assume I'm gay, and if they see me with a guy, they assume I'm straight. No one ever assumes that someone is bi. I'm not sure why it bothers me, it just does. I wish people would see that we didn't chose this, it's just the way we are. And honestly, I'm embracing this. I'm not going to just settle with a guy because of what society says is wrong or right. What they think, doesn't affect me. I'm the kind of person who, if I'm doing something wrong, I feel guilty about it. But I don't feel guilt. I feel that this is right. Right for me. It makes me genuinely happy and that to me, is what matters most.

The last time I saw Kayla was May 9, the day before our one month. The last time I talked to her on the phone was Wednesday, May 13, 2009. Call me crazy for remembering these dates, I just do. Kayla got her date for Basic Training moved up and left on May 13th for two months. While there, you can't have your cell phone. And there's no emailing, etc. Just good old fashioned mail. So far, I've gotten two. Some things happened the last time that I went to go see her and I've got certain people telling me not to stay in a relationship with her just to be in one.

I think I'll finish this later. I probably should go to bed. I just wanted to let the world know that I hadn't forgot about the blogging world haha.