quick update

just saying that I'm still alive and still want to blog...I've been crazy busy. I'm currently in Birmingham, Alabama and I'm coming home tomorrow, so look for a real update in the next couple of days..til then, adios?

Something to think about....

What would have happened if I had given in to my desires? And I don't mean any desires that probably meant breaking the law. I mean simple desires, like wanting to tell someone how you felt about them, or kissing them just to see their reaction. What if I had kissed Angela when I realized I was falling for her, or Brooke for that matter? What if I had told Angela or Brooke how I felt about them? What if I were to tell my parents about me? About Kayla? Would I be where I am today? Would the people I'm closest to, be this close to me still? Would the people I don't connect with today were the ones I was closest to instead? Jason was talking about how baptism is about letting go of the past and letting go of the one huge sin that stands between me and God. Jason (before he knew everything) was asking me what that sin was and at the time, I honestly don't know. I didn't think it was me being bi, and I still don't think that now. I think I finally figured it out, but this is so much worse than anything that Jason has told me that other people have been through. I regret it so much that I didn't think before talking. I know that everything that we do has consequences, but I never imagined these consequences being so....severe. I pray so much, asking God to give me the courage to say something or for guidance to show me what to do. But I honestly still don't know what to do. I want to say something and yet I am so afraid of what my future has in store for me.

The New Picture

I changed my picture to this because it reminds me that no matter how crazy it may get in this world, there will always be a group of amazing people setting aside time in their busy schedules to help others. This picture is from my first ever DNOW with First Baptist Church of Powder Springs. This took up a whole weekend. I know it was getting really close to finals for all of us and when we could be studying, we are instead dedicating a whole weekend to God. What we are doing in this picture is praying over this car. We had spent the last two hours washing it inside and out. We giving this car to someone who had two kids and really needed a car, but couldn't afford to buy one. I know that it was the charity project of the weekend but it meant so much more than that to us and I think we all came away from it, impacted forever. I know it did me and I'm new to this, so I can only imagine the others felt. I feel so blessed that God put these girls into my life, if only for a weekend. And I still feel that way.

No Title...

again I'm not sure how to say what I want to say but I'm sure that as last time, it will flow out.

I've been thinking about a lot of different things, so I'll just go with what comes to mind first.

I realized that a couple of days ago that my brother and I are more alike than I thought. Yea, we fight all the time, but we are so alike. Brittney says that I'm always putting others for me. But sometimes, I think I let others take advantage of me. Sometimes I don't realize it but looking back, I do. And right now, it hasn't been destructive and yet it has been. Sometimes I get so emotionally involved that I don't think before I do. Like with Brooke. That one semester she was her, I was always spending time with her because I just wanted to be around her. But what I didn't do was spend the time I needed to be doing school work. I neglected school just to be with her. And because of that, I am where I am when it comes to school. And yea I know, I have no one to blame but myself. My brother is the same way. He lets his heart lead rather than his head. After the whole thing with Windy, he handled his emotions in a bad way. He went back to Heather. And long story short, Windy is talking about moving back here and Harper is thinking back with her. He knows that he handled the situation wrong and he's trying to correct those mistakes. But we all think it's a bad idea to get back with Windy. The girl needs to stand on her own two feet. She's never lived on her own and she really needs to.

I've been thinking about something that Jason said the last time we sat and talked. He said that he could sense from reading earlier posts that I wasn't....comfortable...being bi. And in a way he's right, I'm not. I'm one of those people who hates doing things half way and I feel like saying that I'm bi makes me seem like I'm an indecisive person, and I'm really not. I feel like that if people see me with a girl, they assume I'm gay, and if they see me with a guy, they assume I'm straight. No one ever assumes that someone is bi. I'm not sure why it bothers me, it just does. I wish people would see that we didn't chose this, it's just the way we are. And honestly, I'm embracing this. I'm not going to just settle with a guy because of what society says is wrong or right. What they think, doesn't affect me. I'm the kind of person who, if I'm doing something wrong, I feel guilty about it. But I don't feel guilt. I feel that this is right. Right for me. It makes me genuinely happy and that to me, is what matters most.

The last time I saw Kayla was May 9, the day before our one month. The last time I talked to her on the phone was Wednesday, May 13, 2009. Call me crazy for remembering these dates, I just do. Kayla got her date for Basic Training moved up and left on May 13th for two months. While there, you can't have your cell phone. And there's no emailing, etc. Just good old fashioned mail. So far, I've gotten two. Some things happened the last time that I went to go see her and I've got certain people telling me not to stay in a relationship with her just to be in one.

I think I'll finish this later. I probably should go to bed. I just wanted to let the world know that I hadn't forgot about the blogging world haha.

Getting better

So so so many things to say and no idea where to start, haha
But before I start, I wouldn't suggest that you ever eat Charleston Chews and and drink lemonade at the same time. While they are both good to eat and drink, they are no good together. I should know.

Anyways...
this week has been finals week. Which means alot of insanity because of finals and moving out, or moving in general. I just got done writing an insane 6 page research paper over a book that I absolutely hated with a passion. But nevertheless, I somehow trudged through and got it done. BUT I'm done for the year! Woohoo!! I have a team meeting for the Casas Por Cristo Mission trip that will be the last week of May. I haven't told Jason, but I've made one of the hardest decisions ever. I've decided not to go. If it were just all about me, I would still be going. I can handle being quarentined for a couple of weeks. But I found out that not only would I be quarentined, so would my parents and my brother. So they wouldn't be able to work. My brother has to work to take of himself and help support Dagen and my parents have to work if they want to keep that roof over my head. It's not just me in this situation. I have to take step back and realize that it's not just me involved. My dad called me yesterday (tuesday) and for the first time, physically said that he didn't want me to go. I was talking to my mom and she told me that he had been crying the night before because he didn't want me to go, but he knew how much this trip means to me. And it really does mean alot to me, it really does. This is something that I think I want to do for a long time to come and Mexico is a great place to start. But honestly, this flu has me freaked, like for real. I'm telling Jason tomorrow, but I'm not looking forward to doing it. People keep asking me what I am going to do about the money I've already put down and I keep saying that they (CCF missions team) about to get a generous donation from me.

Sorry this is so depressing! But I don't think it's gonna get any better from here

Kayla is leaving next week for Basic Training. Which means that I'm not going to be able to see her, text her, call her, nothing except snail mail, for two months. I'm sad about it but at the same time, I am so so so so so proud of Kayla for doing this. It's not something that many would do, but Kayla is doing it. My parents are going to come down here Friday morning and take everything home and then, Brittney and I are going to drive down there. My dad has tried to talk me out of it, which is where I almost told him about me and about Kayla and I, but I didn't. I was telling him that this would be the only trip I took to Blakely for the summer (which is the truth), and when he asked me why, I almost said, "cuz my girlfriend is going into basic training for two months and this will be the last time i see her for awhile." But I didn't. But I was so close that my lips were forming the words.

Brittney, Chelsea, and I watched Bride Wars tonight (for real this time). And the ending really got to me. I am so much like Kate Hudson's character, Olivia. I have to put this tough front up all the time and I have to be tough. I can't show my weakness (well I guess I show my weakness on here haha). But not only that, it made me think of Anna. This is a quote from the movie itself: Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along.
This is what made me think of Anna. I know that if Anna were here, she would totally be maid of honor and I would be hers, no matter who came into our lives. Now, it seems like I don't see the point of getting married without her, I just can't see it anymore, I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I still want to get married one day, but I have no clue who my maid of honor would be and that kind of sucks, I won't lie. God, I miss Anna so freaking much. There are days where I'm ready to give up, throw in the towel, and I can hear her voice telling me to just hold on. And it's like the clouds separate again and I can see clearly again. Anna did that when she was alive and she does it now. I know that I am so blessed that she came into my life. But like the characters Liv and Emma in the movie, that's me and Anna right there. Granted, we would never get married on the same day, but like Liv and Emma's personalities, that's me and Anna right there. It just amazes me. I'm so going to buy this movie haha

Brittney, Jill, Carli, Lisa, and I watched Bella sometime in the last week. And it was horrible, but that's not the point. There's a scene where they show a little girl getting hit by a car. And I'm sitting in the floor, and Brittney keeps looking at me. And I knew that she knew what I was thinking, Anna. But I was honestly fine. Like my heart was racing a little bit but that always happens when I think of Anna. But it made me realize that, yea, it's taking some (or alot in this case) of time to get through, but I am honestly so much better at handling my thoughts when it comes to Anna. Those who know the story know what they know. But after that inital moment of the parents walking in at the right time, I couldn't handle it, talking about Anna, even if it wasn't talking about the accident. It wasn't til this year that I really told any one about the accident. Brooke was the first one I told. Countless others know now, but the people I chose to tell, I told them because I trusted them to be there for me when I needed it. And granted I've been wrong about some of them, the ones that matter most of stuck by me, particularly Brittney and Sammy. I appreciate them and the friendship that we share more than most. Back to the Bella thing. Brittney kept looking at me, like I said, and I was fine. I wasn't wanting to run of the room crying, I didn't want to or need to cry right there, nothing. I am starting to be able to handle this as time goes on.

Holy moses, I wasn't expecting to write as much as I did. I guess I just let the words flow right out.

But yea, Anna has been on my mind lately, ALOT.

Rough week...

It's been a rough week all around. I'm still stressing about this paper that's due in two weeks and I am nowhere near halfway done with it. And I am pretty sure I will be suspended for summer semester because with my grades being what they are, they won't be A's and B's, even if I do well on the finals.


I'm going to go day by day of this week, but first a little background on this. Matt found out about me and Brittney and he talked to us about it. Later, we found out that Matt told Jason. So I know Jason knows. He just doesn't know that I know that he knows.


Sunday:

It's Sunday and I'm stressing to the max because the first rough draft of the paper was due the next day and I was no where near that. And I couldn't skip because I was so sure that if I missed one more class, then I would be withdrawn from the class, and I cannot have that, at all. Well, some things went down and I ended up in a car in the pouring pouring rain for sometime trying to comfort a friend. So it's about 2ish in the morning before I get into the study room to work on said paper. Well, Sammy and I kinda got into it through text and we were basically fighting. And long story short, I just wrote a new story that didn't make sense that was four pages long and sent it to my email (or so I thought...I found out on Wednesday that I had forgotten to attach it to the email). It's about 5 when I get back to my room. I had thought about going ahead and staying up all night, since I would have to get up at 830 anyways. Well, I lie down...and fell asleep....


Monday:

I wake up and look at my phone. I have three missed calls, all from Paige and several texts, again, all from Paige. My phone had been on silent so I missed all the calls. When I looked at the time, it was 1020. It was too late to high tail it to class, because class was almost over. I freaked out and on top of this, Kayla had called me and accidentally hung up on me and when she tried to call me back, I wouldn't answer. Paige had told me that my professor said to send her an email, so that's what I did. Then, I didn't feel like going to class for the rest of the day and so I didn't. I went to lunch with Brittney and texted Alyssa if I could get a ride to CCF because Jason and I were going to talk about the baptism. At two, Alyssa came and picked me up and took me to CCF. I got there and went in. And it started off well, I think. Then, the thing that started it all.....Jason was saying that baptism was like a burial of the old self along with the struggles and the sin of today, and then he asked me what was mine. If I was so against it, I would have said my struggles with bisexuality. But I honestly believe that God does not care that I am bi, I really do. And I know that I have other things that I struggle with, but I'm not really sure what. And I felt like Jason was trying to get me to say that about bisexuality and I was internally refusing to say it to him, just absolutely refusing to say it to him or to myself. I simply told Jason I wasn't quite comfortable with talking about it with him and he asked me who I was most comfortable talking to about it and I said, Brittney, Sammy, and Brooke BEFORE she left. Jason told me he wanted me to talk them before Thursday. Jason and I made a time to meet again before Thursday and I left. I needed to time to think and I needed to just walk so I told Alyssa I was walking back. I crossed the street and was walking past the CVS. I look ahead and see a semi-truck coming my way and I thought, "Dang....how easy would it be to just step out in front of it and just end it all?" Then ALL I could think of was Brittney, and only her...not my family, none of my other friends that I've grown up with, just Brittney, which I thought was weird. At this time, the semi-truck passed me. I stepped off the sidewalk towards CVS and texted Brittney. I told her to come get me before I did anything stupid. Brittney was immediately on her way and had Kayla call me so that I wouldn't do anything stupid and that she wouldn't get in a wreck trying to get there as fast as she can. And while I was mad at Brittney for having Kayla call me, I'm so glad she did, so glad. Brittney finally got there and took me back to campus and I told her what happened with Jason and that horrible thought. After sitting in the car for a few minutes, and I was done ranting, sort of, Brittney asked if I wanted to go to the creek and I said yes. So we went to the creek. There, Brittney made me pinky promise that I wouldn't do anything stupid while I was there. While Brittney called Chelsea, I went and sat down by the creek, kind of far from Brittney, so that all I could hear was the creek's running water. After a few minutes, Brittney came up and handed me her phone. It was Kayla on the phone. We talked for a few minutes and then I gave the phone back to Brittney. Long story short on this next part, Brittney and I ended up deciding to drive to Blakely right then and there. So we did. We got in the car, went back to the dorm, packed some things, and left. We had left about 530-6ish and we got there about 8-830-9ish. Brittney, Kayla, and I stayed the night at Chelsea's.Tuesday: We wake up and Brittney decides that she's not ready to leave and in all honesty, neither was I. So instead of leaving at 11 like planned, we decided 6-7. Kayla had to work at 6 and when she left, she wasn't going to be able to come back and hang out. So, again, long story short, it was the plan that I would hang out with Kayla all day, while Brittney and Chelsea did their thing. Kayla would come back, ONLY to drop me off. So I went ahead and packed my stuff and left with Kayla. First stop we make is to see her mom. I was so a nervous wreck, but I was trying to play it cool. It didn't help that Kayla kept asking if I was nervous. So we get there and everything seems to be going well. We leave and when we get to the store, her mom comes out and tells her to come back over there (the store was right next door). And so we walked over there. While I'm standing in the kitchen, Kayla and her mom are in the back room arguing. I couldn't hear anything. But I do hear her mom say, "Take her home and bring your ass back here." So Kayla took me back to Chelsea's house and kept apologizing for it. In the end, I found out that she lied to her mom where she was the previous night, and on top of that, she finally told her mom she was gay. And her mom knew this, but she wanted Kayla to tell her when she was ready to tell her, but apparently, she wasn't ready to hear it (what parent really is anyways?). Well we get back to Chelsea's and Kayla told Chelsea what happened. Then we said our goodbyes and Kayla left. Brittney and I went with Chelsea to meet her mom. Then we went to Bainbridge so Chelsea could do something there, then we got something to eat because we were all hungry. After that, we went back to the house and put the stuff in the car and left about 430. We made it back by 7-730ish. When we got back, I felt so out of it. Like I was standing still and the rest of the world was moving fast paced around me. And I hated that feeling, absolutely hated it. I went to the Lambda (last one of the year) and I didn’t really participate or talk much. I’m surprised that no one asked me what was wrong but then again, I’m not surprised. Afterwards, Brittney and I headed back and during this, Brooke texts me and asks me how my week was going. When I told her that I had better weeks, but it was all good now, she asked me what made it better, I said seeing my girlfriend. But she kept saying okay so finally I gave up on having an actual conversation. Brittney went to her room and I went to Late Night. It was good to be stressed free, even if it was a couple of hours.

Wednesday:
Wednesday seemed to be an okay day. Nothing to terribly horrible happened. Brittney and I rented Bolt and Fireproof. We watched Bolt and then tried to watch Lloyd on youtube but the movie wouldn’t load so we gave up on that real quick because the movie wouldn’t load. While all this is going on, Brooke randomly texted me and asked me why a girl (that’s not verbatim, just the basis of it). And when I told her my reasons, she just said okay. And I may not be close to Brooke as I used to be, but I still know that when she keeps saying okay, she really wants to say something, but she’s refraining from saying it. And it drove me crazy then and it still drives me crazy. So I finally texted her and told her that if she wanted to say something, just say it. And she finally did. I stopped responding after a while. I’ve come to realize that Brooke and I are never going to be the same ever again. We just aren’t close anymore, we just aren’t. And I hate that because I value our friendship still, I do, but I can’t just talk to her the way we used to and that sucks major. But it’s something that I’ve been dealing with for a long time.

Thursday:
Thursday is the day of all days. This is the day where I realize that Kayla isn’t going to be able to hang out partly because of what happened on Tuesday. So there’s no point in me sitting in a car for 3 hours just so Brittney can be with Chelsea. So I made plans to go home. My brother had texted me and told me that Dagen would be home for the weekend. I was in a class (not one of my classes, just in a class), when Chelsea texts me and tells me I need to watch my back. That she didn’t think Kayla was serious about this relationship. And on top of that, I’ve got Brittney telling me that she’s got a bad vibe from Kayla as well. I’m hearing all these things and I’ve got Kayla saying that she’s never felt this way about anyone before and that she loves and care about me a lot. So I naturally don’t know who to believe at this point. I’m torn between my loyalty to my best friend who has always had my back and the girl who claims that she cares and loves me. I didn’t know what the heck to think. After that class, Maritza and Angela sat outside with me and were trying to talk to me and trying to make me feel better. I was so on the verge of tears, you can ask Maritza or Angela. But I never cried cause I just can’t cry in front of people, I just can’t. Kayla was trying to call me and I wouldn’t answer the phone. I didn’t answer it because I didn’t know what to tell her and I was afraid that if I talked to her, I would start crying and I just didn’t want to cry. I texted her and she talked me through it as well as Maritza and Angela. I finally said screw it, I’m taking a chance. And I know that Brittney and Chelsea are just trying to keep from getting hurt, but maybe it’s time I got hurt again. What doesn’t kill only makes you stronger, right? I finally made it back to the dorm and changed for CCF. Brittney and I left and picked some people up. We got there late, but I honestly didn’t care, because I didn’t want to talk to Jason yet, or anyone really. The worship went great and the message was good except that Brittney, Erin Mathis, and I are so sure it was directed towards Britt and I. We felt like Matt kept looking at us during his speech. We hated that. I still hate it. I’m just trying to keep a grip on reality and sometimes it’s hard to. But Brittney and I are definitely at that paranoia stage, which is totally understandable. Afterwards, Britt and I left pretty much right away. We watched Fireproof in her kitchen (or tried to). We gave up after while when we were talking to Kayla and Chelsea on the phone. Then we went to bed.

I plan on updating for this week later, but I have to get to bed.

I am getting baptized

on April 23, 2009, after the last CCF we have. I am so excited. I obviously talked to Jason and he explained the whole thing to me, and did I mention I can't wait???? God has been so good to me and I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me!!

Sunday, when Chelsea and Kayla came up to visit us, was AMAZING! Kayla and I hit it off really well and we are still texting each other. We are even sending pictures to one another!! Still working on the calling thing haha. Kayla's accent is so thick that I can barely understand on her on the phone. :D They watched me play softball and we (CCF) had a good game even though we lost (I think). After that, we went to Applebee's for dinner and after that, Chelsea and Kayla dropped Brittney and I off and they left. We didn't want them to leave haha. After we got to the top of the steps, Britt and I turned around and watched them drive off. We so weren't ready for them to leave.
We had late night at CCF tonight, so here are my notes!!

1
It is easy to give up your material things, but it is hard to give your flesh and body fully over to God.
We are just stewards of our things and body. We are just 'borrowing' our bodies.
We are slaves to Christ because He made us, He owns us.
Redeemer-He is our owner, our creator, and we have sold ourselves to other worldly things, our desires, and Christ has bought us back to be His.
We are slaves to Christ, but we dont like the word 'slave' because we associate it with things like working for other people, bondage, injustice, oppression.
But we are free slaves. We are slaves to Christ but He gives us free will to do what we want to.
What you do or don't do, you are still doing something, even if that something is nothing.

2
We have to give up our wants, our desires, and truly worship God for all His worth.
Abraham's sacrifice of Isacc: Willingness to give up what he truly loved the most to show how much he loved God.
We are trying to understand God's will sufficently.
Thomas knew that it would turn out horrible and he still chose to follow Christ.

3
We have the freedom to make mistakes and still be able to come back and try again.
It's difficult to give full control to God.
Philippians 4:13-We can withstand trial, pain, mockery, suffering because God strengthens them.
We can't be healed til we have been broken.

I'm an idiot

Today I told Sammy that I was bi. And I have been worrying for nothing. She didn't care. She didn't care!! She said that I am too much of her best friend to let that come between us. It's more of a relief than I can put into words. I felt bad when she said that I must have not know her that well. But I like to think that I do know her quite well. But I guess I allowed this own guilt of keeping a secret like that from her for so long that I couldn't see that she would still love me anyways. You guys don't even know how relieved I am though. I can only hope that my parents take it as well. I plan on telling them, I just have to know that right moment to do it, ya know? I know I'm closer to telling them than I was back in October.

Heidi and I are talking again. She was talking about wanting to do a girls' day out, just me and her, and just catching up. I hope she means it, cuz I love Heidi. She is my best friend and my sister. I can't imagine losing her. Which is why I am so grateful that our parents are best friends, because without them, we wouldn't be best friends anymore and I know that. That's why I cherish every moment I can get with that girl.

I went to CCF tonight like I always do every Thursday. It was a good night. Here's some of my notes:
LIVING SACRIFICES
Acts 2:40-47
Romans 12:1-2
1. God is the Creator, Owner, and Designer of our bodies.
Genesis 1:26-27
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

2. We must become a living sacrifice.
Romans 12:1
How can we become a living sacrifice?
The Sacrifice of Isacc
Live life to the fullest through Him
True worship is laying all your mind, strength, body, and sould down at the altar of God and
living through Him
Do the best to your ability at giving God the glory

3. When God is fully in control of our lives then nothing is impossible.
Luke 1:37
Philippians 4:13

3 Prayers:
Break/ruin my heart O God
Heal me O God
Use me O God

And then Stephen said something that made me think....
he said that if we devote ten minutes a day to the Word of God and two hours to Facebook/Myspace/Twitter, etc., then we have a problem. We need to spend the time that we spend being on Facebook or whatever, reading the Word and learning more about our God and not who did what three days ago.

I have been thinking alot about getting baptized. I've wanted to do it awhile actually, because I want to reborn again in my passion for God and for Christ, but I never could figure out the right time to say anything to Jason. Well, that time came last Thursday. After the Shane & Shane Concert, Jason talked for a few minutes and then, he mentioned how a group of students were getting baptized in the next month. That's when I got goosebumps (and I was sweating). THAT was when I KNEW God was telling me that I was ready, that now is the time. So, because I didn't get a chance to talk to Jason after the concert, I emailed and I told him that exact same thing as the above. And we are gonna talk tomorrow more about it. I am pretty excited about it. I'm going to try and talk to my parents about it this weekend when I go home.

Well, I think that's all about I can write for now...Laterz

Gram

My grandmother is one of the most amazing people I ever knew. And I don't ever talk about her. And I wish I did, because she's that amazing. I tried writing a song for her after she died. It's an unfinished one, because every line didn't seem to be enough to express how amazing she is. Even the word 'amazing' is an understatement to just how wonderful she is. I like to think I get some of my artistic talent from her. She could take anything that we as a society see as ugly, horrendous, and disgusting, and turn it into a beautiful piece of art. She was that good. My favorite thing she had ever done was this horse head sculpture. I have a picture of it somewhere, but no photography skills of mine could show how awesome of a piece it is. It's currently sitting in Andrew's room and it's actually Ryan's, and he plans to put it back in his room soon. The last time I was at my aunt's, I stayed in Andrew's room and I can remember sitting there and just staring at it. I mean really staring at it. I noticed all the lines, the way she put it together, everything. And I felt at peace. I felt calm, like I was safe within myself. I like to think that I am like her in some ways as far as the artist in us goes. Like I said before, she can take ugly things and make them beautiful. People are always telling me that they never thought an ugly thing could look so good in a photograph, but it does. I am always trying to find an awesome shot. I am always imagining how a shot could look. Granted, I don’t get to try and capture a lot of them, but the ones that I do, turn out really well. Epiphany (well I actually had it earlier): What inspires me to take pictures and make the world around us more beautiful than it already is? Gram. It’s because of her that I know that there are really good people in this world. It’s because of her that I see the world the way that I do. It’s because of her that I was not and am not afraid to tell her anything.

Before Anna, she was my sole best friend. During Anna, she was my best friend. After Anna, she was my sole best friend. She is never judging anyone. She never cared about what her crazy grandchildren did, as long as we were happy. She loved us much much much more than Anna loved me. We could walk in the house with purple Mohawk, tattoos all over us, piercings in who-knows-what, and she would still love us just as much as if we walked into the house dressed in preppy clothes. I feel like she would be the only grandparent that I could tell that I am bi, and she would never judge me.

When Gram was in the hospital, we knew she was going to go soon, and I never saw her in the hospital. It’s not like I didn’t love her, I love her than anything in this world. I just thought that it would be better that I remembered her the way that I did, this strong, beautiful, and feisty woman. Not the sick looking one in the hospital bed. I never got to say goodbye and today, I would trade that for anything in this world. Just to be able to tell her that I love her and that I’ll miss her. I had four grandparents and one is still alive. I have yet been able to say goodbye to them. It kills me sometimes to know that. But I know that they still love me anyways. I know that they still want what is best for me, for all of their crazy kids and grandkids.

Gram was a crazy woman, but she was a very loved woman. The next time I saw her after she had gone into the hospital was at her funeral. She was laying in that casket as beautiful as ever. But I met so many people that day, including her best friend. I still wish sometimes that I had met her while Gram was still alive, but I still feel blessed to know her. She told me a lot of stories about the things that she and Gram did. Many of which I had already heard, but still loved hearing them again. The service was a beautiful one and I like to believe that Gram would most definitely agree.

I still feel her presence around me sometimes. I like to think that she and Anna are up there (for they never met in real life), telling stories and laughing, and being there for me when I so desperately need them. So I say this again, Gram was an amazing, crazy, beautiful, not judging, beautiful, wonderful woman.

Biloxi

I am starting to see how Jason gets behind on this haha
I am currently on spring break for the week and I am in Biloxi, back at Lemoyne Boulevard Baptist Church, doing more work. I really enjoyed it during winter break and plus Sammy didn't want to be the only girl in the group. The first day, Monday, we got here, it was about 6ish and so we went to the beach, where Justin broke his toe. He didn't get it checked out til today though. Yesterday, Tuesday, we went around cleaning up houses for the nexct group to come in and build on the house. Then about 4, we got done, showered, went to walmart, and then went to the beach for a picnic and to watch the sunset! It was pretty cool. I must have taken over 230 pictures yesterday alone. Today, Sammy and I stayed at the church and popped pills. The church helps sponsor this free clinic and they get all their meds from pharmecuetical companies and they are in like sample form, and they need it in well, not sample form. So they need people to pop them out of their little packages. That's where the whole pill-popping thing comes from haha. And Sammy and I did it all day. Ty helped us in the morning before lunch and Justin helped us in the afternoon. Needless to say, my thumbs HURT!
My shoulders also hurt from the wood we were carrying back and forth and im pretty sure i'll be getting a fiberglass zit on my arm from the insulation, but it's all good.
I've been thinking of talking to Alan and seeing if it's at all possible to maybe stay here for a semester. I've been thinking of taking a semester off, and rather laying around doing nothing, I could be here, making a difference, and the church could help my find a paying job while i am here. I don't know, it's just something that's been on my mind alot. There's alot on my mind these days haha but I am just trying to focus on getting off academic probation for this semester.

So many thoughts going around in my brain and no way to really sort it out.
Story of my life.

I'll try to update more, and I'll try to keep ya'll updated on the whole Summer in Biloxi possibility...