Tuesday, October 06, 2009
FRUSTRATED
I'm not as okay with it like I thought I was. I wish Sammy could see that I am still on the same page with her on how we feel. I wish I wasnt so confused on the way I feel. I'm tired of being the good girl period. I want to be able to be loudmouthed and outgoing as I know I can be. But inhibitions won't let me do that. Have you ever felt anger collecting in your chest? Have you ever felt like if you didnt release it, you would blow up? I feel that way. That's why I want so bad to get to the batting cages. I know people make fun of me for wanting to but yall dont realize that it is the only way to release my anger without hurting anyone. I've done it before and I dont want it to happen again. I'm just so frsutrated...with myself, with Brittney, with Sammy, with the world, heck I dont even know anymore. I give up
Friday, October 02, 2009
Epiphany
I have kinda have had an epiphany. I say that I am so frustrated with not dating. But today I saw a video of a gorgeous cat named Rihanna. And I got to thinking how much I really like cats and there I was, imagining a cat on my lap, just us loving on each other. And I realized, I would be happy with just a cat. I don't have to date. Then I thought, "my heavens, I'm going to be the cat lady." But really it's this. I'm focusing so much attention on other people and being there for them and not really worrying about me. But the reason why I thought I was so ready to start dating again wasn't because I wanted to be dating. I want attention. I know that sounds bad, but it's so true. It's part of human nature to want some attention. I mean for those who know me, know that I hate being the center of attention. But honestly, I don't want much. I just to know someone will be there for me. There are so many things happening in my life, both good and bad and I really don't say much about it because no one asks. I am quiet and I am predictable. Heck, I'm Clark Kent. I don't want to be Clark Kent. I want to make mistakes. I want to do stupid things. I want to be wild. But it's so out of character for me, that even if I tried, I couldn't make stupid mistakes and be wild. I just couldn't. I think that's why I love leather jackets and boots so much. Because to me, that's as close as I am ever going to be to being wild and crazy.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The happiness never lasts
I've a bad day.
I really don't like Ryan the way I thought I had. Like something was missing and I felt so bad for leading him on like this. While I'm struggling with this, I'm having to deal with the beginning of school and the school work is going to coming regularly, all the while, I have yet to start job-hunting and I know I need to.
Today.
When I first woke up, the day wasn't going bad. Then I got out of bed. I took a shower and went to lunch with Ryan. Yes, Ryan came all the way out here to have lunch with me and see me, even if it was only an hour. Lunch was fun, it really was. But we went to Applebee's and the last time I was there was for my birthday dinner and Kayla was there. It was just too many memories. So on the way over, I'm praying that we don't sit where I have a view of the booth. When have I ever had good luck? Never. The hostess sits in a table near the booth so when I sit down, I can see the part of the booth where Kayla, Chelsea, Brittney, and I were. So we're sitting there, and I can literally see us there, laughing and having a good time. But Ryan and I were doing a pretty job keeping the conversation going, so I was distracted every know and then. But regardless, I wasn't all there. After lunch, he brought me back to the apartment and walked me up and into the apartment. Well, Sammy was sitting on the couch. And after a few minutes of Ryan and I standing there, I just turned to Ryan and told him that I had some things to do before class. Well, we hugged right there and he kissed me on the head. I have to give him points for that. He was pretty gutsy...and it made me feel even worse. I walked him out the door. After he left, I changed and got my stuff for class together and left. I managed to make it through my two classes and back to the apartment, uneventful. Well, several hours later, my roommates and I are all sitting there in the living room watching TV, when I get a text from Ryan. It said that it seemed like I wasn't' wanting to be there and wasn't all there and he wanted to know what was up. I asked Brittney what do I do and she said it was time. So I texted him back and I told him that I had my heart broken back in June and that I think that I rushed into another relationship too soon, before I was really ready too. He texted back and was like, "So you just want to be friends for now?" and I said yes. Then he texted back saying he was here if I ever wanted to go out and have fun. I texted him back saying that I was sorry and he didn't text me back after that. I figured he was a little upset, so I just let it go. So feeling pretty bad, I just decided to call it an early night. Well naturally I can't sleep, so I just print pictures for the frames. And I change my facebook status to "is officially a jerk." Well, while doing this, Brittney comes in and she wants the details on the whole breakup thing. So I tell her and she hangs out in my room for awhile. During this time, my aunt calls me. I don't know how my aunt does, but she has this uncanny ability to call me randomly when I'm having bad days. I may hate talking on the phone, but I'll talk to her on the phone all day if I could. She always, always, ALWAYS make me feel better, even when I'm feeling extremely low. While we're talking about random stuff, Ryan texts me. He goes, "hey your not a jerk. you told me the truth and respect that." And I texted him back and said, "that does make me feel better. I just think it's stupid when people break up with other people thru text." He texts back saying, "Alright, just know that I care and I hate to see you hurt" and I told him thanks. So my aunt makes me feel better about everything, Ryan makes me feel better about us.
Kayla said that after she graduated A-school, she would be home for two weeks before going to California. And she said that she was going to try to come see me during that time, that she really wanted to see me. At first, I was all for it. But after all this, I'm not so sure anymore.
I really don't like Ryan the way I thought I had. Like something was missing and I felt so bad for leading him on like this. While I'm struggling with this, I'm having to deal with the beginning of school and the school work is going to coming regularly, all the while, I have yet to start job-hunting and I know I need to.
Today.
When I first woke up, the day wasn't going bad. Then I got out of bed. I took a shower and went to lunch with Ryan. Yes, Ryan came all the way out here to have lunch with me and see me, even if it was only an hour. Lunch was fun, it really was. But we went to Applebee's and the last time I was there was for my birthday dinner and Kayla was there. It was just too many memories. So on the way over, I'm praying that we don't sit where I have a view of the booth. When have I ever had good luck? Never. The hostess sits in a table near the booth so when I sit down, I can see the part of the booth where Kayla, Chelsea, Brittney, and I were. So we're sitting there, and I can literally see us there, laughing and having a good time. But Ryan and I were doing a pretty job keeping the conversation going, so I was distracted every know and then. But regardless, I wasn't all there. After lunch, he brought me back to the apartment and walked me up and into the apartment. Well, Sammy was sitting on the couch. And after a few minutes of Ryan and I standing there, I just turned to Ryan and told him that I had some things to do before class. Well, we hugged right there and he kissed me on the head. I have to give him points for that. He was pretty gutsy...and it made me feel even worse. I walked him out the door. After he left, I changed and got my stuff for class together and left. I managed to make it through my two classes and back to the apartment, uneventful. Well, several hours later, my roommates and I are all sitting there in the living room watching TV, when I get a text from Ryan. It said that it seemed like I wasn't' wanting to be there and wasn't all there and he wanted to know what was up. I asked Brittney what do I do and she said it was time. So I texted him back and I told him that I had my heart broken back in June and that I think that I rushed into another relationship too soon, before I was really ready too. He texted back and was like, "So you just want to be friends for now?" and I said yes. Then he texted back saying he was here if I ever wanted to go out and have fun. I texted him back saying that I was sorry and he didn't text me back after that. I figured he was a little upset, so I just let it go. So feeling pretty bad, I just decided to call it an early night. Well naturally I can't sleep, so I just print pictures for the frames. And I change my facebook status to "is officially a jerk." Well, while doing this, Brittney comes in and she wants the details on the whole breakup thing. So I tell her and she hangs out in my room for awhile. During this time, my aunt calls me. I don't know how my aunt does, but she has this uncanny ability to call me randomly when I'm having bad days. I may hate talking on the phone, but I'll talk to her on the phone all day if I could. She always, always, ALWAYS make me feel better, even when I'm feeling extremely low. While we're talking about random stuff, Ryan texts me. He goes, "hey your not a jerk. you told me the truth and respect that." And I texted him back and said, "that does make me feel better. I just think it's stupid when people break up with other people thru text." He texts back saying, "Alright, just know that I care and I hate to see you hurt" and I told him thanks. So my aunt makes me feel better about everything, Ryan makes me feel better about us.
Kayla said that after she graduated A-school, she would be home for two weeks before going to California. And she said that she was going to try to come see me during that time, that she really wanted to see me. At first, I was all for it. But after all this, I'm not so sure anymore.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Just letting it all out
I don’t want to hurt Ryan’s feelings, because I know he likes me and I do like him, just not in the way that I should and I hate that. I constantly feel like he’s a rebound and that it won’t last long. Next week, Ryan and I are going to the Braves game. I even tried to talk to Maritza about it and she was too busy to talk to me and I’m afraid to really talk it over with Angela. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because while going thru ALL of this, I’m trying to put aside these really strong feelings for Angela. And sometimes I feel like we flirt a lot and it kills me sometimes, because I want so bad to tell her but I know I can’t. And I don’t think I ever will tell her. I’m just so lost in trying to figure all this out while trying to fight the annual depression that comes with a new year that Anna isn’t here. Anna and I always had plans to move into an apartment, so I’ve never imagined myself being in an apartment without her. But, here I am, in an apartment with three of the greatest people I could hope for being my roommates and I sometimes feel like maybe I made a mistake, like I betrayed Anna by doing this. Maybe I should’ve just stayed living on campus and never got an apartment. Sometimes, I think I did this to challenge myself, and if that’s the case, I kinda hate myself for it, but I’m also proud of myself at the same time. Ya know? It’s stupid I know, but it’s true. I’m glad I pushed myself to do this though. I know deeply that this is what Anna would have wanted for me. She would have wanted me to move on, she would have wanted me to be closer to God, she would have wanted me to be doing things that she can’t do. I can’t figure out the reason yet and maybe I never will, but I know God left me here for a reason. He left me to accomplish something in this world. He had His plans for Anna and I’m so hoping that she fulfilled those plans. What I want to work on this year is several things. I want to be able to better stand up for myself. I am way too nice, and it’s screwed me over so many times, I’ve lost count, and I’m tired of it. I need to let people know that I’m here, and they don’t have to like it, but I am, and they just have to suck it up and deal with it. I want to work towards forgiving the person who was driving the car that killed Anna.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
quick update
just saying that I'm still alive and still want to blog...I've been crazy busy. I'm currently in Birmingham, Alabama and I'm coming home tomorrow, so look for a real update in the next couple of days..til then, adios?
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Something to think about....
What would have happened if I had given in to my desires? And I don't mean any desires that probably meant breaking the law. I mean simple desires, like wanting to tell someone how you felt about them, or kissing them just to see their reaction. What if I had kissed Angela when I realized I was falling for her, or Brooke for that matter? What if I had told Angela or Brooke how I felt about them? What if I were to tell my parents about me? About Kayla? Would I be where I am today? Would the people I'm closest to, be this close to me still? Would the people I don't connect with today were the ones I was closest to instead? Jason was talking about how baptism is about letting go of the past and letting go of the one huge sin that stands between me and God. Jason (before he knew everything) was asking me what that sin was and at the time, I honestly don't know. I didn't think it was me being bi, and I still don't think that now. I think I finally figured it out, but this is so much worse than anything that Jason has told me that other people have been through. I regret it so much that I didn't think before talking. I know that everything that we do has consequences, but I never imagined these consequences being so....severe. I pray so much, asking God to give me the courage to say something or for guidance to show me what to do. But I honestly still don't know what to do. I want to say something and yet I am so afraid of what my future has in store for me.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
The New Picture
I changed my picture to this because it reminds me that no matter how crazy it may get in this world, there will always be a group of amazing people setting aside time in their busy schedules to help others. This picture is from my first ever DNOW with First Baptist Church of Powder Springs. This took up a whole weekend. I know it was getting really close to finals for all of us and when we could be studying, we are instead dedicating a whole weekend to God. What we are doing in this picture is praying over this car. We had spent the last two hours washing it inside and out. We giving this car to someone who had two kids and really needed a car, but couldn't afford to buy one. I know that it was the charity project of the weekend but it meant so much more than that to us and I think we all came away from it, impacted forever. I know it did me and I'm new to this, so I can only imagine the others felt. I feel so blessed that God put these girls into my life, if only for a weekend. And I still feel that way.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
No Title...
again I'm not sure how to say what I want to say but I'm sure that as last time, it will flow out.
I've been thinking about a lot of different things, so I'll just go with what comes to mind first.
I realized that a couple of days ago that my brother and I are more alike than I thought. Yea, we fight all the time, but we are so alike. Brittney says that I'm always putting others for me. But sometimes, I think I let others take advantage of me. Sometimes I don't realize it but looking back, I do. And right now, it hasn't been destructive and yet it has been. Sometimes I get so emotionally involved that I don't think before I do. Like with Brooke. That one semester she was her, I was always spending time with her because I just wanted to be around her. But what I didn't do was spend the time I needed to be doing school work. I neglected school just to be with her. And because of that, I am where I am when it comes to school. And yea I know, I have no one to blame but myself. My brother is the same way. He lets his heart lead rather than his head. After the whole thing with Windy, he handled his emotions in a bad way. He went back to Heather. And long story short, Windy is talking about moving back here and Harper is thinking back with her. He knows that he handled the situation wrong and he's trying to correct those mistakes. But we all think it's a bad idea to get back with Windy. The girl needs to stand on her own two feet. She's never lived on her own and she really needs to.
I've been thinking about something that Jason said the last time we sat and talked. He said that he could sense from reading earlier posts that I wasn't....comfortable...being bi. And in a way he's right, I'm not. I'm one of those people who hates doing things half way and I feel like saying that I'm bi makes me seem like I'm an indecisive person, and I'm really not. I feel like that if people see me with a girl, they assume I'm gay, and if they see me with a guy, they assume I'm straight. No one ever assumes that someone is bi. I'm not sure why it bothers me, it just does. I wish people would see that we didn't chose this, it's just the way we are. And honestly, I'm embracing this. I'm not going to just settle with a guy because of what society says is wrong or right. What they think, doesn't affect me. I'm the kind of person who, if I'm doing something wrong, I feel guilty about it. But I don't feel guilt. I feel that this is right. Right for me. It makes me genuinely happy and that to me, is what matters most.
The last time I saw Kayla was May 9, the day before our one month. The last time I talked to her on the phone was Wednesday, May 13, 2009. Call me crazy for remembering these dates, I just do. Kayla got her date for Basic Training moved up and left on May 13th for two months. While there, you can't have your cell phone. And there's no emailing, etc. Just good old fashioned mail. So far, I've gotten two. Some things happened the last time that I went to go see her and I've got certain people telling me not to stay in a relationship with her just to be in one.
I think I'll finish this later. I probably should go to bed. I just wanted to let the world know that I hadn't forgot about the blogging world haha.
I've been thinking about a lot of different things, so I'll just go with what comes to mind first.
I realized that a couple of days ago that my brother and I are more alike than I thought. Yea, we fight all the time, but we are so alike. Brittney says that I'm always putting others for me. But sometimes, I think I let others take advantage of me. Sometimes I don't realize it but looking back, I do. And right now, it hasn't been destructive and yet it has been. Sometimes I get so emotionally involved that I don't think before I do. Like with Brooke. That one semester she was her, I was always spending time with her because I just wanted to be around her. But what I didn't do was spend the time I needed to be doing school work. I neglected school just to be with her. And because of that, I am where I am when it comes to school. And yea I know, I have no one to blame but myself. My brother is the same way. He lets his heart lead rather than his head. After the whole thing with Windy, he handled his emotions in a bad way. He went back to Heather. And long story short, Windy is talking about moving back here and Harper is thinking back with her. He knows that he handled the situation wrong and he's trying to correct those mistakes. But we all think it's a bad idea to get back with Windy. The girl needs to stand on her own two feet. She's never lived on her own and she really needs to.
I've been thinking about something that Jason said the last time we sat and talked. He said that he could sense from reading earlier posts that I wasn't....comfortable...being bi. And in a way he's right, I'm not. I'm one of those people who hates doing things half way and I feel like saying that I'm bi makes me seem like I'm an indecisive person, and I'm really not. I feel like that if people see me with a girl, they assume I'm gay, and if they see me with a guy, they assume I'm straight. No one ever assumes that someone is bi. I'm not sure why it bothers me, it just does. I wish people would see that we didn't chose this, it's just the way we are. And honestly, I'm embracing this. I'm not going to just settle with a guy because of what society says is wrong or right. What they think, doesn't affect me. I'm the kind of person who, if I'm doing something wrong, I feel guilty about it. But I don't feel guilt. I feel that this is right. Right for me. It makes me genuinely happy and that to me, is what matters most.
The last time I saw Kayla was May 9, the day before our one month. The last time I talked to her on the phone was Wednesday, May 13, 2009. Call me crazy for remembering these dates, I just do. Kayla got her date for Basic Training moved up and left on May 13th for two months. While there, you can't have your cell phone. And there's no emailing, etc. Just good old fashioned mail. So far, I've gotten two. Some things happened the last time that I went to go see her and I've got certain people telling me not to stay in a relationship with her just to be in one.
I think I'll finish this later. I probably should go to bed. I just wanted to let the world know that I hadn't forgot about the blogging world haha.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Getting better
So so so many things to say and no idea where to start, haha
But before I start, I wouldn't suggest that you ever eat Charleston Chews and and drink lemonade at the same time. While they are both good to eat and drink, they are no good together. I should know.
Anyways...
this week has been finals week. Which means alot of insanity because of finals and moving out, or moving in general. I just got done writing an insane 6 page research paper over a book that I absolutely hated with a passion. But nevertheless, I somehow trudged through and got it done. BUT I'm done for the year! Woohoo!! I have a team meeting for the Casas Por Cristo Mission trip that will be the last week of May. I haven't told Jason, but I've made one of the hardest decisions ever. I've decided not to go. If it were just all about me, I would still be going. I can handle being quarentined for a couple of weeks. But I found out that not only would I be quarentined, so would my parents and my brother. So they wouldn't be able to work. My brother has to work to take of himself and help support Dagen and my parents have to work if they want to keep that roof over my head. It's not just me in this situation. I have to take step back and realize that it's not just me involved. My dad called me yesterday (tuesday) and for the first time, physically said that he didn't want me to go. I was talking to my mom and she told me that he had been crying the night before because he didn't want me to go, but he knew how much this trip means to me. And it really does mean alot to me, it really does. This is something that I think I want to do for a long time to come and Mexico is a great place to start. But honestly, this flu has me freaked, like for real. I'm telling Jason tomorrow, but I'm not looking forward to doing it. People keep asking me what I am going to do about the money I've already put down and I keep saying that they (CCF missions team) about to get a generous donation from me.
Sorry this is so depressing! But I don't think it's gonna get any better from here
Kayla is leaving next week for Basic Training. Which means that I'm not going to be able to see her, text her, call her, nothing except snail mail, for two months. I'm sad about it but at the same time, I am so so so so so proud of Kayla for doing this. It's not something that many would do, but Kayla is doing it. My parents are going to come down here Friday morning and take everything home and then, Brittney and I are going to drive down there. My dad has tried to talk me out of it, which is where I almost told him about me and about Kayla and I, but I didn't. I was telling him that this would be the only trip I took to Blakely for the summer (which is the truth), and when he asked me why, I almost said, "cuz my girlfriend is going into basic training for two months and this will be the last time i see her for awhile." But I didn't. But I was so close that my lips were forming the words.
Brittney, Chelsea, and I watched Bride Wars tonight (for real this time). And the ending really got to me. I am so much like Kate Hudson's character, Olivia. I have to put this tough front up all the time and I have to be tough. I can't show my weakness (well I guess I show my weakness on here haha). But not only that, it made me think of Anna. This is a quote from the movie itself: Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along.
This is what made me think of Anna. I know that if Anna were here, she would totally be maid of honor and I would be hers, no matter who came into our lives. Now, it seems like I don't see the point of getting married without her, I just can't see it anymore, I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I still want to get married one day, but I have no clue who my maid of honor would be and that kind of sucks, I won't lie. God, I miss Anna so freaking much. There are days where I'm ready to give up, throw in the towel, and I can hear her voice telling me to just hold on. And it's like the clouds separate again and I can see clearly again. Anna did that when she was alive and she does it now. I know that I am so blessed that she came into my life. But like the characters Liv and Emma in the movie, that's me and Anna right there. Granted, we would never get married on the same day, but like Liv and Emma's personalities, that's me and Anna right there. It just amazes me. I'm so going to buy this movie haha
Brittney, Jill, Carli, Lisa, and I watched Bella sometime in the last week. And it was horrible, but that's not the point. There's a scene where they show a little girl getting hit by a car. And I'm sitting in the floor, and Brittney keeps looking at me. And I knew that she knew what I was thinking, Anna. But I was honestly fine. Like my heart was racing a little bit but that always happens when I think of Anna. But it made me realize that, yea, it's taking some (or alot in this case) of time to get through, but I am honestly so much better at handling my thoughts when it comes to Anna. Those who know the story know what they know. But after that inital moment of the parents walking in at the right time, I couldn't handle it, talking about Anna, even if it wasn't talking about the accident. It wasn't til this year that I really told any one about the accident. Brooke was the first one I told. Countless others know now, but the people I chose to tell, I told them because I trusted them to be there for me when I needed it. And granted I've been wrong about some of them, the ones that matter most of stuck by me, particularly Brittney and Sammy. I appreciate them and the friendship that we share more than most. Back to the Bella thing. Brittney kept looking at me, like I said, and I was fine. I wasn't wanting to run of the room crying, I didn't want to or need to cry right there, nothing. I am starting to be able to handle this as time goes on.
Holy moses, I wasn't expecting to write as much as I did. I guess I just let the words flow right out.
But yea, Anna has been on my mind lately, ALOT.
But before I start, I wouldn't suggest that you ever eat Charleston Chews and and drink lemonade at the same time. While they are both good to eat and drink, they are no good together. I should know.
Anyways...
this week has been finals week. Which means alot of insanity because of finals and moving out, or moving in general. I just got done writing an insane 6 page research paper over a book that I absolutely hated with a passion. But nevertheless, I somehow trudged through and got it done. BUT I'm done for the year! Woohoo!! I have a team meeting for the Casas Por Cristo Mission trip that will be the last week of May. I haven't told Jason, but I've made one of the hardest decisions ever. I've decided not to go. If it were just all about me, I would still be going. I can handle being quarentined for a couple of weeks. But I found out that not only would I be quarentined, so would my parents and my brother. So they wouldn't be able to work. My brother has to work to take of himself and help support Dagen and my parents have to work if they want to keep that roof over my head. It's not just me in this situation. I have to take step back and realize that it's not just me involved. My dad called me yesterday (tuesday) and for the first time, physically said that he didn't want me to go. I was talking to my mom and she told me that he had been crying the night before because he didn't want me to go, but he knew how much this trip means to me. And it really does mean alot to me, it really does. This is something that I think I want to do for a long time to come and Mexico is a great place to start. But honestly, this flu has me freaked, like for real. I'm telling Jason tomorrow, but I'm not looking forward to doing it. People keep asking me what I am going to do about the money I've already put down and I keep saying that they (CCF missions team) about to get a generous donation from me.
Sorry this is so depressing! But I don't think it's gonna get any better from here
Kayla is leaving next week for Basic Training. Which means that I'm not going to be able to see her, text her, call her, nothing except snail mail, for two months. I'm sad about it but at the same time, I am so so so so so proud of Kayla for doing this. It's not something that many would do, but Kayla is doing it. My parents are going to come down here Friday morning and take everything home and then, Brittney and I are going to drive down there. My dad has tried to talk me out of it, which is where I almost told him about me and about Kayla and I, but I didn't. I was telling him that this would be the only trip I took to Blakely for the summer (which is the truth), and when he asked me why, I almost said, "cuz my girlfriend is going into basic training for two months and this will be the last time i see her for awhile." But I didn't. But I was so close that my lips were forming the words.
Brittney, Chelsea, and I watched Bride Wars tonight (for real this time). And the ending really got to me. I am so much like Kate Hudson's character, Olivia. I have to put this tough front up all the time and I have to be tough. I can't show my weakness (well I guess I show my weakness on here haha). But not only that, it made me think of Anna. This is a quote from the movie itself: Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along.
This is what made me think of Anna. I know that if Anna were here, she would totally be maid of honor and I would be hers, no matter who came into our lives. Now, it seems like I don't see the point of getting married without her, I just can't see it anymore, I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I still want to get married one day, but I have no clue who my maid of honor would be and that kind of sucks, I won't lie. God, I miss Anna so freaking much. There are days where I'm ready to give up, throw in the towel, and I can hear her voice telling me to just hold on. And it's like the clouds separate again and I can see clearly again. Anna did that when she was alive and she does it now. I know that I am so blessed that she came into my life. But like the characters Liv and Emma in the movie, that's me and Anna right there. Granted, we would never get married on the same day, but like Liv and Emma's personalities, that's me and Anna right there. It just amazes me. I'm so going to buy this movie haha
Brittney, Jill, Carli, Lisa, and I watched Bella sometime in the last week. And it was horrible, but that's not the point. There's a scene where they show a little girl getting hit by a car. And I'm sitting in the floor, and Brittney keeps looking at me. And I knew that she knew what I was thinking, Anna. But I was honestly fine. Like my heart was racing a little bit but that always happens when I think of Anna. But it made me realize that, yea, it's taking some (or alot in this case) of time to get through, but I am honestly so much better at handling my thoughts when it comes to Anna. Those who know the story know what they know. But after that inital moment of the parents walking in at the right time, I couldn't handle it, talking about Anna, even if it wasn't talking about the accident. It wasn't til this year that I really told any one about the accident. Brooke was the first one I told. Countless others know now, but the people I chose to tell, I told them because I trusted them to be there for me when I needed it. And granted I've been wrong about some of them, the ones that matter most of stuck by me, particularly Brittney and Sammy. I appreciate them and the friendship that we share more than most. Back to the Bella thing. Brittney kept looking at me, like I said, and I was fine. I wasn't wanting to run of the room crying, I didn't want to or need to cry right there, nothing. I am starting to be able to handle this as time goes on.
Holy moses, I wasn't expecting to write as much as I did. I guess I just let the words flow right out.
But yea, Anna has been on my mind lately, ALOT.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Rough week...
It's been a rough week all around. I'm still stressing about this paper that's due in two weeks and I am nowhere near halfway done with it. And I am pretty sure I will be suspended for summer semester because with my grades being what they are, they won't be A's and B's, even if I do well on the finals.
I'm going to go day by day of this week, but first a little background on this. Matt found out about me and Brittney and he talked to us about it. Later, we found out that Matt told Jason. So I know Jason knows. He just doesn't know that I know that he knows.
Sunday:
It's Sunday and I'm stressing to the max because the first rough draft of the paper was due the next day and I was no where near that. And I couldn't skip because I was so sure that if I missed one more class, then I would be withdrawn from the class, and I cannot have that, at all. Well, some things went down and I ended up in a car in the pouring pouring rain for sometime trying to comfort a friend. So it's about 2ish in the morning before I get into the study room to work on said paper. Well, Sammy and I kinda got into it through text and we were basically fighting. And long story short, I just wrote a new story that didn't make sense that was four pages long and sent it to my email (or so I thought...I found out on Wednesday that I had forgotten to attach it to the email). It's about 5 when I get back to my room. I had thought about going ahead and staying up all night, since I would have to get up at 830 anyways. Well, I lie down...and fell asleep....
Monday:
I wake up and look at my phone. I have three missed calls, all from Paige and several texts, again, all from Paige. My phone had been on silent so I missed all the calls. When I looked at the time, it was 1020. It was too late to high tail it to class, because class was almost over. I freaked out and on top of this, Kayla had called me and accidentally hung up on me and when she tried to call me back, I wouldn't answer. Paige had told me that my professor said to send her an email, so that's what I did. Then, I didn't feel like going to class for the rest of the day and so I didn't. I went to lunch with Brittney and texted Alyssa if I could get a ride to CCF because Jason and I were going to talk about the baptism. At two, Alyssa came and picked me up and took me to CCF. I got there and went in. And it started off well, I think. Then, the thing that started it all.....Jason was saying that baptism was like a burial of the old self along with the struggles and the sin of today, and then he asked me what was mine. If I was so against it, I would have said my struggles with bisexuality. But I honestly believe that God does not care that I am bi, I really do. And I know that I have other things that I struggle with, but I'm not really sure what. And I felt like Jason was trying to get me to say that about bisexuality and I was internally refusing to say it to him, just absolutely refusing to say it to him or to myself. I simply told Jason I wasn't quite comfortable with talking about it with him and he asked me who I was most comfortable talking to about it and I said, Brittney, Sammy, and Brooke BEFORE she left. Jason told me he wanted me to talk them before Thursday. Jason and I made a time to meet again before Thursday and I left. I needed to time to think and I needed to just walk so I told Alyssa I was walking back. I crossed the street and was walking past the CVS. I look ahead and see a semi-truck coming my way and I thought, "Dang....how easy would it be to just step out in front of it and just end it all?" Then ALL I could think of was Brittney, and only her...not my family, none of my other friends that I've grown up with, just Brittney, which I thought was weird. At this time, the semi-truck passed me. I stepped off the sidewalk towards CVS and texted Brittney. I told her to come get me before I did anything stupid. Brittney was immediately on her way and had Kayla call me so that I wouldn't do anything stupid and that she wouldn't get in a wreck trying to get there as fast as she can. And while I was mad at Brittney for having Kayla call me, I'm so glad she did, so glad. Brittney finally got there and took me back to campus and I told her what happened with Jason and that horrible thought. After sitting in the car for a few minutes, and I was done ranting, sort of, Brittney asked if I wanted to go to the creek and I said yes. So we went to the creek. There, Brittney made me pinky promise that I wouldn't do anything stupid while I was there. While Brittney called Chelsea, I went and sat down by the creek, kind of far from Brittney, so that all I could hear was the creek's running water. After a few minutes, Brittney came up and handed me her phone. It was Kayla on the phone. We talked for a few minutes and then I gave the phone back to Brittney. Long story short on this next part, Brittney and I ended up deciding to drive to Blakely right then and there. So we did. We got in the car, went back to the dorm, packed some things, and left. We had left about 530-6ish and we got there about 8-830-9ish. Brittney, Kayla, and I stayed the night at Chelsea's.Tuesday: We wake up and Brittney decides that she's not ready to leave and in all honesty, neither was I. So instead of leaving at 11 like planned, we decided 6-7. Kayla had to work at 6 and when she left, she wasn't going to be able to come back and hang out. So, again, long story short, it was the plan that I would hang out with Kayla all day, while Brittney and Chelsea did their thing. Kayla would come back, ONLY to drop me off. So I went ahead and packed my stuff and left with Kayla. First stop we make is to see her mom. I was so a nervous wreck, but I was trying to play it cool. It didn't help that Kayla kept asking if I was nervous. So we get there and everything seems to be going well. We leave and when we get to the store, her mom comes out and tells her to come back over there (the store was right next door). And so we walked over there. While I'm standing in the kitchen, Kayla and her mom are in the back room arguing. I couldn't hear anything. But I do hear her mom say, "Take her home and bring your ass back here." So Kayla took me back to Chelsea's house and kept apologizing for it. In the end, I found out that she lied to her mom where she was the previous night, and on top of that, she finally told her mom she was gay. And her mom knew this, but she wanted Kayla to tell her when she was ready to tell her, but apparently, she wasn't ready to hear it (what parent really is anyways?). Well we get back to Chelsea's and Kayla told Chelsea what happened. Then we said our goodbyes and Kayla left. Brittney and I went with Chelsea to meet her mom. Then we went to Bainbridge so Chelsea could do something there, then we got something to eat because we were all hungry. After that, we went back to the house and put the stuff in the car and left about 430. We made it back by 7-730ish. When we got back, I felt so out of it. Like I was standing still and the rest of the world was moving fast paced around me. And I hated that feeling, absolutely hated it. I went to the Lambda (last one of the year) and I didn’t really participate or talk much. I’m surprised that no one asked me what was wrong but then again, I’m not surprised. Afterwards, Brittney and I headed back and during this, Brooke texts me and asks me how my week was going. When I told her that I had better weeks, but it was all good now, she asked me what made it better, I said seeing my girlfriend. But she kept saying okay so finally I gave up on having an actual conversation. Brittney went to her room and I went to Late Night. It was good to be stressed free, even if it was a couple of hours.
Wednesday:
Wednesday seemed to be an okay day. Nothing to terribly horrible happened. Brittney and I rented Bolt and Fireproof. We watched Bolt and then tried to watch Lloyd on youtube but the movie wouldn’t load so we gave up on that real quick because the movie wouldn’t load. While all this is going on, Brooke randomly texted me and asked me why a girl (that’s not verbatim, just the basis of it). And when I told her my reasons, she just said okay. And I may not be close to Brooke as I used to be, but I still know that when she keeps saying okay, she really wants to say something, but she’s refraining from saying it. And it drove me crazy then and it still drives me crazy. So I finally texted her and told her that if she wanted to say something, just say it. And she finally did. I stopped responding after a while. I’ve come to realize that Brooke and I are never going to be the same ever again. We just aren’t close anymore, we just aren’t. And I hate that because I value our friendship still, I do, but I can’t just talk to her the way we used to and that sucks major. But it’s something that I’ve been dealing with for a long time.
Thursday:
Thursday is the day of all days. This is the day where I realize that Kayla isn’t going to be able to hang out partly because of what happened on Tuesday. So there’s no point in me sitting in a car for 3 hours just so Brittney can be with Chelsea. So I made plans to go home. My brother had texted me and told me that Dagen would be home for the weekend. I was in a class (not one of my classes, just in a class), when Chelsea texts me and tells me I need to watch my back. That she didn’t think Kayla was serious about this relationship. And on top of that, I’ve got Brittney telling me that she’s got a bad vibe from Kayla as well. I’m hearing all these things and I’ve got Kayla saying that she’s never felt this way about anyone before and that she loves and care about me a lot. So I naturally don’t know who to believe at this point. I’m torn between my loyalty to my best friend who has always had my back and the girl who claims that she cares and loves me. I didn’t know what the heck to think. After that class, Maritza and Angela sat outside with me and were trying to talk to me and trying to make me feel better. I was so on the verge of tears, you can ask Maritza or Angela. But I never cried cause I just can’t cry in front of people, I just can’t. Kayla was trying to call me and I wouldn’t answer the phone. I didn’t answer it because I didn’t know what to tell her and I was afraid that if I talked to her, I would start crying and I just didn’t want to cry. I texted her and she talked me through it as well as Maritza and Angela. I finally said screw it, I’m taking a chance. And I know that Brittney and Chelsea are just trying to keep from getting hurt, but maybe it’s time I got hurt again. What doesn’t kill only makes you stronger, right? I finally made it back to the dorm and changed for CCF. Brittney and I left and picked some people up. We got there late, but I honestly didn’t care, because I didn’t want to talk to Jason yet, or anyone really. The worship went great and the message was good except that Brittney, Erin Mathis, and I are so sure it was directed towards Britt and I. We felt like Matt kept looking at us during his speech. We hated that. I still hate it. I’m just trying to keep a grip on reality and sometimes it’s hard to. But Brittney and I are definitely at that paranoia stage, which is totally understandable. Afterwards, Britt and I left pretty much right away. We watched Fireproof in her kitchen (or tried to). We gave up after while when we were talking to Kayla and Chelsea on the phone. Then we went to bed.
I plan on updating for this week later, but I have to get to bed.
I'm going to go day by day of this week, but first a little background on this. Matt found out about me and Brittney and he talked to us about it. Later, we found out that Matt told Jason. So I know Jason knows. He just doesn't know that I know that he knows.
Sunday:
It's Sunday and I'm stressing to the max because the first rough draft of the paper was due the next day and I was no where near that. And I couldn't skip because I was so sure that if I missed one more class, then I would be withdrawn from the class, and I cannot have that, at all. Well, some things went down and I ended up in a car in the pouring pouring rain for sometime trying to comfort a friend. So it's about 2ish in the morning before I get into the study room to work on said paper. Well, Sammy and I kinda got into it through text and we were basically fighting. And long story short, I just wrote a new story that didn't make sense that was four pages long and sent it to my email (or so I thought...I found out on Wednesday that I had forgotten to attach it to the email). It's about 5 when I get back to my room. I had thought about going ahead and staying up all night, since I would have to get up at 830 anyways. Well, I lie down...and fell asleep....
Monday:
I wake up and look at my phone. I have three missed calls, all from Paige and several texts, again, all from Paige. My phone had been on silent so I missed all the calls. When I looked at the time, it was 1020. It was too late to high tail it to class, because class was almost over. I freaked out and on top of this, Kayla had called me and accidentally hung up on me and when she tried to call me back, I wouldn't answer. Paige had told me that my professor said to send her an email, so that's what I did. Then, I didn't feel like going to class for the rest of the day and so I didn't. I went to lunch with Brittney and texted Alyssa if I could get a ride to CCF because Jason and I were going to talk about the baptism. At two, Alyssa came and picked me up and took me to CCF. I got there and went in. And it started off well, I think. Then, the thing that started it all.....Jason was saying that baptism was like a burial of the old self along with the struggles and the sin of today, and then he asked me what was mine. If I was so against it, I would have said my struggles with bisexuality. But I honestly believe that God does not care that I am bi, I really do. And I know that I have other things that I struggle with, but I'm not really sure what. And I felt like Jason was trying to get me to say that about bisexuality and I was internally refusing to say it to him, just absolutely refusing to say it to him or to myself. I simply told Jason I wasn't quite comfortable with talking about it with him and he asked me who I was most comfortable talking to about it and I said, Brittney, Sammy, and Brooke BEFORE she left. Jason told me he wanted me to talk them before Thursday. Jason and I made a time to meet again before Thursday and I left. I needed to time to think and I needed to just walk so I told Alyssa I was walking back. I crossed the street and was walking past the CVS. I look ahead and see a semi-truck coming my way and I thought, "Dang....how easy would it be to just step out in front of it and just end it all?" Then ALL I could think of was Brittney, and only her...not my family, none of my other friends that I've grown up with, just Brittney, which I thought was weird. At this time, the semi-truck passed me. I stepped off the sidewalk towards CVS and texted Brittney. I told her to come get me before I did anything stupid. Brittney was immediately on her way and had Kayla call me so that I wouldn't do anything stupid and that she wouldn't get in a wreck trying to get there as fast as she can. And while I was mad at Brittney for having Kayla call me, I'm so glad she did, so glad. Brittney finally got there and took me back to campus and I told her what happened with Jason and that horrible thought. After sitting in the car for a few minutes, and I was done ranting, sort of, Brittney asked if I wanted to go to the creek and I said yes. So we went to the creek. There, Brittney made me pinky promise that I wouldn't do anything stupid while I was there. While Brittney called Chelsea, I went and sat down by the creek, kind of far from Brittney, so that all I could hear was the creek's running water. After a few minutes, Brittney came up and handed me her phone. It was Kayla on the phone. We talked for a few minutes and then I gave the phone back to Brittney. Long story short on this next part, Brittney and I ended up deciding to drive to Blakely right then and there. So we did. We got in the car, went back to the dorm, packed some things, and left. We had left about 530-6ish and we got there about 8-830-9ish. Brittney, Kayla, and I stayed the night at Chelsea's.Tuesday: We wake up and Brittney decides that she's not ready to leave and in all honesty, neither was I. So instead of leaving at 11 like planned, we decided 6-7. Kayla had to work at 6 and when she left, she wasn't going to be able to come back and hang out. So, again, long story short, it was the plan that I would hang out with Kayla all day, while Brittney and Chelsea did their thing. Kayla would come back, ONLY to drop me off. So I went ahead and packed my stuff and left with Kayla. First stop we make is to see her mom. I was so a nervous wreck, but I was trying to play it cool. It didn't help that Kayla kept asking if I was nervous. So we get there and everything seems to be going well. We leave and when we get to the store, her mom comes out and tells her to come back over there (the store was right next door). And so we walked over there. While I'm standing in the kitchen, Kayla and her mom are in the back room arguing. I couldn't hear anything. But I do hear her mom say, "Take her home and bring your ass back here." So Kayla took me back to Chelsea's house and kept apologizing for it. In the end, I found out that she lied to her mom where she was the previous night, and on top of that, she finally told her mom she was gay. And her mom knew this, but she wanted Kayla to tell her when she was ready to tell her, but apparently, she wasn't ready to hear it (what parent really is anyways?). Well we get back to Chelsea's and Kayla told Chelsea what happened. Then we said our goodbyes and Kayla left. Brittney and I went with Chelsea to meet her mom. Then we went to Bainbridge so Chelsea could do something there, then we got something to eat because we were all hungry. After that, we went back to the house and put the stuff in the car and left about 430. We made it back by 7-730ish. When we got back, I felt so out of it. Like I was standing still and the rest of the world was moving fast paced around me. And I hated that feeling, absolutely hated it. I went to the Lambda (last one of the year) and I didn’t really participate or talk much. I’m surprised that no one asked me what was wrong but then again, I’m not surprised. Afterwards, Brittney and I headed back and during this, Brooke texts me and asks me how my week was going. When I told her that I had better weeks, but it was all good now, she asked me what made it better, I said seeing my girlfriend. But she kept saying okay so finally I gave up on having an actual conversation. Brittney went to her room and I went to Late Night. It was good to be stressed free, even if it was a couple of hours.
Wednesday:
Wednesday seemed to be an okay day. Nothing to terribly horrible happened. Brittney and I rented Bolt and Fireproof. We watched Bolt and then tried to watch Lloyd on youtube but the movie wouldn’t load so we gave up on that real quick because the movie wouldn’t load. While all this is going on, Brooke randomly texted me and asked me why a girl (that’s not verbatim, just the basis of it). And when I told her my reasons, she just said okay. And I may not be close to Brooke as I used to be, but I still know that when she keeps saying okay, she really wants to say something, but she’s refraining from saying it. And it drove me crazy then and it still drives me crazy. So I finally texted her and told her that if she wanted to say something, just say it. And she finally did. I stopped responding after a while. I’ve come to realize that Brooke and I are never going to be the same ever again. We just aren’t close anymore, we just aren’t. And I hate that because I value our friendship still, I do, but I can’t just talk to her the way we used to and that sucks major. But it’s something that I’ve been dealing with for a long time.
Thursday:
Thursday is the day of all days. This is the day where I realize that Kayla isn’t going to be able to hang out partly because of what happened on Tuesday. So there’s no point in me sitting in a car for 3 hours just so Brittney can be with Chelsea. So I made plans to go home. My brother had texted me and told me that Dagen would be home for the weekend. I was in a class (not one of my classes, just in a class), when Chelsea texts me and tells me I need to watch my back. That she didn’t think Kayla was serious about this relationship. And on top of that, I’ve got Brittney telling me that she’s got a bad vibe from Kayla as well. I’m hearing all these things and I’ve got Kayla saying that she’s never felt this way about anyone before and that she loves and care about me a lot. So I naturally don’t know who to believe at this point. I’m torn between my loyalty to my best friend who has always had my back and the girl who claims that she cares and loves me. I didn’t know what the heck to think. After that class, Maritza and Angela sat outside with me and were trying to talk to me and trying to make me feel better. I was so on the verge of tears, you can ask Maritza or Angela. But I never cried cause I just can’t cry in front of people, I just can’t. Kayla was trying to call me and I wouldn’t answer the phone. I didn’t answer it because I didn’t know what to tell her and I was afraid that if I talked to her, I would start crying and I just didn’t want to cry. I texted her and she talked me through it as well as Maritza and Angela. I finally said screw it, I’m taking a chance. And I know that Brittney and Chelsea are just trying to keep from getting hurt, but maybe it’s time I got hurt again. What doesn’t kill only makes you stronger, right? I finally made it back to the dorm and changed for CCF. Brittney and I left and picked some people up. We got there late, but I honestly didn’t care, because I didn’t want to talk to Jason yet, or anyone really. The worship went great and the message was good except that Brittney, Erin Mathis, and I are so sure it was directed towards Britt and I. We felt like Matt kept looking at us during his speech. We hated that. I still hate it. I’m just trying to keep a grip on reality and sometimes it’s hard to. But Brittney and I are definitely at that paranoia stage, which is totally understandable. Afterwards, Britt and I left pretty much right away. We watched Fireproof in her kitchen (or tried to). We gave up after while when we were talking to Kayla and Chelsea on the phone. Then we went to bed.
I plan on updating for this week later, but I have to get to bed.
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