FRUSTRATED

I'm not as okay with it like I thought I was. I wish Sammy could see that I am still on the same page with her on how we feel. I wish I wasnt so confused on the way I feel. I'm tired of being the good girl period. I want to be able to be loudmouthed and outgoing as I know I can be. But inhibitions won't let me do that. Have you ever felt anger collecting in your chest? Have you ever felt like if you didnt release it, you would blow up? I feel that way. That's why I want so bad to get to the batting cages. I know people make fun of me for wanting to but yall dont realize that it is the only way to release my anger without hurting anyone. I've done it before and I dont want it to happen again. I'm just so frsutrated...with myself, with Brittney, with Sammy, with the world, heck I dont even know anymore. I give up

Epiphany

I have kinda have had an epiphany. I say that I am so frustrated with not dating. But today I saw a video of a gorgeous cat named Rihanna. And I got to thinking how much I really like cats and there I was, imagining a cat on my lap, just us loving on each other. And I realized, I would be happy with just a cat. I don't have to date. Then I thought, "my heavens, I'm going to be the cat lady." But really it's this. I'm focusing so much attention on other people and being there for them and not really worrying about me. But the reason why I thought I was so ready to start dating again wasn't because I wanted to be dating. I want attention. I know that sounds bad, but it's so true. It's part of human nature to want some attention. I mean for those who know me, know that I hate being the center of attention. But honestly, I don't want much. I just to know someone will be there for me. There are so many things happening in my life, both good and bad and I really don't say much about it because no one asks. I am quiet and I am predictable. Heck, I'm Clark Kent. I don't want to be Clark Kent. I want to make mistakes. I want to do stupid things. I want to be wild. But it's so out of character for me, that even if I tried, I couldn't make stupid mistakes and be wild. I just couldn't. I think that's why I love leather jackets and boots so much. Because to me, that's as close as I am ever going to be to being wild and crazy.